By The Common Man
The Common Man is working on something else right now, but frankly this was too much fun to ignore for any longer. On Twitter today, TCM proposed a couple new nicknames for his favorite Twins today. Batgirl used to be terrific at this, but since she's no longer active and there are a lot of new faces, TCM thought it was time for some new ones. In the spirit of that, here are TCM’s nicknames for most of the Opening Day roster:
Joe Mauer = Captain America
He’s the All-American boy and he plays like a superhero. Also, he has a mitt and padding to shield him, and he wears a mask.
He’s big and burly and from Canada. And he needs a rugged nickname to counteract the perception that he’s somehow a wuss for having a concussion. Finally, you know you’d buy a comic book that had Captain America and The Mountie facing off against The Evil Empire.
After the adorable dinosaur that tried to ruin Super Mario games. TCM predicts better things for this Japanese import.
Third base: Danny Valencia = The Hebrew Hurricane
Valencia is Jewish and went to the University of Miami. Sometimes these write themselves.
Shortstop: Alexi Casilla = The Question Mark
Who is he? A shortstop who was mismatched at second base? A good hitter who had terrible years? A bad hitter who got lucky? Something tells TCM that we’ll find out in 2011.
Because he plays leftfield like he’s on roller skates, or ice skates, whichever you prefer. Young’s defense is terrible. This used to belong to Lonnie Smith, but he’s long retired. We could update it to Blades instead.
The first one to suggests “Denarded” gets kicked in the solar plexus. Hard.
Rightfield: Michael Cuddyer = The Champion of Chesapeake
Remember geographically based nicknames? The Duke of Tralee? The Reading Rifle? Yeah, that’s all TCM’s got here. He’ll accept other suggestions, however.
As in, Kubel should always work with a partner to dull his obnoxious inability to hit lefthanders. Alas, like Jerry Lewis, he often works alone and spoils his talents.
Because JIMBO BE MASHIN SOME TATERS.
Starting pitchers:
Francisco Liriano = FranKKKKie or The Cisco KidEither is acceptable. Cisco is more about his youth and being a gunslinger. FranKKKKie denotes the strikeouts he rings up. TCM is happy either way.
God-willing, it will make a comeback.
Because even with that fake goatee last year, Scott Baker looks like he’s 12 on the mound.
Kevin Slowey = Bullseye
Slowey doesn’t walk anybody and, frankly, TCM’s always thought that Hawkeye was an uninspiring Avenger.
Because somebody’s gotta have a cool, 1940s-esque nickname.
Brian Duensing = The Dunce
Hey, TCM likes Brian Duensing and thinks he should be in the rotation in 2011. But if he didn’t want an insulting nickname, he should have changed his last name.
Closer: Joe Nathan = The Executioner
Is this taken already? Boy, TCM hopes not.
Setup: Matt Capps = State Farm
He’s the expensive insurance policy in case Joe Nathan isn’t healthy to start the year.
Again, not all nicknames are nice, even though TCM like Mijares a lot. And Mijares kind of has a slovenly look about him on the mound.
Setup: Pat Neshek = The Freak
Neshek can keep his nickname. Also, he’s awesome.
Backup IF: Matt Tolbert = Bump
He can’t hit, and doesn’t really field that well. Best if he just sits there like a bump on the bench and doesn’t move for nine innings.
With Thome and Morneau back, Repko’s not going to get as much playing time this year, so he needs to work on his high-fiving skills on the bench and live up to this name.
Backup C: Drew Butera = Drew Butera
Frankly, The Common Man can’t be bothered to come up with a nickname for Drew Butera. He’s just worthless. If he just stopped coming to the ballpark, the only person who would notice is Carl Pavano.
(Update: Check the comments, as reader Taye's got a great suggestion for Drew Butera. TCM's pleased he didn't have to expend energy on that one.)
