The Long, Dark Night in the Man Cave

The Common Man tried to hang in an do a live-blog of the All Star Game last night, but hung up his spikes after nine innings, and just enjoyed the rest of the game. Instead of doing a blow-by-blow, he'll instead hit the highlights from 6 hours of baseball-watching. Some are time-stamped (CST). Also, it should be noted that Shysterball stole a bunch of The Common Man's good jokes in his write-up of the game. But since The Common Man blatantly stole the idea of a running diary from Bill Simmons, he has no right to complain.

First, of all, The Common Man loves the All Star Game. Prominent baseball writers (Keith Law, Shysterball, Fire Joe Morgan) on the interwebs have taken the time in the last few days to remind him that it's an exhibition, that (even though "this time it counts") it has no real meaning, and that it's an over-hyped three-hour commercial for baseball and Fox. Frankly, The Common Man doesn't care. This probably goes back to The Common Man's childhood, when Kirby Puckett won the game's MVP in 1993 after hitting a homer and a double, or 1988 when five Twins made the team.

But the spectacle of it all was always fun for The Common Man. That collection of talent all being introduced at once. It's impossible not to appreciate it, when ARod is standing next to David Ortiz, who is standing next to Roy Halladay. That's amazing stuff. Plus, every so often, baseball collects its history and puts it on display, carting out the greatest living players to celebrate their abilities and legacies. It began with the wild success of 1999's pre-game where the top 100 players of the 20th century were introduced, which culminated in a massive group hug in the center of the diamond as every player on the field tried to get to Ted Williams at the same time.

This time, a massive collection of living Hall of Famers attended the event, including giants of the past, Willie Mays and Henry Aaron. Both are paragons of manhood, brave and talented, generous and inspiring leaders. They should live on forever. Quick, the Carbonite!

Bob Gibson is 74 years old and 1500 miles away, and The Common Man is still a little intimidated. He shifted over in his seat to make sure he wasn't too close to the plate. He doesn't want to take one in the ear. Meanwhile, the world is turned on its ear when Goose Gossage gets a bigger ovation than The Chairman of the Board, Whitey Ford.

Joe Buck calls this "the greatest collection of stars ever assembled on one field. The Common Man doesn't mean to quibble, but he thinks that the 1999 assemblage was better. C'mon, Ted Williams was there.

7:30 Oh no, Cheryl Crow has a guitar. Someone stop her before she honors America! Quick, someone find Tony Bennett. Or Paul Simon. Or 50 Cent. Anybody? Can anybody from New York sing a little bit?

7:34 Reggie, let Yogi walk as close to the plate as he wants. Oh! He got it there on the fly! Is it dusty in here? No? Anyone? Windy

The game starts at 7:45. That's just nuts. 45 minutes of intro???

Tim McCarver is ridiculous. He points out that the Indians got Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips, and Lee Stevens, for Bartolo Colon. And "all four payed dividends, but perhaps none more than Cliff Lee this year," says Tim McCarver. Ha. Grady Sizemore, his 23 HR, his .273/.374/.539 batting line, and four consistently excellent seasons of production beg to differ, sir.

In the second, Madonna’s boyfriend steps to the plate. Seriously, who cares? Why is this man a story when the economy is in shambles (thanks for reminding everyone, John McCain), the country is fighting two wars, and taking Flomax may result in a reduction of semen (sorry, commercial)? Pops up to the catcher.

8:06 Budweiser has a new commercial: “As long as there’s been the Great American Pastime, there’s been the great American lager,” which has just been sold to Belgium. Do you think they’ll downsize the Clydesdales?


8:12 Let’s see how well Tim McCarver dances around the Milton Bradley getting injured last year without mentioning that Bradley was baited by the umpire with racially dicey comments.... Waiting.... Well, that was awkward.

8:20 If you think The Common Man isn’t going use the word “Dewmocracy” as much as possible, you don’t know The Common Man. Thank you Mountain Dew

8:23 Since The Common Man’s grandfathers have passed away, The Common Man has decided to nominate surrogate grandfathers to be the Official Grandfather of The Common Man. The first nominee is Yogi Berra. He reminds him of his Uncle Wayne, who also passed away in the past year. Funny guy, lots of stories. Though Yogi seems a little confused at this point. Other thoughts?

8:32 Derek Jeter grounds into a double play in the 3rd. But he did so clutch-ly.

8:34 Josh Hamilton’s quick at bats are not giving Joe Buck the time to fawn on and on about his unique and heart-warming story that The Common Man is, frankly, getting a little tired of. The boys at FJM said it best, of course, "it's better to do heroin and then stop doing heroin and then lose the Home Run Derby after an impressive first round than it is to not do heroin and then keep not doing heroin and then win the Home Run Derby after a pedestrian first round." But, you know, good on you Josh Hamilton. The Common Man wishes you only the best.

8:39 Ichiro Suzuki makes a terrific play, playing a carom off the right field wall perfectly, and firing a strike to 2nd base to nail Albert Pujols, who was trying to stretch a single. Pujols was actually safe, but it was close and Ichiro’s incredible defensive skills were clearly on display there. He’s perhaps the best defensive outfielder in baseball, so why are the Mariners playing him in RF? What kind of pictures does Willie Bloomquist have of Seattle's owner and how compromising are they?

8:46 Tim McCarver starts arguing with statistics that are placed on the screen. There’s no way he’s hitting .167 on pitches down and in.

8:52 Ervin Santana starts out with a 97 MPH fastball, 95 MPH fastball, 85 MPH breaking ball, to Matt Holliday, who looked overmatched at first, but fights back and lines a 97 MPH fastball over RF. Man, a good major league hitter can destroy a fastball, no matter how hard it’s thrown, if he knows what’s coming. Call it the Billy Koch effect.

9:06 John Hiatt does a great job of drowning out Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

9:14 A bevy of changes for the AL to start out the 6th. The best thing about Canada, Home Run Derby champ Justin Morneau, is now playing 1B.

9:29 The Common Man pops opens his 3rd Berryweiss of the game. It’s not like they’re going to drink themselves, and The Common Man is not going to pawn them off on his friends. That would be wrong.

9:32 The Uncommon Wife wants the AL to win because “the pitcher [Justin Duchscherer] has a cute butt.” Also, “If you play baseball, you should not be allowed to scratch your nutsack, no matter how sweaty it is.” By the way, The Uncommon Wife has descended into the Man Cave after getting tired of watching Tori Spelling’s and Denise Richards’s reality shows upstairs



9:37 The Uncommon Wife “does not, does not want the National League to win because that pitcher [Dan Haren] needs to cut his hair. That Grady Sizemore looks so respectable.”

9:43 What the hell? Why do all sports interviews start with “how did it feel to…?” Or "How special was it to...?" That’s the stupidest way to ask a question ever. Please quantify for me what is entirely unquantifiable. Here's a sliding scale. If 10 is the most special, aka the birth of a child or winning the lottery, and 1 is you stepped in gum on the way in the ballpark, where does this fall? What the hell is the guy supposed to say. How did it feel to hit that home run? Eh, it was ok. Not very special at all really. Argh.

9:46 The Uncommon Wife: Who’s that guy for Pittsburgh? Is that Rathskeller? Rosenthaller? What was his name?
The Common Man: You mean Rothlesburger?
UW: Yeah, where’s he?
CM: Probably playing football somewhere, I guess.
UW: Can’t they cross over?
Has The Uncommon Wife been getting into the Berryweiss? Perhaps an investigation is in order.

9:45 Leave me alone, woman. I’m blogging.

9:50 Alfonso Soriano picks his nose on national TV. Was it his good hand? Is his mother proud? Will he ever be asked to sign an autograph again?

9:53 J.D. Drew hits a no-doubter to RF to tie the game for the AL. Just a lazor. All tied up going into the 8th.

10:03 That’s right, Joe Buck, Miguel Tejada was rejuvenated after his trade to Houston. To the tune of .275 .316 .423 in a park that’s beneficial to right-handed power hitters. Nice analysis.

10:19 Evan Longoria makes the NL regret allowing Sizemore to steal second, as the rookie laces a ground rule double down the LF line. What a stud. Longoria, of course, was the consensus #1 prospect in the country before the season began. Prospect analysis has come so far in recent years. Of Baseball Prospectus’s Top 100 prospect list coming into this season, only Homer Bailey can honestly be called a disappointment.

10:27 Huge ovation for the greatest closer of all time, Mariano Rivera, as he comes in. Exit light, enter ni-ight!

10:33 Wow, a strike-him-out, throw-him-out double play for Mariano Rivera ends the 9th. Now the AL gets last ups.

10:44 We go into extras tied. Bonus baseball! !! Ryan Dempster, of all people, struck out the side in the 9th to get us here. If you had that happening in your all star pool, you were drunk at the time you placed the bet.

OK, so in the interest of full disclosure, this is about where The Common Man stopped making copious notes. It was getting late. The Uncommon Wife had fallen asleep on the sofa. He was chatting with a friend about the game. But a couple of final notes.

Dan Uggla looked bad. Really really bad in this game. Like he didn't belong there. 0-4 with 3 Ks, six left on base, and 3 errors. Just an abysmal performance. Which is a shame, because Uggla really should have been the starter. He's been better than Chase Utley this year and the All Star Game would have been the perfect time to show off his skills and gain some national recognition for a guy that nobody wanted 3 years ago except the Marlins.

News out of New York is that Jonathan Papelbon's pregnant wife was threatened and pelted with insults while riding in a parade yesterday, because of a controversy manufactured by feckless and irresponsible "journalists" at the New York Daily News. You stay classy, Yankee fans. You too, print media. What were you saying about sensationalist and classless bloggers?

Finally, congratulations to the American League, as Justin Morneau (yay, Canada!) slides home on a Michael Young sac fly in the bottom of the 15th. Fun, long game. Now, to bed!
G'night folks!


Postscript: Bill's question in the comments section of the previous post is a good one. The Common Man will reprint it in full and feel free to debate in the comments:

Given that managers are never going to give up the idea of trying to get everybody in the game (because we've gotten to the point where lots of players wouldn't show if they didn't think they'd get to play), should they be permitted to reinsert players (as though the game started over, with the lineup at that time as the starters) in the event the game goes beyond the 9th inning?

Bill's answer is yes, but The Common Man is not convinced. The problem last night was with the scant supply of pitching on the AL side, not position players. And you shouldn't want to remove a pitcher from the game, then reinsert him later after he's cooled down. That sounds like a recipe for arm injury.

Hold the Presses

The Common Man appreciates your patience this morning. He's got a review of the All Star Game last night that needs some editting and will be ready to go, but The Boy is especially punchy this morning, and needs his daddy (and Elmo). In the meantime, enjoy this list, from The Art of Manliness, of the 15 greatest man-cries of all time.

Stupid Man Tricks

Here's the latest installment of stupid stuff men do. It's not as destructive or as awesome as exploded whale chunks, but it is proof that, if you get enough ex-fraternity brothers and enough beer together, guys will try damn near anything. The Common Man cannot urge you enough to not try this at home, no matter how drunk you get on Leinenkugel's Berryweiss. Go ahead, try not to cringe.



The amazing thing, to The Common Man, is the reaction that follows from the golfer and the peanut gallery. First, The Common Man would not let anyone short of Tiger Woods hit a golf ball off his face, but assuming he had had a LOT of Berryweiss and agreed to this idiocy, he'd pick a golfer he was reasonably sure could do the job without causing thousands of dollars of reconstructive dental surgery. The "I can't believe I actually pulled it off response from the golfer and the amazement of the crowd of idiots egging him on suggests that none of them had confidence in this ending well. At this point, The Common Man man would be nervously smoking a cigarette and shaking in the corner, mumbling "so close, so so close."

One final thought, how come nobody is congratulating and celebrating the dummy who risked the shape and functionality of his face to bring everyone such a spectacular and stupidly compelling video. That man deserves some glory. And another beer.

Preening Away Your Manhood

The Lord rested on the seventh day, and so did The Common Man, especially after The Boy came down with a cough and a fever and needed his daddy. However, today The Common Man is going to use his son's nap time more wisely, to deliver his gospel to you.

Yesterday, while getting ready for church, The Common Man was encouraged by The Uncommon Wife to try a new aftershave. The Common Man was skeptical of this new fragrance, particularly after catching its name, Blue Sugar. Sounded like a Blue Man prostitute. Yet, though The Common Man is king of his castle, he has delegated most of the power of decision making to his beautiful and talented better half. And so, he complied with her request. As he hesitated in front of the mirror, The Common Man began thinking about how complicated hygiene has become for the modern male.

The Common Man has long believed that soap is soap. Sure, shampoo goes best on hair and regular soap (in bar form, of course) goes best on the body. But in a pinch, anything will do. It's perfectly acceptable to wash your hair with soap if there just isn't one last glob of shampoo in the container. Or, if you get in the shower without looking, get yourself wet and have used the bar of soap all the way down to those useless, wafer-thin flakes, it's ok to shampoo your whole body. After all, there's hair on The Common Man's chest, arms, arm-pits, legs, and, um, other places. So for many years, The Common Man has embarked on his shower armed just with his shampoo and his bar of soap. He thought this was perfectly acceptable.

Apparently (and The Common Man wasn't aware of this), today's man needs a variety of products to look and smell manly. Sweaty musk doesn't do it anymore. As he enters the bathroom in the morning today, The Common Man is forced to negotiate shampoo, conditioner, body wash, aftershave, cologne, hair wax, and facial scrub to go with his *ahem* Clinique shaving gel. What was once a quick process of clean and comb has become a multi-phasic, multi-tasking process to achieve proper levels of sexy manness.

And it has become harder to feel masculine while going through this process during the day. After all, the facial scrub alone takes a full minute to work. A full minute of standing and waiting. A full minute that The Common Man is not engaged in some manly activity, like killing a buffalo. It's easy to feel emasculated by the metrosexual preening men must do in the morning.

As such, The Common Man has begun thinking of and referring to these processes using as masculine a vocabulary as he has at his disposal. The facial scrub, for instance, feels like a team of oxen plowing his face with strong blades, tilling the good skin to the surface.
The bodywash, or man-scrub, is the most efficient way to clean off his body without getting those little chest hairs stuck to the bar of soap (which, come on, you know annoys you. They're embarrassing, so you don't want to leave them for the next person; but they're a pain to pick off the wet bar of soap one by one). One note, under no circumstances can any self-respecting man use a luffa. Hands and washcloths only. Otherwise, the inefficiency is canceled out by the total girliness. The hair wax is like duct tape for your head. As for the fancy shampoo and conditioner, The Common Man's hair has never felt so full and bouncy and alive.

It seems as though the world is consigning men to its metrosexual agenda. There is little we can do to stop it. However, The Common Man urges you to take advantage of the advances in male hygiene, but rationalize them no matter how ridiculous your reasoning needs to be. After all, it's better to feel like a man while you slowly turn into a girl.

One final note. Blue sugar? Smells horrible. Like some kind of burnt offering to the Goddess of Metrosexuality.

Stupid Man Tricks

This is going to be a regular feature here at The Common Man. Men do stupid things because it is in their nature, and The Common Man wants to celebrate that unabashed, uncomplicated, unwise bravery and brashness. So, every day or two, he will provide you with more evidence that the male species is just a little off. Just a little different. Just a little in need of some therapy.

The Common Man promised explosions, and he supposes he must oblige in his first edition of Stupid Man Tricks. Explosions, of course, are awesome, something The Common Man tried (in vain) to explain to a seven year old girl who was playing in the back yard with The Boy. Perhaps she just hasn't seen the right explosion. Or maybe women just will never get it. The beauty, the power, and the stupidity in just blowing something up.

And without further ado:


Thoughts anyone? The Common Man is afraid his first effort may be hard to top.

Saturday Beer Review: Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy and Berryweiss

If you're anything like The Common Man (and let's face it, you are), you are a fan of beer. Not just any beer though. No, Bud Light may do in a pinch, but a real beer it is not. And so, on select Saturdays, The Common Man will pick one or two beer-like substances to review, hoping to extend your palate and to wave you off when necessary.

"Why on Saturdays?" you ask. Because Saturdays are the perfect day of the week for beer. It is a day either of hard yard work or relaxation, and both activities demand a frosty, carbonated malt beverage. It is a day for tailgating at college football games, the only acceptable situation to drink before 11 AM. It is a day for grilling and for pizza (but not for grilled pizza). It is a day, usually, with time enough to sit on the deck and taste the delicious beeriness (get used to that word, you'll read it a lot) of the beer. There is nothing like it.

The Common Man would also point out that he, in no way, is an expert on beer. Just like you, he can't tell anything about carbonation volume or appropriate rations of hops to grain or whatever. That job will fall to The Deacon, The Common Man's private brewmaster. But The Common Man can tell you what he likes and why he likes it. And dammit, that should be enough for you.

So, to kick off his beer reviews, The Common Man thought it would be appropriate to review a couple of the local brews from his boyhood in the Upper Midwest. Various versions of Miller are brewed in Milwaukee, of course, which would count for these purposes; and although the locals seem to swear by them they simply aren't that interesting. Think Budweiser with an Upper Midwest accent. For a first review, The Common Man wanted to do something a little off the beaten path, and to introduce all who are not from the Upper Midwest to something new and different. So, for your amusement and education, The Common Man tested out two summer brews by Leinenkugel's, their Summer Shandy and Berryweiss.

It was a split decision.

First, the better of the two, the Shandy. Leinie's promotes their shandy as a "lemonade flavored beer, a European favorite during the summer months. And the light crisp flavor makes it a great summer refresher. Each batch is carefully brewed using the finest wheat, malted barley, and just a hint of real Wisconsin honey. Then, our brewmasters mix in fresh lemonade and citrus flavors to create an adventurous taste that's perfect for those lazy days of summer."

Indeed, as advertised, the beer tastes very lemony. In fact, it tastes far more like lemonade than beer. And the lemonade cuts the alcohol content some (making The Common Man wonder how beer and hard lemonade would mingle), down to 4.2% by volume. So, it's easy to drink a ton and not feel terribly buzzed. Depending on your goals for the afternoon/evening, you've received fair warning.

Though the beeriness is dominated by the lemonade, it still is a refreshing drink on a hot day. The Common Man doesn't know about "an adventurous taste," though. More like "pleasant to take sips from the bottle, while pushing The Boy on his swingset." It's not like it makes The Common Man want to go skydiving or anything.

One final warning: Do not, under any circumstances, pour this beer into a glass or get it from a tap. It looks suspiciously like cloudy urine. Like some brewmaster had had asparagus last night.

The Berryweiss was a total disappointment. The Common Man is used to having various fruits and berries inserted into his beer by The Deacon, The Common Man's private brewmaster. But this is different. First, The Deacon's Cherry Porter, Cherry Wheat Ale, and the Triple Berry thing are delicious. Leinenkugel's, on the other hand, suggests putting ice in the beer or mixing it with Honeyweiss, which suggests that even they realize that this is a crappy beer to drink on its own. And they're right.

Second, The Deacon's beer both looks and tastes like beer, with the fruit as an afterthought. The Leinie's Berryweiss is plum colored. That's just not right. Now, The Common Man does not discriminate against anyone based on their color, but if some purple guy shows up at his door and the Minnesota Vikings aren't playing, The Common Man is going to ask what the hell happened. Second, there is no beeriness to the beer. Instead, it tastes like carbonated fruit juice concentrate, strong and sweet and tart and overwhelming. It is, pardon me ladies, the ultimate chick beer. Men, and women with good sense, stay away. Far, far away.

And so, there you go. Two beers, neither of which quite match up with The Common Man's definition of good beer. That said, the shandy is quite drinkable and a nice compliment to a salad or salmon or to just being outside. The less said about the Berryweiss the better. Next time out, The Common Man will try to profile some beers with a little more beeriness to them. And he welcomes suggestions to try from the peanut gallery.

Reboot

Hi, and welcome to The Common Man v. 2.0. My name is Rodney, and I'm in charge of the web page. You'll notice some changes around here, the first being our new address and layout. We're going for a real minimalist look around here, since the boss says that men don't like to decorate. That said, we're also trying to find ways to make the site more interactive than before. We'll have a new poll question every week and I invite all of you to comment, since I know The Common Man likes to know he has people reading his important work. And feel free to subscribe to the The Common Man's RSS feed on the sidebar. New postings will appear here daily (including weekends) as we try to build the blog's readership. Enjoy.

So, what else? A quick note about me. I'm 27 and was living in my mom's basement when the boss found me and imbued me with purpose. He told me I was wasting my life, playing Halo 3 in the dark, by myself. While he admitted that Halo 3 was awesome, and even sat down and showed me some moves, he said that a man has eventually got to make his own dinner and wash his own clothes and have sex in an elevator, or he can never become a man. So, 3 weeks later, I moved out and agreed to be his personal web lackey/grasshopper/best friend ever. I'm still working on the elevator, but everything else seems to be going well. Anyway, I won't be around much, just to let everyone know about changes to the blog and to talk about my metamorphosis.

And now, without further ado, here's the man himself:


Greetings, fellow travelers. It is said that in times of great crisis, when dark, ominous clouds dominate the horizon and the oceans dash ships of dreams on rocky shoals, that he will will come. A hero will arise and will protect the people from threats from within and without. He will set the world aright.

And so, it is with great enthusiasm that The Common Man announces his return to the blogosphere, just in time to watch that man hit the silver screen on July 19th. The Common Man has been touring the world with The Uncommon Wife and The Boy, seeking wisdom and resolve. From the fertile fields of the American north to the dry deserts of Egypt, from the depths of his basement to the hallowed halls of Nanda Parbat, The Common Man has consulted with kings, prophets, and marketing gurus. As a result, The Common Man returns not just older and wiser (and with more time on his hands), but with a renewed determination to spread his ideological seed and a new web design (all together, now: oooh! ahhhh).

Taken as a whole, The Common Man is dissatisfied with the ways that contemporary media defines the interests of the American male. Sure, sports show up very
brightly on his radar. And so do women. And big, crazy action movies. The Common Man is sympathetic to that. He loves those things too, and promises ample opportunity for you to discuss them. That said, when Americans let their popular culture drive and determine contemporary masculinity, important aspects of manliness get the short shrift. It's essential for men to discuss their responsibilities as well as their revelries. Current events as well as cup sizes. This is a site about the things men should care about, that women are welcome to read too (especially if you leave a phone number).