Saturday Beer Review (kind of)

Tonight's beer review begins with a story. The Common Man was innocently enjoying the farmer's market today; the veggies were relatively cheap and fresh (as were the bagels) and The Common Man managed to find two neat-looking beers to review by New Glarus Brewing Company. On the way home, since they had had such a wonderful time at the market as a family, The Uncommon Wife sweetly asked The Common Man whether he'd like to take a walk with her and The Boy and The Evil Dog that afternoon. The Common Man agreed since he needs to exercise more anyway and it's always good to spend more time with the fam. "Perfect," she told him, "I already have the route planned out.

What The Uncommon Wife failed to mention, however, was that the route was four miles long. With The Boy. And The Evil Dog. And what The Common Man figured as a half-hour jaunt around the neighborhood turned into two hour odyssey through the west side of Madison. The Common Man's two bum knees are a little sore tonight, he's dead tired, and sunburned.

Now, The Common Man would have been able to deal with this development. After all, what's two hours on a Saturday anyway? He could have one beer with dinner, after all, and one later. Or one to celebrate the end of his Bataan Death March, and one to chase the food down his belly.

However, fate would have other ideas. Along the parade route, The Common Man, The Uncommon Wife, and The Boy (but not Ralph the Evil Dog) managed to get invited to a party. For this to make much sense, The Common Man needs to backtrack here for a second. The backyard of the new house has a jungle gym and a basketball court. And so it has become a Mecca for kids around the neighborhood who either a) have no basketball court/jungle gym or b) don't have a little brother as adorable as The Boy. And The Common Man and Uncommon Wife encourage their presence, since it gives The Boy a chance to practice socializing with other kids. The upshot of all this is that The Common Man knows virtually every kid in the neighborhood but very few of the parents (though he tries to meet them whenever possible; he doesn't want to be known as the sketchy guy who lets kids play in his yard).

Anyway, out of the corner of his eye, The Common Man spots one of the kids in a backyard jumping on a trampoline. He waves, then sees a man coming out of yard's house. "Hi," says The Common Man, trying to be neighborly. "Are you A_____ and L_____'s dad?" He says something about being a stepdad and a conversation begins. He mentions that he's having a small get together that night and would everyone like to come by for brats, beer, and corn on the cob. Not wanting to turn down an offer for some adult company and really hoping to get in good with the neighbors, The Common Man, et al agreed to drop by.

And so, upon their return The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife sprang into action. The Boy needed dinner (because he couldn't last until the party), and if he was having dinner, everyone else might as well join in. And The Common Man never shows up to a party empty-handed, so he drove to the store and brought home a sixer of his old standby, Bass Ale.

Bass, to The Common Man, seems like the perfect beer to bring anywhere. It is flavorful and different enough to not offend the denigrators of Budweiser, Miller, and the other American waters. But it's also light enough that people who don't like heavy beers won't be offended. And though a pale ale by name, Bass lacks the hoppiness of most of its compatriots. It is perfect to drink in the heat, and just fine in the winter. It's great to drink in a crowd or by yourself. You can drink it here or there, you can drink it anywhere. It is, in fact, the perfect compromise beer. It has something to appeal to everyone.

So, what happens? The Common Man returns home, and the kids in question are playing in the backyard with The Boy. And they are happy to report that, somewhere, there has been a miscommunication. Actually, the friendly fellow from the walk isn't their stepdad, but that of their friend Chloe. And so, The Common Man, The Uncommon Wife, and The Boy head to the party of the man they don't know and have no connection to, with beer and cookies. Everyone there is perfectly nice, but, as it turns out, they do not drink or need any Bass (there's a kegorator of Bud Light in the basement). In fact, they return the leftover Bass when The Common Man leaves to put The Boy to bed.

So, now The Common Man is dehydrated (from the walk, and from drinking the Bass by himself), has no more room for the New Glarus, and hasn't had time to drink them anyway. So you get a story and a review of The Common Man's old stand by, Bass, filling in once again in a pinch. The perfect beer for every occasion.

Better Late Than...

Look, The Common Man knows that he's a little late with this review. Heck, the movie opened a week ago. But between having to arrange childcare for The Boy, finding a time that both The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife could go, and not wanting to deal with obnoxious crowds, The Common Man feels like he did a pretty good job of getting out to the theater in a timely fashion. And it's a good thing, because The Common Man was totally geeked up when he finally got there.

Yet, The Uncommon Wife leaned in to get close to The Common Man as they entered the darkened theater. Very innocently, she mused that a co-worker had said that he didn't like The Dark Knight. Very sweetly, almost non-chalant. The Common Man's bulged wide, but he can understand that point of view, he supposes. The movie is incredibly dark and violent, after all. And perhaps most importantly, it isn't at all what moviegoers have come to expect from a superhero flick. Director Christopher Nolan constantly keeps his audience guessing with fake-outs and curveballs and red herrings. And while The Common Man may be willing to accept the fact that not everyone will like the new Batman movie (though the jury's still out on that), there is no denying that this is an excellent movie and that anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight.

The film is impeccably cast. Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, and Michael Caine return, of course, from the first movie and are all very good. Maggie Gyllanhall does fine. And of course Heath Ledger shines (or slinks), more on him later though. And Aaron Eckardt is terrific as the pivot point around which the movie turns. Sure, the film stars and features Batman and The Joker, but Eckardt's Harvey Dent is the soul of the film.


More than anything, it is about him. The secondary casting choices are also excellent, however. Bit parts went to big time actors. William Fichner plays a pissed off bank manager. Michael Jai White is a mob boss, as is Eric Roberts. Anthony Michael Hall is a reporter. "That guy" actor Ron Dean plays a prominent role. And gravel voiced Keith Szarabajka (who Angel fans will recognize) seethes. It's like good actors were pounding on Nolan's door, begging to be part of this film.

The tone of the film is just so dark. Like the first film, there's not much to laugh at here. It's a punishing grind of murder and explosions. It's like a two-and-a-half hour root canal for your mind, as Bale, Eckhardt, Caine, Ledger, and Nolan play with your notions of heroism, bravery, and decency. And the conclusions that they come to about those things, and about the nature of humanity and our Dewmocracy will bend your brain.

Yet, it's gripping in a way that the first film was not. A large part of that is due to Heath Ledger's scintilating performance. His Joker oozes slime, hate, and bile. When he's on screen it's impossible not to feel greasy, but even harder to turn away. He's the worst kind of villain, one who hates himself but doesn't want to change. So in order to feel better about himself, he has to bring everyone else to his level. He's the antithesis of manliness.

The Common Man can certainly see how someone could buy into the hype surrounding Ledger's untimely death and it's connection to the movie and overrate his performance accordingly. However, that doesn't change the fact that Ledger has given one of the most memorable performances in modern movie history. His Joker, while not definitive, is iconic and will leave a mark in the minds of all those who see it.

If you haven't already, you should see this movie, as The Common Man believes it is destined to become a cultural touchstone. When critics and scholars and filmmakers look back on the current era of filmmaking, the era of blockbuster superhero/comic book action movies, they will have to talk about this film and its legacy on the superhero genre. And if you don't like it (though you really should), at least appreciate it for what it is: the most cerebral and intense film of its kind thusfar.

Rodney: The Century Mark

Hey everybody!

Rodney here, The Common Man's official web lackey. I just had to take a break from my morning man meditation when I heard the news. I am so pleased to announce to you all that The Common Man.com has reached an important milestone. As of this morning, we've had 100 unique visitors come to read the wisdom of The Common Man. I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty good start considering that we've been doing this for about two weeks. I told the boss about it, and he seemed pleased. He may have even smiled. But don't tell him I told you, since, as he taught me, real men are stoic above all things.

Anyway, I'm sure he would want me to thank everyone who's visited so far and to encourage you to keep coming back every day for more new content and more deep insight into the mind of the ultimate man. And tell your friends, and neighbors, and neighbors friends and friends neighbors all about us...er, him.

The boss himself will be back this afternoon to deliver his review of Batman. I hope it's good. He won't let me see it before him, because he doesn't want to hear any spoilers, and I just can't stop my yammerin', as he told me yesterday (he wants to make me into the strong, silent type). Anyway, I'm going to get back to my meditation. Today, I'm contemplating an important question: If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it, how fast must the majestic, manly lumberjack who cut it down with one swing of his mighty axe have been to get far enough away?

Cranky

The Common Man is proud to introduce a new feature today, which was inspired by DirecTV's generous offer to provide The Common Man and the Uncommon Wife with Showtime and Starz free of charge for three months and by The Common Man's refusal to go to bed at a decent hour, dammit. <
For years, men have had to suffer through films like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and The Lake House, dragged to the local theatre or the drama aisle by well-meaning girlfriends and wives who just have to watch The Notebook or The Prince of Tides or Sweet Home Alabama. Then, sadly, men are forced to suffer through two hours of Ryan Gosling or Matthew McConaughey or some other McDreamy churn through some plot that any intelligent person already knows the ending to.

Frankly, The Common Man feels slightly ignored by the movie industry these days. Sure, men are typically attracted to the action movies with their big explosions, sexy dames, and choreographed fights. But, let's face it, the vast majority of these movies star Matt Damon, Orlando Bloom, or some other eye-candy to bring in the lady-type viewers. Even the new Batman movie (which The Common Man is going to see tomorrow, so don't give anything away please) is appealing to both genders. Christian Bale? Aaron Eckhardt? The Uncommon Wife can't wait to get to the theater.

No, guys need more movies just for them. Movies they don't have to share. Movies their wives and girlfriends will be embarrassed to admit seeing. And so, it is with great pleasure that The Common Man announces a new genre, the D*#k Flick. Movies for guys. Every so often, The Common Man will pop up to review a D*#k Flick, letting you know exactly what was so wonderful or terrible about it from the man's perspective. And now, to the impetus of today's column, the 2006 release, Crank.

Crank is either the single most self-aware action movie of all time or an hour-and-a-half tutorial on taking uppers. Jason Statham stars as Chev Chelios, an assassin for hire who's about to hang up his silencer for good in order to be with his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart). As you might expect, Chelios's bosses are less than amused at his decision and poison him with a chemical that is slowing his body down. To stay alive, Chelios must keep his adrenaline levels extremely high. To this end, he steals cars, drives through shopping malls, shoots at cops and criminals alike, has (very) public sex, takes cocaine, drinks an obscene amount of caffeine, terrorizes a hospital in an attempt to get a shot of epinephrine, and swears a lot (dropping an m-effer is known to tick your adrenaline levels up by 1-2%, apparently). Also, he remembers to stop and buy flowers for his girl. See, he's a sweet hitman on a rampage who kills anyone in his path.



Anyway, the film is essentially a live-action "Grand Theft Auto," to the point where the first scene is shot in first-person and the opening credits look like '80s video game graphics. Chelios careens through Los Angeles on a mission to kill the gangsters who have killed him with almost no resistance from law enforcement and no consequences. The film is an adrenaline-filled power-trip of male fantasies. That said, it never stops winking at the audience.

Frankly, the film is better than Statham deserves. Since bursting onto the Hollywood scene in the terrific 2000 film Snatch, Statham has made a career of starring in high-concept, high-action, low-brow, and low-effort action movies. He's the British, 21st century Sylvester Stallone. Seriously, his filmography is wall-to-wall adrenaline-pumping action movies, The One, The Transporter (1, 2, and, coming soon, 3), Cellular, Revolver, In the Name of the King, War, The Bank Job, and the upcoming releases Death Race (blatantly and shamefully reimagining the cult-classic Death Race 2000, which, of course, starred Sly Stallone) and Crank 2. Any lazy director looking around for an intimidating British anti-hero in the last 8 years has called Statham first, and he's been happy to oblige. His one moderate success was as part of an ensemble cast in the mediocre Mini-Cooper commercial, The Italian Job.

And it's not like this is a good movie. It's definitely not. But it revels in the fact that it's a bad movie. First time writers and directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor never let the film break character, cranking the action up to 11 (this one goes to 11) and refusing to back off as they hit and exceed all the typical extravagances of action movies. Explosions? Yes, so many things explode in this movie. Chase scenes? Definitely, through a crowded mall. And while receiving oral sex. Gratuitous sex? Absolutely. The aforementioned chase scene, and an absurd scene in which Statham and Smart are having sex up against a newspaper box, surrounded by cheering Chinese onlookers (some of whom are schoolgirls). All that and more. Blood and violence? Um, yes. Yes, there is. Severed hands, shots to the head, etc., etc.

As such, what could have been a mind-numbing experience turns into campy, hilarious fun. The film doesn't take itself at all seriously, and that's a good thing. The film gets serious points for its self-mockery and ridiculousness. It loses points for making me at all care what happens to Jason Statham.

So, in all, The Common Man would give this film 1 ball (2 being the highest you can go without being some kind of genetic freak). While an excellent movie for guys, it was not necessarily a good movie in general. It seemed more a glorification of the kind of violence that inhabits video games like Grand Theft Auto than a knowing condemnation of it. No one learns anything, least of all the audience, except that violence is awesome. If it could have bridged the gap to become satire, it would have gotten at least half a ball more. So now, excuse The Common Man. Not that he's influenced by popular culture or anything, but he's going to go snort an eight-ball and rob a bank.

Stupid Man Tricks

The world is seemingly getting busier every day. Suburbanization has only added to this burden, as The Art of Manliness points out, as people try to micromanage every aspect of their existence and keep up with the proverbial Joneses. What's more, suburbanization has taken more men (and women) further away from the home. Because of dreadful commutes that can last an hour or more each way, there is less time for family interaction. And if you have to bring work home with you, forget it. You might as well never see your children. This is not a uniquely American problem, as many families struggle to come together around the globe.

So it is in the spirit of family that The Common Man suggests using your time creatively. Multi-task. Do whatever you can to be with your children when you're home with your children, and your spouse when you're home with your spouse. After all, taking care of your family is the most manly thing that you can do. And if you need help thinking of ways to get more done during the day, here's one to get you started:



Now that is a dedicated father.

Ah-vah Akbar

The Common Man has a problem. It's The Boy. He loves the "ah-vah". He loves the vacuum cleaner.

The Common Man knows what you're thinking. "What's the big deal?" you wonder, "He's just a kid, and it's just a vacuum." But you don't understand. The Boy loves the vacuum. Any vacuum. All vacuums. And brooms. And mops. And rakes. And swiffers. If it cleans, he loves it.

It began, The Common Man believes, on a trip to Bah-bah (Grandpa)'s house. While The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife were checking out some pyramids and some statues and some Nile, The Boy was sequestered with his grandparents. Now, The Boy had always shown some interest in "ah-vah". He followed The Common Man around while he vacuumed, tried to play with the cord, and wondered at how the stem of the vacuum reclined and stood upright.

The Common Man has since discovered that, while his parents were away, The Boy convinced his bah-bah to give him rides on the vacuum. Up the hall. Down the hall. The Boy would ride on the base of the vacuum, while his grandfather pushed him. He would feel it vibrate and hear it churn beneath him.

So, when The Common Man returned, he found a child obsessed with that damn vacuum. He would point to it. He would cling to it. He would push it. When it wasn't visible, he would search for it, calling "ah-vah! ah-vah!" It became his solitary concern (other than food), and he was never happier than when he wrapped his fingers around the cord or the handle.

And so, tonight, when The Common Man got out ah-vah to vacuum the living room, The Boy's eyes glowed bright. For a moment, he stood back in awe, his face breaking into a grin. "Ahhhh-vahhhh!" he cried and ran toward it. The Common Man started the motor and The Boy stood back, confused as to why his friend did not want him to ride. And so, as The Common Man ran the vacuum up and down the carpet, The Boy went and got his toy ah-vah, which his father bought for him. The one with googly eyes and a big smile. And The Common Man and his son vacuumed the carpet together.

Now, you might think this was cute (and it was). But The Common Man is worried that The Boy's worship of this false idol may have drastic implications on the rest of his life. What if The Boy is simply too clean? What if he refuses to enter his parents' room because it is cluttered? What if he won't eat off a plate that hasn't been boiled first? What if the other kids make fun of him for being too neat? What if he becomes a neat-freak, like Julia Roberts's abusive, yuppie husband in Sleeping With the Enemy?


What if he ends up as Julia Roberts's husband in Sleeping With the Enemy? What if he grows that mustache??? And what if, when he grows that mustache, he looks like Jason Giambi?


What if he uses steroids??? Wait, is it better to be an abusive, controlling yuppie who tries to kill Julia Roberts or Jason Giambi, rocking the porn 'stache and injecting steroids in your butt? The Common Man is unsure; he's been listening to sports talk radio too much.

As you can see, The Common Man is a little irrational about this whole thing. Maybe he should find other, more important things to worry about. Like, hey, did you hear that Israel is going to attack Iran?

Knave

There are important, important things in America that this nation's leadership needs to be paying attention to. There is a two-fronted war (or perhaps there are two wars) being fought in the Middle East. The economy has struggled under the weight of high fuel prices, credit shortfalls and defaults, a weak dollar, and non-existant consumer confidence. The nation's ports still are not secure (nor are America's northern and southern borders for that matter). And, on top of everything, there's an election race going on that will determine the course of this nation for the foreseeable future.

With all that is going on, The Common Man wants to know just how the hell New York Congressman Peter King thinks he has the time to worry about what ads are going to be run on the New York City subway system that he will never ride on. Apparently, Muslim-American religious organizations are poised to purchase ad space on the trains as a way to promote awareness of their faith. The ads, according to CNN.com, are
"simple black-and-white panels, [and] will feature key words or phrases about Islam on one side of the panel such as 'Head Scarf?' or 'Prophet Muhammad?' and the words 'You deserve to know' along with the Web site address WhyIslam.org on the other side."

"I have no problem with the ad itself, but I have a very, very real problem with those behind it," King said. Noting that the ads would be up during the seventh anniversary of the September 11 attacks, he continued, "I'm calling on the MTA not to have these ads, not to go forward with them, and I don't see this as a free speech issue at all." The New York Post, with its usual sensitivity, has referred to the New York subway as the "Jihad Train," and has featured the headlines "Train-ing day for jihadists" and "Allah aboard!" Classy guys, the New York Post.

"I think that even more so reinforces the idea as to why a project like this is necessary, where Muslims have to be more pro-active in terms of educating people about their religion, by no means proselytizing the faith in any capacity, but really setting a standard and defining what mainstream Islam stands for," says New York University Imam Khalid Latif. Indeed, it seems that American Muslims are doing exactly what conservative pundit blowhards, such as Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have long demanded, getting the word out about Islam's peaceful, faithful, and virtuous majority and what they believe Islam stands for. It's typical for reactionaries like King and the Post to lambast them now for their positive, proactive efforts. The Common Man wonders if it really matters who is delivering the message, if the message is a positive one.

The Common Man urges Congressman King stop maligning positive people trying to make positive change. This country has enough trouble without fear-mongering, prejudiced opportunists such as yourself making ideological mountains out of molehills. Would the Congressman object to Catholics and Protestants advertising their faith in Northern Ireland? The Common Man sincerely doubts it. Get back in the hole you crawled out of, Congressman King. You're only hurting your party. It speaks ill of this nation's Dewmocracy that a man like you, a man who would prefer to use fear and innuendo instead of telling truths with calmness, prudence, and eloquence (The Common Man is relatively pleased with the relative maliness of the remaining Presidential candidates in '08), could win an election. A man like you, Congressman, is hardly a man at all.