12 Simple Rules for Surviving TwinsFest 2012

By The Common Man

This weekend, as you might already know, is TwinsFest, the annual autograph party/baseball card show/memorabilia auction/other stuff put on by the local Minnesota nine. Last year, due to the actual collapse of the Metrodome, the Twins were forced to relocate their celebration to a venue that was excessively crowded, confusing, and generally unpleasant for everyone involved. This year, though, with the Teflon baggie back up, the Twins and their fans are for once glad to be headed back to the team’s former home.

The Common Man and Bill will be there on both Saturday and Sunday, with special guest and fan of experiences Carson Cistulli, of FanGraphs and NotGraphs fame. He is pictured, sans his new, unwieldy mustache, to your right. If you see a really tall guy walking around with a really short guy, that’s probably Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito reliving their glory days in Twins. But if you see a marginally tall guy with a marginally short guy arguing about something or cracking themselves up, while the skinny guy pictured to the right looks on bewildered, that’s us. Say hi. (Or conversely, shoot us an email or a message over Twitter, and we’d love to meet you.)

Anyway, a couple years back, The Common Man wrote up his TwinsFest experience, and included a list of rules to help the uninitiated get the most out of their TwinsFest experience. As a public service, TCM thought it was time to update the list to reflect some changes in the rules for the event, and to account for the fact that TCM is a much better writer now. Anyway, here are a dozen simple rules for having a blast at TwinsFest:

Thanks to all, now read even more!

First of all, a huge thanks to ESPN's Rob Neyer and Baseball Think Factory for featuring The Common Man yesterday. The Common Man is truly honored and humbled. Thanks also to friends of the blog Bill at The Daily Something and Lar at Wezen-ball for starting the Twitter ball rolling that led to expanded exposure for The Common Man. There's a new post up at The Daily Something on one of the treasures discovered at TwinsFest, a preview of the 1981 season by The Sporting News.

Also, now you can follow The Common Man on Twitter.

The Manly Awesomeness of Frank Howard

As Bill pointed out today, The Common Man had the opportunity to meet the great Frank Howard, "The Capitol Punisher," this weekend, as he was signing autographs on behalf of the Bob Feller Museum. Howard is still one of the tallest position players of all time, at 6’7”, and one of its most effective. From 1958-1973, “Hondo” played for the Dodgers, the new Washington Senators, the Texas Rangers, and the Detroit Tigers, never posting an OPS+ below 107 after 1960. Despite a reputation as a low-average slugger in a terrible era for hitters, Howard managed to put together at .273/.352/.499 line across 16 seasons. His 142 OPS+ is tied for 61st all time, ahead of former teammate Duke Snider, and other Hall of Fame sluggers including Reggie Jackson, Chuck Klein, Al Simmons, Dave Winfield, Eddie Murray, Billy Williams, Carl Yastrezemski, and (of course) Jim Rice.

In fact, it might be helpful to think of Frank Howard as the player everyone thinks Jim Rice was. Like Rice, Howard was a defensively challenged corner outfielder. Both lasted 16 seasons, each playing from age 21 to 36, and both hit, believe it or not, 382 homers. Howard’s career OPS was .851, and Rice’s was .854. Rice had a higher batting average, more hits, and more doubles, but also had 1700 more plate appearances. While superficially similar, however, Howard’s performance actually towers over Rice when we account for the era and stadiums in which he played. While Rice spent his whole career taking aim at the Green Monster, Howard was mired hitters’ hells in Dodger Stadium and RFK Stadium for almost all his career. Howard had two full seasons in LA’s Memorial Coliseum in 1960 and 1961, and one full year at Tiger Stadium in his last season, but otherwise played in a scoring wasteland.

Their careers also differ in another essential way. While some writers have twisted themselves into knots to demonstrate that Jim Rice was The Most Feared Hitter In the American League, it’s Howard who was really frightening.

Fig. 1 Some writers.

Again, while getting just four times at bat to every five that Rice got, Howard was intentionally walked 75% more often (135 to 77), including 29 times in 1970 (when he also had 103 unintentional walks and still hit 44 homers). Rice, meanwhile, was never passed more than 10 times in any season (and maxed out at 62 walks for his career high). Howard scared opposing pitchers and teammates alike, not just for the terrific distances his hits traveled but the terrible speed with which the ball came off his bat. From a 1964 profile on Howard in Sports Illustrated, William Leggett writes that “the sight of Howard digging in at the plate causes third-base coach Leo Durocheer to shuffle six steps toward left field and a dozen steps back toward the stands, so that he looks more like a patron cheering from the field boxes than a man going about the business of being a baseline coach.”

And Durocher had good reason to be afraid. As Leggett recounted, Howard’s talent could quickly turn horrifying. In 1957, Howard was taking batting practice at his alma mater, Ohio State, and “a student manager, Melvin Lipton, was picking up balls in the infield behind the pitcher. Howard lined a ball that hit Lipton in the head ust as he looked up. It fractured Upton’s skull, and he was on the critical list for three days.” The next year, according to Los Angeles Times on September 17, “[Duke] Snider was on third base in the fifth inning of the Dodgers’ game at Cincinnati when he was struck by a line drive hit by his teammate, Frank Howard….”The ball ‘struck Snider’s right shoulder and then his right ear a glancing blow, dropping him as though he’d be [sic] shot with an elephant gun….’ ‘I saw the ball coming off Howard’s bat and I tried to duck into it so that I would take the blow off my plastic helmet,’ Snider said. ‘Boy, he really hit that one.’”

In Leggett’s article, Snider recounts that story, saying, “I had my protective helmet on just in case he hit one at me, and he did. I was in foul territory and didn't see the ball come off the bat too good. All I saw was a blur and I threw my left shoulder up a bit. The ball glanced off the shoulder and hit below the bottom of my helmet. I went down. I didn't know where I was, and blood started to flow out of my ear. They picked me up and I was dizzy for three, four, five days. Frank Howard has more raw power than anyone in baseball."

Howard’s incredible ability, however, did little to help his confidence. He told Leggett, “I think I am a realistic guy…. I have the God-given talents of strength and leverage. I realize that I can never be a great ballplayer because a great ballplayer must be able to do five things well: run, field, throw, hit and hit with power. I am mediocre in four of those—but I can hit with power. I have a chance to be a good ballplayer. I work on my fielding all the time, but in the last two years I feel that I have gotten worse as a fielder. My greatest fear was being on the bases, and I still worry about it. I'm afraid to get picked off. I'm afraid to make a mistake on the bases, and I have made them again and again, but here I feel myself getting better." In addition, Leggett describes him as “by no means the smartest man alive, and he knows it.” Already sensitive to criticism (being so tall probably didn’t help; ask Randy Johnson), and disappointed at a lack of playing time and a relative drop in performance didn’t help Hondo either. Late in 1963, he had to be talked into staying in baseball by Pete Reiser. That offseason, Howard reconsidered again, writing a letter to Dodgers’ GM Buzzie Bavasi saying “I have found that money is not the cure to all ills.” Again, Howard was talked into staying, but he struggled to a .226/.303/.432 line.

Howard’s struggles should resonate with men today. Despite his immense size, strength, and talent, the lack of confidence and confusion that plagued his early years are familiar to The Common Man. Talent, and the expectations that come with it can be a tremendous burden on a man, particularly if he slips out of the gate. And the greater the talent, the greater the disappointment when a man falls short. But as familiar as Frank Howard’s struggles seem, his recovery and ultimate triumph is more important. Traded to the new Senators the next offseason, Howard rediscovered his talent and confidence and became the toast of the nation’s capitol. Howard became a team leader and beloved figure, whose combination of size, gentleness, and humor endeared him to his fans.

Fig. 2 Perhaps the greatest photo of Frank Howard of all time.

And Howard, the player criticized as too dumb, too lazy, and too one-dimensional in Los Angeles became a big-league manager, credited with helping develop a young core of talent with both the San Diego Padres and New York Mets as they rebuilt their franchises. His experience provided the needed perspective to guide those young players through their struggles and crises of confidence. Looking at his evolution, it is clear that Frank Howard grew as a man as the 1960s progressed, and that he helped others with similar struggles after his career ended.

So while The Common Man enjoyed meeting Justin Morneau, Pat Neshek, Jack Morris, and others at TwinsFest, he’s happiest that he met Frank Howard, whose kindness and warmth met all expectations. Would that all former ballplayers were that excited to interact with fans and generous with their time and attention.

Fig. 3 One awesome dude.

Photos taken from here, here, and here

11 Simple Rules For Dating My TwinsFest

The Common Man spent his weekend making slow circles around the inside of the Metrodome in the land of his birth, enjoying another successful TwinsFest.


The Common Man managed to get in front of Justin Morneau (don’t drop the torch, Justin, please. Enough Minnesota athletes have had fumbling problems lately), Jack Morris, Tony Oliva, Jim Thome, Denard Span, Scott Baker, Michael Cuddyer, Kevin Slowey, Francisco Liriano, Jason Kubel, JJ Hardy, Jesse Crain, and Official Twins Reliever of the Blogosphere Pat Neshek. He got to meet polite and fresh-faced youngsters like Aaron Hicks (who the ladies will love), Kyle Gibson, and Carlos Gutierrez. (As an aside, The Common Man was really impressed with little-known Twins pitching prospect Cole DeVries. DeVries made a point to interact with every kid in the line and had a quick smile, good sense of humor, and a genuine warmth. DeVries had two good years in 2007 and 2008 before struggling at New Britain last year, and saw his BB/K drop for a third straight year. As a 25 year old at AA, Cole will be facing a make-or-break year in 2010, and The Common Man will be pulling for him.)

In addition, The Common Man, along with good friend of the blog Bill at TDS, were totally big-leagued by former Twins 3B Corey Koskie, so that was fun. Also, The Common Man shopped for baseball cards with Twins broadcaster Dick Bremer (ok, so maybe Bremer was just traveling a similar route) and managed to pick up this 1955 Topps Don Mossi card for $2.50:


Fig. 1 Because you can't turn down a face this ugly.

But while The Common Man's TwinsFest was a terrific experience, the day did not go as well for several others The Common Man met/overheard over the course of the weekend. As a public service, in order to help you out next year, The Common Man generously presents his 11 Rules for TwinsFest:

1) Don’t show up early on Saturday. The lines at the door quickly turn into mosh pits as a desperate group of souvenir dealers, housewives, young blondes in tight clothes, and small unhappy children with over-zealous fathers crowd the doors so they can race to get Joe Mauer’s autograph. You will just be cold, cranky, and trampled by the time you get inside the gate and weasels who showed up as the orderly line devolved into chaos will get in before you.

2) Always go with a buddy. Bill and The Common Man spent a lot of time in line together, allowing us to conduct two fantasy drafts of current and former Twins (25 man rosters, one squad based on value while a Twin, the other based on overall career value). Also, if you get in the Justin Morneau line at 9:00, and he doesn’t start signing until 11:00, each of you will have time to slip away and get Denard Span’s autograph in the meantime.

3) Mustard has perfected jeans-seeking technology. We are losing the arms race.

4) Bring money. Lots of money. If you want autographs, TwinsFest is expensive. Minor leaguers are free, but current and former Twins can run from $10/panel to $30 for a Hall of Famers (Carew, Molitor, Killebrew, etc.) Keep in mind that you may need to buy baseballs and other souvenirs for players to sign. An official MLB ball may cost $11-15 at the event. If you’re getting an unofficial ball, make sure it is made with real leather and not glossy. You can find these for around $5. If you have no intention of ever selling your autographs (The Common Man plans to pass his along to The Boy), this is a good strategy to keep the overall price down.


Fig. 2 A good start.

5) Keep your program. The Common Man knows this is hard to believe, but some players’ signatures are hard to read. Particularly if you plan to get the autographs of minor leaguers, it’s good to have the program so you can remember whose autographs you’re getting (or got last year) and can follow their career during the season.

6) Think carefully about bringing your small child to TwinsFest. Babies who can ride in backpacks or Bjorns are probably fine. Kids between 1-2 years old are ideal. They are cute, but relatively agreeable and quiet. And The Common Man says this next part as the father of a three-year old: your three-year old is not equipped to stand in line for 3 hours to get Joe Mauer’s autograph. There is a lot to do at the Dome, but it is not aimed at really young kids. Five or six years old is about when TwinsFest starts to get viable, but avoid longer lines (get the free autographs of the minor leaguers, or some of the current/former Twins down on the playing field). Also, please don’t put your kid on a leash; that’s just uncomfortable for all of us.

7) Do not expect to get a lot of face time with your favorite players. The lines need to be kept moving (because trampling could occur if Joe Mauer’s not signing at a steady clip). Also, you can’t ask players to pose in pictures with you. Get them while they’re signing your stuff, or signing someone else’s (no one will ever know). You may be able to double your time with a guy if you’re working in tandem with a less talkative partner (sorry about that, Bill), but you’ll still have 15-20 seconds, tops. So enjoy them while you can.

8) No matter how hopeful you are, unless you plan well in advance, you are unlikely to get Joe Mauer or Justin Morneau’s autograph. Actually, that goes triple for Mauer. With a half-hour to go for his hour-and-a-half session, The Common Man took an informal poll of people waiting. Almost all of them thought they were going to get Mauer’s autograph. These were people who were 500-750 spots away from the front of the line. It was sad.


Fig. 3 It can feel like this.

To get in to see Joe or Justin, you need to be there early and be willing to sacrifice other autographs you could be getting in the meantime.

9) Do not drink at TwinsFest. It’s just unnecessary. There are a ton of people, it’s morning or early afternoon, you’re going to get jostled, and your beer comes in a plastic cup. Either you or the Metrodome floor is going to get covered in Miller Genuine Draft. And nobody wants that.

10) Coats are a pain in the ass. The Twins have missed a golden opportunity by not working out some kind of coat check system. It’s January, so everyone is wearing their heavy jackets, particularly when they show up at 8:00 and the gates open at 9:00. But then you have to carry your jacket around with you the whole freaking day. The Common Man would have gladly payed $3-5 to have someone else mind his jacket while he walked around the stadium in comfort. As all the proceeds for the event go to charity, nobody should complain about this added expense. This is a great money-making proposition that The Common Man cannot believe has gone unaddressed. Twins, contact The Common Man. He has a detailed plan (with diagrams), and several other terrific promotional ideas (Why aren’t there batting cages for adults? Wouldn’t many of the 10,000 people in attendance, ALL OF WHOM ARE BASEBALL FANS, want a turn in the cage for $3? Also, why has no one ever thought to let the fans onto the field after a game and project a movie on the canvas of the dome???). Seriously Twins, you don’t know what you’re missing.

11) If you enjoy people-watching, TwinsFest is a must-see. In addition to grown men wearing jerseys with their nicknames written across the back (really, you’re the Iron Horse, 45-year old guy with a grey goatee, Zubaz, and a beer gut? OK, if you say so), you get to see the latest in Baseball Annie-wear (tight jerseys (particularly of the player whose line they are standing in) tied above the midriff, a lot of layering with lacy fringed tops, unrealistically long blonde extensions, Bump-Its, high heels (you do know you’re standing in line all day, right?), and charcoal-dark eyeshadow that cakes the eye-socket). My God, it’s like they’re a 16 year old Twilight fan auditioning for American Idol.

Fig. 4 What do you mean this show isn't classy?

Also, you get to enjoy the little kids decked out to the nines in Twins-related gear (always a highlight, especially if the kid isn’t ugly or crying). Plus, you get to enjoy the following categories of Twins-fan:
Guy-who-just-came-off-the-ice-because-he-caught-his-limit-for-the-day-and-might-as-well-come-to-TwinsFest-because-he-doesn’t-have-anything-else-going-today,
Woman-whose-t-shirt-is-not-quite-covering-her-belly-fat,
Possible-homeless-guy-who-is-just-trying-to-get-out-of-the-cold-by-finding-a-quiet-corner-of-the-Metrodome-to-conceal-himself-for-the-winter,
Loud-lady-who-complains-constantly-about-how-the-autograph-system-works-and-can’t-wait-to-get-down-to-Florida-in-three-weeks-because-it’s-way-too-cold,
Sad-man-child-hero-worshipper,
Cynical-souvenir-hunter-dragging-two-suitcases-stuffed-with-shit-with-several-bats-sticking-out-of-the-top-who-is-looking-forward-to-Ebaying-all-this-stuff-tomorrow,
Beleaguered-dad-who-didn’t-take-TCM’s-advice-at-#6,
Beleaguered-mom-who-can’t-believe-beleaguered-dad-didn’t-take-TCM’s-advice-at-#6-even-though-she-told-him-she-didn’t-think-this-was-a-good-idea-but-NOOOOO-he-just-wouldn’t-listen-and-kept-saying-“It’ll-be-fine,”

and, of course, The Whaaaaaaa? (Otherwise known as the Holy-shit-turn-around-slowly-do-you-see-that-guy-no-that-guy-the-guy-with-the-thing-what-is-that-oh-God-he’s-looking-at-us-turn-away-don’t-look-did-you-see-it-what-the-hell-was-that?)

The Common Man also saw an otherwise very attractive girl with the strangest eyebrows he had ever seen. Were they drawn on with a Sharpie? They sure as hell could have been. However, without touching them to be sure, The Common Man's guess is badger fur. Really, if Minka Kelly can't pull this off, what hope do you have?

The Common Man hopes this will be helpful as you plan your TwinsFest (or really, any fan fest) next year. Stay tuned to this blog for the rest of this week for more articles born out of TwinsFest. Seriously, there's good stuff on tap.

Twins Weekend

Every year, in the dead of winter, the Minnesota Twins hold a massive festival in the Metrodome. When he was but a boy, The Common Man and his best friend, Bill, would go to this TwinsFest every year, braving the cold outside, and the crowds and the lines inside to snag some autographs, peruse through baseball cards (TwinsFest doubles as the largest card and memorabilia show in the Midwest), and generally get geared up for the coming season. It was a great way for The Common Man to sustain himself through the depths of winter when baseball seems so far away.


Needing a weekend away from the womenfolk and the babies, The Common Man and his friend decided to get all nostalgic and to return to the Twin Cities, nerding out to the highest degree possible with 31,000 other Twins fans. And nerd out they did, laying out a complex plan in advance for getting through the crowds at the Dome, seeking out the autographs they wanted and avoiding those that they already had or didn't want to bother with (really, what's the point of getting Ben Revere's name on a baseball, if you're only going to follow it up with Drew Butera and Toby Gardenhire?). In all it was a highly successful trip, and a highly successful TwinsFest. The Twins really put on a good show. Here are some random observations from this weekend:

1) The crowds are huge at TwinsFest, and even below-zero temperatures don't keep hearty Minnesotans from lining up outside the gates at six in the morning. The Common Man and Bill got the the Dome at 8:30 on Sunday, a full half-hour before the gate opened, and the line was almost out in the street. When Joe Mauer is signing at 11:00, it's important to be as close to the front of the line as possible.

2) Because this is such a big card show, sometimes non-Twins show up. This year, 91 year old Bob Feller sat in a small booth and autographed baseballs (at $25 a pop) for nine hours. The Common Man, of course, partook of the man's graciousness and stamina and got his baseball signed. Feller, though cantankerous in his public comments recently, was gracious and made a point of shaking The Common Man's hand firmly, looking him in the eye, and sizing him up. It was clear that Bob Feller had figured out that, if push came to shove, he could take The Common Man in a fight. Bob Feller is a man's man. Anyway, all the media bellyaching that followed Feller's comments seems unnecessary. At 91, The Common Man thinks Rapid Robert has earned the right to be a little silly and full of himself. You get a certain amount of leeway after turning 85.

3) The Common Man and Bill got there too late on Saturday for Justin Morneau's autograph, but were able to sidle on over to Bert Blyleven's line a half hour before the Dutchman was going to start signing, and get a good spot. The Hall of Fame debate surrounding Blyleven has been done to death around the interwebs, and The common Man won't add to it here, except to say that Bert Blyleven is clearly the best eligible pitcher not enshrined. His counting stats (287 wins, 3701 Ks, 242 CGs, 60 Shutouts, almost 5000 IP) are excellent, and his intangibles (one of the greatest curveballs of all time, a beloved and colorful player, played on mostly less-than-stellar teams) should help him. In the interest of full-disclosure, The Common Man has always liked Blyleven, and liked his case for enshrinement. Today, however, The Common Man loves the man even more.

As he waited in line, The Common Man called his 91-year old grandmother to tell her about Feller, and mentioned that he was going to get Bert's autograph. She told her grandson to "tell Mr. Blyleven that I've been a Twins fan since 1961 and followed him since 1970, and I love listening to him on the television. And tell him that I hope he gets into the Hall of Fame." Well, The Common Man thought about trying to remember all that, and decided it would be easier for her to tell Bert herself. So at the front of the line, once he saw that Bert was being chatty with his fans, The Common Man called his grandmother and asked Bert if he wouldn't mind speaking to his biggest fan over-90. With great humor and warmth, Blyleven talked to The Common Man's grandmother for a minute-and-a-half or so before passing the phone back, joking with her that The Common Man was standing before him with earings, spiked purple hair, and a tongue stud, and that she should have a talk with her grandson. "Now I know you're pulling my leg," she told him in her cutest grandma voice, before thanking him and wishing him well.

It was just another wacky moment in the life of Bert Blyleven, one he's probably forgetten by now. But The Common Man's grandmother has been going on about getting to talk to Bert Blyleven to anyone who will listen to her these last couple of days. She's told them about how funny he was and how giddy and flustered she felt at the opportunity. So, while The Common Man apologizes to all the people in line who had to wait for an extra minute and a half, he wants to publicly thank Bert for making his grandmother's week.

4) TwinsFest is a lot of fun, don't get The Common Man wrong. But all of its physical activities are devoted to kids. Batting cages, youth clinics, homerun derbies. The ones at TwinsFest are specifically designed for youngsters. The Common Man thinks that the event is missing a great opportunity. How many adults would love to spend some extra minutes in a batting cage, for instance? How much would they pay to get 20 cuts in? Since people were willingly shelling out $4 for a soda, he thinks they'd pay plenty.

5) Oh dear God, the lines were long. With more than 31,000 fans in attendence, that probably goes without saying. But The Common Man had to get in line at 9:00 to get Joe Mauer's autograph from 10:45-12:15. In all, The Common Man probably spent 6 hours just waiting in line in the ballpark's concourse, watching a highlight video of the 1982 Twins on a loop. If The Common Man has to hear "Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air. I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee," again, he's going to end it all. Still, it was very worth it. That Mauer ball is going next to Puckett in the display case.

6) When you're standing in line forever, you find other things to do with your time. This is how The Common Man figured out he could name all 58 Cy Young award winners from 1980-2008. He'd think that was impressive too, except that Bill could name all the MVP winners from the same period, and did so much faster.

And that was The Common Man's weekend. A lot of lines. A lot of autographs. There were also a couple of wonderful dinners (thanks, Bill's mom!), a stack of waffles, and three wonderful beers The Common Man can't wait to tell you about later this week.