Funny Business

Every day from here to there,
funny things are everywhere.
--Dr. Seuss

Manny Ramirez exited, stage left (pursued by a bear?), last week, banished for 50 games for testing positive for a banned substance. Naturally, the next day A-Rod makes his 2009 debut and hits the first pitch he sees for a three-run homerun. A-Rod, at this point, is a complete cartoon character and is seen as the ultimate villain in major league baseball today. If he could grow a mustache to twirl, he'd be perfect.

At the same time, given that he is almost universally reviled in the media right now, perhaps that can take some of the pressure off of what must be a simultaneously wonderful and horrifying life. Without worrying about pleasing everybody (because he seemingly can't please anybody), maybe A-Rod finally finds some peace. Sweet, oblivious peace.

Not that it should really matter to the Yankees, mind you. Last year, Rodriguez went through a nasty divorce and ugly tabloid rumors, and still had his best overall season since 2000.

Speaking of steroids and obliviousness, enjoy this clip of John Kruk saying that Manny Ramirez should be kicked off the Dodgers (Krukie goes off about a minute in). Meanwhile, has John Kruk ever addressed the rampant steroid use that was apparently a bedrock of his 1993 Phillies?


Meanwhile, Ramirez's replacement, Juan Pierre, has been making the most of his newfound playing time. Pierre has been a huge disappointment for the Dodgers since signing with them in 2007, and a feather in the cap of bloggers and pundits who chuckled and chided the Dodgers when they saw the 5 year, $45 million price tag he came with. But in the four games since Manny's departure, Pierre has gone 9-for-16, with a couple walks, a couple doubles, a couple stolen bases (though also a couple caught stealing), four runs scored, and four RBI. Yesterday, he scored or drove in 4 of Los Angeles' 5 runs in a 7-5 extra-inning loss to the Giants.

Pierre's hot streak comes at exactly the right time for him and the Dodgers. If Pierre can prove capable over the next fifty games, he and the Dodgers might just be able to sucker a contender with deep pockets to give up something of value for Pierre, especially if they view him as an option in centerfield. The White Sox and Yankees have already demonstrated unhappiness with their CF situation, and Pierre seems like just the kind of mistake they might make, if they're desperate in July.

As hot as Pierre's been, however, Zack Greinke's been hotter. Greinke lost his first game of the year on Saturday, proving that he is human. Indeed, all you have to do to beat Zack Greinke is hold the Royals to zero runs. Then, when he goes eight innings (for his 4th complete game), and gives up a single run (raising his ERA from 0.40 to 0.51), you can still hold your head high, after he retires 21 of the final 23 guys you send up against him. Yikes.


Also, Joe Saunders (who pitched the shutout that beat Greinke), you're pretty awesome with your 5-1 record and 2.66 ERA.

Finally, The Common Man has kept his pinko, leftist politics out of his blog for a while now, after discovering that far more readers were interested in baseball than in the other eclectic collection of topics The Common Man bounced within. So please indulge him for a moment as he expresses some admiration for this country's new President. Barack Obama, is there nothing he can't do?:

Political Animals

It's good to know that Republicans have tax problems as well. In September, The Washington Post reported that then Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin had billed her home state for nearly $17,000 in meals and living expenses, while choosing to live at home in Wasilla, rather than in the Governor's Mansion in Juneau. When the money caused some political drama in the campaign, Palin's administration asked the government's financial offices to treat the money as income. And because of this, the IRS is sending Palin a new W-2 and a letter instructing her to pay back taxes on the seventeen large. Palin spokesman Bill McAllister told CNN that Palin, "will abide by all IRS regulations and rulings and will pay what she owes. That number, though, is not a matter of public record." And he's right. It doesn't matter what the taxes are as long as they're paid, and it sounds like Palin's doing the right thing here (after doing the wrong thing before, but still...). It's just nice to know that the Democrats aren't alone.

Speaking of Palin, The Common Man wouldn't feel right if he didn't praise young Bristol Palin for her interview on Fox News the other day. Palin discussed her decision to have her son, emphasized that being a young mom can be a slog, and broke with her mother's support of abstinence-only education. Bristol told Van Sustren that simply telling children to refrain from sex is "not realistic at all." The interview was Bristol's idea, and she told her parents about it the day before it happened and that she wanted to use the opportunity to be "an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy because it's not, like, a situation that you would want to strive for, I guess." The most disappointing part of the interview was Sarah Palin's intrusion. Apparently not trusting her daughter to answer the softball questions Van Sustren was lobbing in there, Palin shows up a few minutes into the interview and proceeds to refuse to give her daughter any opportunity to answer the questions. Look, The Common Man knows that parents are inherently protective of their young. And he knows that the governor has (marginally) more experience dealing with the media than her daughter. But if you can't trust FoxNews, Sarah Palin, who can you trust? You ended up standing awkwardly in a hotel room for 10 minutes, rambling, while your poor daughter had to sit there thinking, "God, Mom, stop embarrassing me on national TV." And seriously, Bristol was doing fine before you came in and turned the interview into a train wreck. But your paranoid need for spin control turned what could have been a triumphant moment for your daughter into another funny Sarah Palin clip. Good job. Bristol, Grandma there's ready for the home.

See! The Common Man totally told you so.

But Travis wasn't the only monkey causing trouble in the last couple days. The New York Post ran a cartoon today (click this link to see it, The Common Man can't find it to reprint here) that may or may not have been referring to Barack Obama as a monkey. The cartoon tried to combine the runaway Stamford chimp story from yesterday (already The Common Man can tell you that this cartoon is in bad taste. Dude, a woman got her face half-torn off. You stay classy, NY Post.) with the federal stimulus bill championed and passed by Barack Obama. The Common Man is willing to give the Post a pass on the racism charges, assuming they meant that the stimulus bill was so bad it had to have been written by a team of trained monkeys. Rather, the Post is guilty of bad satire. The two stories seem to have nothing to do with one another, and it takes a significant amount of explanation to get from one to the other. The cartoon isn't inexcusable because it's racist. It's inexcusable because it's terrible and opaque. Seriously, even the New Yorker's cartoons make sense if you think about them. This one, the more you think about it, the less it makes any kind of logical sense. Which basically reinforces two of The Common Man's sweeping generalities that he's going to assume are true in any and all cases: conservatives are not funny and the New York Post is for idiots.

News News, Failing the Written, and Bad Hampster

The newspaper industry has been hemmoraging money in recent years, and even the most world-renouned periodicals are strapped. The New York Times is taking out a new mortgage on its building and getting into bed with shady Mexican bajillionaires. The Wall Street Journal has become a subsidiary of Rupert Murdoch's media empire. Papers everywhere are laying off reporters and cutting back on staff, and are relying even more heavily on wire services like the AP (ignoring the fact that AP's content is also available online, where the papers are getting their butts handed to them) at the expense of local coverage (in which local papers have a distinct advantage).

As newspapers get pwned by the internet, videos like this 1981 San Francisco news report are especially ironic, as they highlight the role that newspapers themselves have played in their own demise:




--But even as the newspaper industry sags and turns to them, the AP is having to slash its prices to compete with CNN's new wire service, and is looking for new sources of revenue. And like any great Scrooge, they're looking to profit from removing hope and joy from people's lives. For instance, CNN is reporting that the AP is claiming ownership over the iconic Hope campaign portrait of President Obama. AP's director of media relations, Paul Colford, announced “The Associated Press has determined that the photograph used in the poster is an AP photo and that its use required permission. AP safeguards its assets and looks at these events on a case-by-case basis. We have reached out to [Los Angeles street artist Shepard] Fairey's attorney and are in discussions. We hope for an amicable solution." The painting has generated significant revenue since its creation, but Fairley claims to have received none of it, as he donated the image to the campaign.

The Common Man isn't smart enough to know whether Fairley's image violated copyright law or not. If the image was significantly altered, or Fairley's work was only based on the photo (and isn't a copy of the photo), it may fall under the doctrine of fair use. It will be interesting to see whether AP is successful in its negotiation, particularly since it does not appear that they will be able to get anything out of the original artist (blood from a stone, and all that). Someone with a law degree should chime in on this.

--But it's not as thought the AP is a bad thing. Without the AP, for instance, The Common Man wouldn't know about Cha, the 68-year old South Korean woman who has failed her written driving exam 771 times, spending more than $3000 in application fees over the past two years. The exam requires a score of 60 to pass, but the highest Cha has gotten is 50, but she keeps plugging along, returning day after day, week after week, and month after month to take the test again and hopefully get the chance to take her road test. Look, The Common Man admires perserverance, and thinks it a noble trait that should be lauded. But Cha, dear, sometimes it's simply best to let things slide. At this point, it's fair to conclude that God never wanted you to drive a car, and move on. The Common Man's advice is to become the best damn bicyclist you can be. You haven't come particularly close to passing and, frankly, if you can't pass the written The Common Man fears what may happen if you ever do get behind the wheel.



--And finally, while The Common Man despises racial profiling in all of its manifestations, he doesn't mind discriminating on the basis of species. So, if you find yourself in trouble with John Law in the future, just tell them the hampster did it:

Early Returns

You know, with a hold on both houses of Congress and a ridiculously popular President in the White House, The Common Man thought Democrats would savor their victory for, oh, say a full month before they went and ruined it. But wouldn't you know, they are a bunch of overachievers. So today, Democrats are getting to deal with, not one, but two Obama nominees dropping out for IRS-related problems and Elizabeth Edwards announcing she's releasing a book that will discuss how she handled all the terrible news she's gotten in her life (like how her husband cheated on her with a campaign worker while she had cancer).

Former Senator Tom Daschle has been battling the news that he mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) did not pay more than $130,000 in income taxes over a three year period since accepting Barack Obama's nomination to head up the Department of Health and Human Services. Not wanting to be a distraction (and clearly not realizing that his glasses were already providing one), Daschle withdrew today. And Nancy Killefer, the nominee to become chief performance officer (whatever the hell that is) also withdrew from consideration for having a $950 lien against her house. This, of course, comes a few weeks after Timothy Geithner, Obama's pick for Treasury Secretary, was grilled by Senators for shorting the IRS of almost $26,000. At this point, it's fair to wonder if any Democrats have paid their taxes.

As a general rule, The Common Man has no problem with being taxed. Despite what crazy libertarian types will tell you, taxes are absolutely necessary to provide valuable services, promote responsible economic and scientific growth (though that hasn't gone so well lately), keep the roads in good shape, defend the populace, and pay for a totally awesome inauguration last month. But he'd appreciate it if those who were levying the taxes against the rest of the population would take care to, you know, pay the taxes they ask everyone else to. Don't any of you people use H&R Block???

At least President Obama has been appropriately contrite about his decision. "I think I screwed up," the President told CNN's Anderson Cooper. "I don't want to send a message to the American people that there are two sets of standards -- one for powerful people and one for ordinary folks who are working every day and paying their taxes." His attitude is a welcome change from the Bush administration, who would stubbornly insist for six months on pushing forward with the nomination as the right thing to do, act insulted when the media put forth honest questions and concerns about the nominee, then four years from now some member of his inner circle would write a book about how wrong the President was.

But at least these are relatively clean scandals. Making an error on your taxes is stupid, and not good for someone who needs to be embroiled in and aware of all the details of a massive bureaucracy, but it's not like prominent Democrats were rolling around in the hay with campaign workers again. Which is why today's news that Elizabeth Edwards is going to release her book, Resilience, next May, reminding everyone of just how big a scumbag her husband has been, is particularly disappointing. See, The Common Man, having properly castigated the former Senator and Vice-Presidential nominee back in August, was all set to let Edwards ride off into the sunset andnever bother anyone other than his wife ever again. And now, today of all days, Elizabeth has pulled him back into the public spotlight, a dirty reminder of Democratic sins past.

Then again, The Common Man supposes that eight years of scandals with Democrats in power beats eight uneventful years with more of increasingly shrill and marginalized Republican Party.

Strangeness Afoot

Strange stories everywhere yesterday, it seems.

--First and most importantly, the great national non-crisis spawned by Chief Justice Roberts' and President Obama's attempt to rewrite the Presidential oath has been resolved. Roberts, of course, misplaced the word "faithfully" in the oath on Tuesday, turning the Constitutionally ok "I will faithfully execute the office of president to the United States" into Constitutionally dubious "I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully." Obama, after some confusion, followed suit, and The Common Man speculated in several forums (including to The Uncommon Wife, who rolled her eyes) that Roberts had done it on purpose, since Obama had not voted to confirm him. Yesterday, under the cover of broad daylight, Roberts was summoned to the White House on the advice of White House counsel Greg Craig (thanks, mom and dad, for the rhyming name, you guys are awesome) to readminister the oath and put any doubts to bed about who really runs the show.


--In other fun news, perpetual humbug Rush Limbaugh has catapulted himself back into the limelight by publicly hoping for Barack Obama to fail in his attempt to solve the economic crisis:



Yet, Obama's failure would be America's failure, would it not? Millions of Americans out of work? Millions of Americans forced from their homes? Billions of dollars gone, with no hope of recovery? That's all fine with Limbaugh, as long as his precious ideology, which has failed so spectacularly in practice, remains unmolested. What a child he is.

--George Mitchell, whose name The Common Man keeps mentioning in connection to some report on steroids or other, is back in the news today, as Barack Obama has named him to lead a special envoy to the Middle East. Mitchell, aside from providing political cover to extortionists, was the Senate Majority Leader from 1989 to 1995 and has been generally praised for his efforts to bring peace to Israel in the past. He is, however, a graduate of Bowdoin College, so how good can he really be? Also, if he handles his job this time around anything like how he handled baseball's steroid scandal, the fighting will continue to rage, but the rest of America will stop paying attention to it.

--Finally, yesterday, troubling news surfaced that should concern real men everywhere. According to this CNN report, there is a drastic shortage of buffalo wings:



Rising prices? Fewer wings on the market? Color The Common Man concerned. Now is definitely the time to start a poultry farm, it seems. Look, The Common Man doesn't care who you are or from what walk of life you are from. If you have two X chromasomes (XY chromosomes, The Common Man forgot his biology and his spellcheck at home, thanks to Michael Albert for ihs ehlp) and you don't like buffalo wings, there is something seriously wrong with you. The Common Man likes him some buffalo wings, he can tell you that. The hotter the better. And there is no better place to get them than this place. One bite of their delicious and spicy Bonfire wings made The Common Man weep for joy. They had a perfect blend of flavor and kick that was augmented by a smattering of chopped jalapenos. The Common Man can handle the hottest of the hot, but if he can get a wing that satisfies his burning desire for burning and his tongue's desire for deliciousness, he jumps at the opportunity. The thought of all that wing sauce and no wings to pour it on makes The Common Man weep for an entirely different reason. Chickens, reproduce faster. Feel free to list your favorite places for wings in the comments below. Also, have the prices gone up lately?

Plumbing New Depths

Seriously, what does The Common Man have to do to get Joe the Plumber to go away. Whatever it is, The Common Man will do it. Can he give some kind of donation? Blood perhaps (The Common Man gives blood quickly and efficiently, pumping out a pint in under eight minutes, and is unafraid of needles)? A kidney? Can The Common Man bribe someone? He'd plant a salacious and discrediting story about Joe, but a) it seems the man is addicted to attention and will regard that as a positive development and b) then The Common Man will have to endure multiple news cycles during which breathless anchors wonder why Joe the Plumber likes to hire prostitutes, have them dress in bakers' hats and aprons, and smack him with rolling pins. And frankly, The Common Man can't take it. Especially not after the Vikings' miserable performance on Sunday (it takes a while to get over a 4th quarter like that).


The Common Man made it clear before that he thought Joe was a raging moron, whose time in the spotlight needed to end (really, for the whole country's sake). But now, some desperate for attention media outlet, Pajamas Media, is sending Wurzelbacher to Israel to report (and undoubtedly solve) the fighting in the Gaza Strip. With his trademark eloquence, Joe has weighed in on the crisis, telling CNN, "It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do.”

Sure, it's dangerous work going over there (covering the war from the Israeli side of the border, where there is no actual fighting going on), but Joe is heroically braving the 1/1,000,000 chance a bomb (thankfully) lands on his bald pate, saying "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance." Well, all The Common Man can say is God bless you, Joe. Get as close to the fighting as you want.

Meanwhile, as Joe clings to his flagging fame by his fingernails, opportunistic politicians and media organizations will continue to attempt to Pretty Woman (or Pygmalion, if you snobs prefer) him up, making a Congressional bid likelier and likelier. The Common Man figures that election officials won't let Joe go by "the Plumber" on the ballot, so it's only a matter of time before he changes his surname.


When three of the four most visible Republicans are George Bush, Sarah Palin, and Joe the Plumber, what does that say about that political party? If this were a baseball team, how long would it realistically take to rebuild?

Tangential Politics

The Common Man has been following the machinations of Governor Rod Blagojevich, Senator Harry Reid, and prospective-Senator Roland Burris over the past few weeks with increasing dismay and wonderment. Reid and Senate Democrats have painted themselves into a corner by flatly announcing they would refuse to seat anyone appointed by the allegedly crooked governor of Illinois. Most legal opinion seems to suggest that Reid and his colleagues have no legal right to block Burris from being seated, and that Blagojevich was entirely within his legal rights to appoint him (ethically, he probably shouldn't, but it doesn't sound as though Gov. Blagojevich has much use for pesky ethics). And now, Democrats will look weak as they are forced to allow Burress into the most exclusive club in the nation.

Don't get The Common Man wrong, bluster and machismo is an important part of being a man, but when that machismo and bluster can't be backed up with action, you're better off accepting and admitting your limitations and taking whatever actions are within your power (such as not allowing Burres to caucus with the Democrats; which, in hindsight, would have been a good solution as they appear constrained but tough, and they still get Burris's votes on a great deal of issues important to Democrats).

Meanwhile, Burris has been touting himself to the press as a legitimate appointee (and, indeed, his resume suggests that he is). But The Common Man's favorite part of this entire brouhaha has been learning that Burris has named both his son (Roland II) and his daughter (Rolanda) after himself (you know by now of The Common Man's hatred of parents who give their children names for dumb reasons). And that he already has purchased a mausoleum and listed his accomplishments on the side (with room for more), on which is inscribed in large letters "Trailblazer" (The Common Man wonders what Clyde Drexler's going to do now). The hubris and narcisism of this guy just seems staggering, regardless of his qualifications.

Anyway, Barack Obama and his transition team have been smart to stay away from this controversy as much as possible. Obama has largely stayed out of the debate surrounding Burres and Blagojevich, and has restricted his comments (and has refrained from spending his political capital) on issues over which he has little control at this point (such as the war raging in the Gaza at the moment). Meanwhile, where his words and desires will have a strong effect (such as on the economic crisis), Obama has been outspoken and often driven the financial markets.

Likewise, Obama has been marshalling forces and support for his first days in office. In choosing former rivals as well as allies, Obama has garnered additional praise and adulation where no one expected it (moderate Republicans, Clinton Democrats, etc.), strengthening his position for the coming days when he will have to make important decisions and will need his allies to fall into line.

And it's in this vein, presumably, that Obama has asked Pastor Rick Warren to provide the invocation. Many Democrats and progressives were disappointed (and/or livid) about Warren's selection, decrying Warren's anti-gay, anti-evolution, and anti-abortion social stances as evidence that the man is a right-wing, Gary Bauer-esque nutjob. And perhaps he is. And perhaps certain wings of the Democratic party have good reason to be upset. Nevertheless, Obama's strategy here is brilliant, for he understands that setting up a government is not the same as governing effectively.

To effectively govern, to wield the power of his office in a way that will be meaningful and helpful, especially in the middle of multiple crises, Obama will need broad support from both parties and from a large and multi-faceted coalition of groups. It will not be enough to issue Presidential edicts and proclamations like George Bush did without gauging and relying on public support. The changes necessitated by the current economic and political situations around the globe require significant flexibility and muscle to implement, and Barack Obama is positioning himself to do just that. Those who want a government for and by the political Left should remember what the last eight years in the political wilderness have been like for them (and see how ineffective this president was without broad support), and ask themselves whether they would like to have a liberal President or an effective President who happens to be liberal.

Now, how exactly did The Common Man end up here?

Note: Some idiotic spellings of names have been since corrected. That's what The Common Man gets for trying to multi-task.

The Fork In the Road

At once rudderless and without a captain, the mega-luxury yacht that is the Republican Party has been awkwardly careening about the unending sea in recent years. Not confident in the Washington-based party leadership, rank-and-file members from state delegations have apparently scheduled a meeting on January 7th to get the party back on track. According to The Hill.com, "For the first time in party history, members of the Republican National Committee have called their own unscheduled meeting without the aid of the Washington-based party apparatus."

The Committee, according to The Hill, will be meeting to give candidates for the party's chairmanship a forum to speak and to persuade members that they have found a way out of the political wilderness and can lead the party back to respectability and relevance.

The Common Man wonders what kind of Republican leadership is going to come out of this meeting. At this point, you'd think the GOP would have nowhere to go but up, after bottoming out again in national elections and failing miserably to attract independents and moderates in the November general. However, one candidate for the chairmanship is already working hard to drag his party down even further.

Chip Saltsman, former campaign head for Gov. Mike Huckabee's Presidential bid, has compiled a greatest hits CD, called "We Hate the U.S.A.", and sent it around to other committee members as a Christmas present. Among the songs on the "album" were "John Edwards' Poverty Tour," "Wright place, wrong pastor," "Love Client #9," "Ivory and Ebony" and "The Star Spanglish Banner." The big hit single, however, was "Barack the Magic Negro," which poked fun at the media coverage surrounding the President-elect and his campaign.


Saltsman has received justified criticism for the lamest mix-tape of all time, particularly from his own party. Other candidates for the position have called it irresponsible and inappropriate. Current chairman Mike Duncan, who is battling Saltsman and others for the job, aptly pointed out that "the 2008 election was a wake-up call for Republicans to reach out and bring more people into our party. I am shocked and appalled that anyone would think this is appropriate as it clearly does not move us in the right direction."

Saltsman has defended his "gift," telling CNN, "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it. I think RNC members understand that." Perhaps they do, and perhaps they don't (Republican talking heads have been quick to condemn liberal satire as inappropriate, ignorant, and mean-spirited, even when it's so freaking awesome). But what Saltsman's failed to grasp is that he is not a comedian, nor is he trying to be. Rather, he's trying to become one of the most visible and influential leaders of one the most powerful organizations in the United States. And that America's leaders are expected to maintain a higher standard of tact when it comes to what they say and do. They must leave the satire to others and behave in a manner consistent with their job (or the job they want to have). Saltsman's gaffe only highlights that he's a rank amateur with no sense of how his actions will be interpreted by potential voters.

RNC Online Communications Manager James Richardson, who also spoke out against Saltsman, said it best, "Sending a CD with those lyrics shortly after electing the first African American President – one supported by nearly 97% of the African American community – shows a serious lack of judgment, tact, and the necessary level of racial sensitivity expected of public officials."

So while Saltsman has clearly taken himself out of the running for the position, his mistake highlights the most interesting aspect of this upcoming decision for the members of the Republican Party. Will they revert back to the Limbaugh-esque name calling and reactionary attacks that Americans clearly repudiated in rejecting John McCain and supporting Barack Obama? Will they be the same old Old Angry White Male party of the 1990s? (In which case, The Common Man thinks it will be a while before Republicans find their way back.) Or will they acknowledge America's shifting politics and demographics, and choose a leader who can inspire, organize, and modernize like Obama and Dean have for the Democrats? And if they do make that tough choice, to reject the politics of the Chip Saltsmans of the party (seriously, is there even ONE decent person in the world named Chip? The Common Man thinks not) what will the Republican Party look like four years from now?

A Clown to the Left of Me, A Joker to the Right...

Will someone please tell Joe the Plumber to shut up? Good gravy, Chris Crocker hasn't gotten this much undeserved media attention. What did the man do? He asked Barack Obama a question on the street. Obama deftly and patiently explained how his middle-income tax credit would save Joe money. John McCain uses Joe as an example in one of the debates, and Joe, smelling his chance at the brass ring, embraces the opportunity by saying he didn't trust Obama's answer and going on the campaign trail for John McCain.



On the trail, Joe paid back the McCain camplaign by agreeing that "a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel" and by not showing up at campaign events at which he was scheduled to appear (which led to this wonderful video). Since doing nothing to help his candidate win, Joe has been linked to a book deal and a potential Congressional bid. And this week, Joe has again decided to show off just how much of a boob he can be, telling douchebag Glen Beck,

"When I was on the bus with [John McCain], I asked him a lot of questions about the bailout because most Americans didn’t want it to happen - yet he voted for it. At the same time he’s talking about making someone famous if they even think about putting pork in the bill. We all know how much pork was in the $700 billion bailout package. Why did he vote for it? I asked him pretty direct questions, and some of the answers you guys are going to receive … they appalled me. I was angry. I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Joe's welcome to his opinion, of course, but The Common Man simply does not understand why anyone cares. This man has done nothing but demonstrate his lack of restraint and his ignorance since coming into promenence. How he could have any newsworthy truths to reveal about the political process or about life in general frankly baffles The Common Man. Who really cares what this fool thinks about John McCain, Sarah Palin, the bailout, gay marriage, or any one of a hundred issues for which he is unqualified to comment intelligently? As the recent election demonstrated, Joe is not exactly a bellweather for determining how the American people are thinking.

Does returning Joe to his normal plumber's life really do much to change the world today? Would it make this country's future any better? Maybe not. But maybe it's wrong to intimate that Joe speaks for "regular" Americans (whatever that means), whether you are lionizing those Americans or making fun of them. For that lends credence to what he is saying, and only does an injustice to lower-middle to middle class Americans who are struggling through today's economic crisis. It reduces them to a cliche, a caricature, and a punchline. And, of course, shutting Joe up would just make The Common Man feel better.

Of course, the problems associated with Joe the Plumber are nothing compared to the apalling scandal out of Illinois, where Gov. Blagojevich has been indicted on several charges stemming from egregious acts of political corruption, including trying to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat. Now this is a man who has truly done something that should make him famous. The name Blagojevich should echo through the halls of government as an example to those who would sell out their constituents. It won't, of course; politicians are notoriously confident in their own abilities to cover up their wrong-doing, and no one wants to remember a name like Blagojevich anyway. Within a year, he will be Governor What's-his-face or Prisoner 9938493.

There's nothing more to say, really, about Blagojevich that hasn't been said by comedians, pundits, and the larger media. The man is a scumbag who has dishonored himself, his family, and his state. He leaves behind a stained office and a significant obstacle for future governors to overcome, namely the distrust the public has for its elected official. It's remarkable that, today, so beloved a national figure rose in the same political system that spawned the likes of Blagojevich and his cronies. One wonders how Obama escaped relatively unscathed.

Signage

A troubling story out of Olympia, Washington highlights one of the real disappointing aspects of American culture and politics today.

In protest of a nativity scene on Capitol grounds, atheists in Olympia, Washington, put up an obnoxious sign celebrating the winter solstice and actively dumping on the religion of every single person who does not believe what they do. As you can read, the sign celebrates the winter solstice (Fine, you want to celebrate a winter holiday, that's OK with The Common Man, though it should probably be pointed out that the solstice was used as a holiday for early religions for countless years before you decided it was a secular day.), while calling religion "myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds." Dan Barker, the founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation (who put up the sign), despite his sign's cartoonishly ridiculous hyperbole, said "It's not that we are trying to coerce anyone; in a way our sign is a signal of protest. If there can be a Nativity scene saying that we are all going to hell if we don't bow down to Jesus, we should be at the table to share our views." Later, he commented, "When people ask us, 'Why are you hateful? Why are you putting up something critical of people's holidays? -- we respond that we kind of feel that the Christian message is the hate message. On that Nativity scene, there is this threat of internal violence if we don't submit to that master. Hate speech goes both ways." Reports indicate that, amazingly, he said this without a hint of irony. There is a threat of internal violence emenating from every single depiction of a cute little baby boy lying in a manger with his mother, father/Joseph, and ox and sheep. That ox, man, he's an intimidating bastard.

Look, The Common Man has no problem with atheists. He does not understand them, as he thinks atheism is the antithesis of logical thought, but he hopes that atheists would provide him the same respect for choosing to be Catholic as he has for their beliefs (or non-beliefs). But often today, The Common Man has been befuddled by the growing phenomenon of evangelized atheists, who see it as their mission to spread their non-religion as obnoxiously as possible. Christopher Hitchens, of course, is the most visible face of this movement, but Barker and his organization appear to be fighting the same battle, using the same in-your-face, belittling, and, frankly, mean tactics. It's not that religions themselves have not been guilty of the same behavior in the past (and present), just that it is sad to see any group casually and cruelly dismiss the beliefs of another.

The story of the atheist sign, however, continues, as it was stolen from the Legislative Building less than an hour after it was put up. After some time, it was found in a ditch and dropped off at a local radio station. There is no word, of course, about the religious views of the thief (though The Common Man is sure you can guess) who violated the eighth comandment, but this kind of childish display is just as bad as the taunting of the atheists, and only does nothing to soften the debate.

Two weeks ago, Nate Silver at Fivethirtyeight.com wrote that he thought Republicans lost the election this year because, in part, they have forgotten how to persuade. The rise of talk radio, according to Silver, has fooled conservatives into believing that stimulation is the same as persuasion, "almost uniquely to radio, most of the audience is not even paying attention to you, because most people listen to radio when they're in the process of doing something else. (If they weren't doing something else, they'd be watching TV). They are driving, mowing the lawn, washing the dishes -- and you have to work really hard to sustain their attention. Hence what [David Foster] Wallace refers to as the importance of "stimulating" the listener." Silver goes on to argue that the McCain campaign focused on stimulation rather than persuasion, mistaking creating a spectacle for converting hearts and minds.

Silver's theory certainly sounds plausible to The Common Man, but The Common Man would humbly suggest that conservatives are not the only group who has forgotten how to persuade. Indeed, Americans seem to have become so enamoured of the shrill, incoherent simultaneous back-and-forth that they hear on radio and see on television that they have begun to accept provoking a response to be the same thing as persuading an audience to agree with their position. Persuasion is a manly art, one that seems to be rapidly wasting away. The Common Man hopes that the recent success by the Obama campaign to win over reluctant voters inspires other groups to attempt dialogue, rather than shallow, showy, but ultimately counter-productive displays like the ones above.

The Common Man Givith...

It has never happened before, but in light of recent events, The Common Man is forced to strip the television executives in charge of the Sunny Side Up Show on Sprout TV of their hard-won Beacon of Manhood. It's not that they have done anything wrong necessarily. Kelly is still bubbly and adorable, and the show still entertains The Boy. But someone far more deserving has come to The Common Man's attention, such that he is unable to justify selfishly awarding the Beacon to a bunch of soulless TV execs who cast a hot girl for their morning program.

Who could have the pull to so drastically alter The Common Man's plans? His name is Earl Stafford. If you haven't heard of him before now, that's ok. He's not a famous man. And he hasn't done anything earth-shattering like curing a disease or inventing the flying car. No, his claim to manliness is far more humble. He's just a wonderfully generous man.

According to CNN.com, Stafford "has spent $1 million to give hundreds of poverty-stricken and terminally ill Americans, along with wounded men and women in uniform, an inauguration experience that would ordinarily run each of them thousands of dollars or more." Stafford's plans for his guests include "high-end hotel rooms and luxury suites, food and drink, a (heated) viewing spot right above the parade route, even gowns and tuxedos to wear to celebratory balls, and a beautician to help [them] get ready for it." He is also prepared to lay out another $600,000 to pay for meals and private balls for those he is bringing to Washington.

Why? Stafford told the Washington Post,

"We wanted to...bless those who otherwise wouldn't have an opportunity to be a part of the great celebration, the inauguration and the festivities. Our objective is to bring in a cross-section of society — those who are distressed, those who are terminally ill, those who are socially and economically disadvantaged, those veterans who are wounded and served our country.... We've gotten away from those core values that made America great. We just need to get back to caring about one another."

Barack Obama's inauguration is "a transition in history, if you will...and everyone should be included."

Look, professional douchebags like Sean Hannity have done a lot to pervert what the phrase "great American," in the last few years, as though what you believe is a far greater criteria than what you do. Stafford, through his generosity, his patriotism, and his good will is the perfect embodiment of what Americanism and masculinity should be. Good job, Earl Stafford. You sir, are a great American as well as a great man. And, if you have a couple extras, could you send a couple tickets The Common Man's way?

The Waiting Game

The Uncommon Wife has left The Common Man all alone with The Boy for the rest of the week, while she flies out to NYC to visit The Brother-in-law. Faced with complete, utter freedom from womanly ways, The Common Man tried to figure out how to have the manliest time possible and to impart manly wisdom to The Boy before he turns two next week. As is typical, The Common Man tired of thinking around the 30 second mark, and decided instead to take the boy back to Minnesota to, again, visit his grandparents.



Like The Common Man, it seems as though the United States Congress does not want to think long and hard about the problems facing the nation's economy these days. Today, before House Committees, Treasury Secretary Harry Paulson and FED Chairman Ben Bernanke tried to quiet panicky lawmakers who claimed that the banking bailout plan, approved in September, was not working. Since originally receiving the ok to use government funds to buy up at-risk mortgage debt, Paulson has shifted strategies and used the money to infuse $158 billion in cash into troubled banks. Paulson defended his strategy, saying, "When the facts changed and the circumstances [surrounding the financial crisis] changed, we changed the strategy. We didn't implement a flawed strategy. We implemented a strategy that worked." Yet critics are still worried that Paulson's strategy has not yet freed the wheels of the frozen credit market.

While lawmakers are right to closely watch how Americans' money is being spent by Paulson, The Common Man again hopes (once again) that everyone can just take a deep breath here. After all, how long did it take for this crisis to develop? Years, perhaps a decade or more. The pressure has been building for a long while for sure. To be up in arms because the proposed solution hasn't been an unparalleled success within two months is either a) impatient and moronic or b) blatantly opportunistic, using the crisis as a smokescreen to further shift blame for the meltdown onto an unpopular and ineffective lame-duck president who has next to no political capital at this point.

As for Paulson's apparent shift in strategy, The Common Man doesn't claim to be smart enough to know whether his new tactic will be a success or not. The Common Man is not an economist, nor does he have a lot of experience with macroeconomics (sorry Grandpa, only now does The Common Man see the folly of not taking that Econ course, as you suggested). But he does know that when financial systems are this unhealthy, like a patient recovering in ICU, they will take some time get back to normal. And lingering symptoms of whatever disease made them sick may be felt for some time, no matter how good the doctor treating it is. And given how slowly Congress can move and how rapidly the financial crisis may shift in composition and tenor, perhaps its best that Paulson have the flexibility to shift gears when he needs to, rather than waiting for approval to do so.

So sit back, America. Just hold off on the panic a little longer. The Common Man knows your portfolios are hurting (his is too). And he knows that there are still some tough times ahead. But for God's sake, don't shout blindly to the rafters that the roof is falling while Paulson works hard to prop it up. Show some restraint. Show some backbone. And show some manly fortitude. Wait and see what this this strategy can do before you come to bury it.

Hello...Newman

Since this past Easter, The Common Man has officially been Catholic (as opposed to a virtually Catholic, which is a little like being "near-beer" in that you get the same beer-belly of guilt but none of the benefits of consumption, such as beer buzz, the feeling of invincibility, and the miraculous ability to eat an entire pizza and a plate of cheese-fries at 3 AM). And he's proud to be Catholic. But before he became Catholic, stories like this kept The Common Man and the Church at arm's length from one another.

According to the Associated Press, a Greenville, SC priest, Jay Scott Newman, sent a letter around to his parishioners, telling them that they must do penance before receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama. Newman, obviously forgetting Kang's short-lived campaign slogan "Abortions for all!" (which he and his campaign team quickly changed to "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!") claims that Obama is "the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." He went on to say,

Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil, and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ's Church and under the judgment of divine law. Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation.

What The Common Man has learned, however, is that while Newman is being terribly narrow-minded and dead wrong about the tenor of an Obama administration and the relative merits of an Obama presidency versus a McCain one (certainly a vote for John McCain would have violated one or several Catholic tenets), he is an outlier within the church. Already, his own diocese has contradicted the priest, saying "Father Newman's statements do not adequately reflect the Catholic Church's teachings. Any comments or statements to the contrary are repudiated." Indeed, whenever a priest goes off the reservation and says something ridiculous, it seems as though it gets picked up in the mainstream press. Meanwhile, obscure protestant bigots around the country are allowed to say what they will without media attention.

The Common Man doesn't know where the fascination with Catholocism and the Catholic priesthood has come from, and why the media's obsession with the laity is largely focused on Catholics. Perhaps it has roots in a 19th and early 20th Century anti-immigrant backlash that mythologized the Pope and popularized the idea that Catholics were somehow subserviant to the whims of the pontiff, like the orders of a Catholic George III. Or maybe it's that Catholics, for all their success in this country, are still a minority (though a growing and not a very marginalized one). Or maybe it's the Latin. Or the incense. Or the pretty robes. It doesn't matter. The Common Man doesn't necessarily need the media's hyper-focus on Catholocism to be rectified (because all powerful organizations should be watched and questioned), but wishes that others were subject to the same level of scrutiny.

Meanwhile, American bishops have indeed been active in drumming up support for the anti-abortion movement. Last Tuesday, according to the AP, "the nation's Catholic bishops vowed...to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights." The Common Man hopes they do, and that their efforts bring about some kind of consensus between them and Barack Obama. Indeed, while reasonable people can and do disagree on the issue of abortion, surely all can agree that it would be better for everyone involved if there were fewer of them. And perhaps by working together, instead of throwing around heated rhetoric, these disparate groups can come together to promote more comprehensive and useful sexual education and to better educate parents on how to keep their children from having unplanned pregnancies. Anyway, that's what the Obama-supporting The Common Man is going to pray for before he takes Communion on Sunday.

8 x 2

The Common Man is still up in arms over this country's continued refusal to provide equal rights for its gay citizens. Today, in the comments of The Common Man's Prop. 8 entry, a new commenter, Erasmus, asks an important question, the answer to which is essential to defusing the Pro Prop 8 propoganda. While The Common Man sought to answer him in the comments section, the response ended up being far too long. So, The Common Man reprints Erasmus's question here, and offers his reply.

Sorry for the lateness of the response. I don't read the Common Man as often as I should. Without comment on either, it occurs to me that the argument in favor of gay marriage is identical to the argument in favor of polygamy. Does the Common Man draw the line anywhere on the consenting adults union continuum? Yes I appreciate the irony that most polygamists are against gay marriage. :)

Your tardiness is excused, Erasmus, provided you are dutiful in checking in in the future. Dissent here is welcome, and The Common Man appreciates your input.

That said, you're comparing apples to oranges. Indeed, the argument for polygamy is typically a numbers-based dispute, while the gay marriage issue is simply one of fairness and equal opportunity. Even if you believe in polygamy, you can be married to the person you choose (just not to more than one person). If you are gay, however, you cannot.

Also, Erasmus, Prop 8 was an action of the state and people of California. This is significant because when a state hands out rights, it cannot (or at least should not) selectively deny them for specific subgroups of people. It's not "Congress shall establish no law prohibiting the freedom of speech except for left-handed people, who should just shut the Hell up and be grateful that they get scissors and notebooks that cater to their backwards ways." The promise of America is that everyone should have the same basic opportunities, and that what they do with those opportunities is up to them. California, and those who oppose gay marriage deny opportunity to a category of humanity, and that's not right.

The Common Man does draw the line on the consenting adults continuity, Erasmus. Be clear, the problem with polygamy in this country (and around the world) is that it has led to an exploitive and predatory patriarchy that has abused and neglected women and kept them in perpetual servitude. And it has, in its insane and out of control need for more brides, resorted to preying on young girls to fill that need. So it is in the government's interest, and the public's, to make sure that half of its citizens aren't subjected to the lunacy of the Warren Jeffs compounds.

In general, however, The Common Man believes that legality should have little to do with spirituality. If, a la Big Love, three women want to live with one man who is committed to supporting them all and raising their kids, that's ultimately not The Common Man's business (so long as the women aren't being exploited; there's a difference between being a polygamist and being an asshole), anymore than it's The Common Man's business that a young boy lives at home with his mother, father, sister, Uncle Fester, Grandpa Munster, Aunt Clara, and mom's best friend from high school who just left her husband and needs a place to stay for a while.


In fact, The Common Man knows some de facto polygamists (though not actually married, as far as he knows), who he finds intelligent, self-assured, and generally pleasant (and who did not have, nor want, any children). Weird people, very very weird, but kind. The Common Man may not like it, may not agree with it, and may generally find it perplexing (The Common Man has enough trouble catering to the whims of one wife, thank you), but it's ultimately not his place to get angry about it. They are all happy and their arrangement in no way interferes with the sanctity and efficacy of his own marriage. In the same way that allowing gay people to marry one another has absolutely no effect on The Common Man's marriage to The Uncommon Wife.

The Perils of Facebook

Damn it all, The Common Man was all set to talk about pop culture today (in the form of a What You Should Have Been Watching), when two of his favorite other topics converged in the person of Buck Burnette, the former backup center for the University of Texas Longhorns. Now, football and politics are both good and manly topics. However, like pickled eggs and baby back ribs, the combination thereof only spells trouble in both the near and long term.

In this case, in the wake of Barack Obama's impressive victory on Tuesday night, Burnette changed his facebook status to "all the hunters gather up, we have a #$%&er in the whitehouse." Upon learning about it, UT coach Mack Brown immediately kicked Burnette off the team for a "violation of team rules." Given that Burnette has to practice against any number of premiere defensive linemen who are African-Americans, Brown's decision not only sends a strong message that hate and racism won't be tolerated by the Longhorns and protects Burnette's health.

Where someone gets the notion that this kind of vitriol is acceptable to think, let alone express, is beyond The Common Man. As if Barack Obama were not already a target of hate groups and nutjobs, this kind of idiocy only highlights that racist attitudes have been internalized and normalized in virtually every culture and subculture in the U.S. Every region and every walk of life. Fortunately, the public attention that Burnette's post has generated is an opportunity to highlight and combat these racist attitudes.

As for Burnette, he has been contrite. On his Facebook site, he wrote

"Clearly I have made a mistake and apologized for it and will pay for it. I received it as a text message from an acquaintance and immaturely put it up on facebook in the light of the election. Im not racist and apologize for offending you. I grew up on a ranch in a small town where that was a real thing and I need to grow up. I sincerely am sorry for being ignorant in thinking that it would be ok to write that publicly and apologize to you in particular. I have to be more mature than to put the reputation of my team at stake and to spread that kind of hate which I dont even believe in. Once again, I sincerely apologize."

While it's important to note that it's not just not ok to write it, it's not cool to think or believe that either, Burnette has done all in his power to make it clear he knows he was wrong. And it's entirely likely he grew up in an environment where these jokes were both accepted and prevalent. And given that he's 19 or 20 year old kid who thought a sick joke was funny, The Common Man doesn't want to pile onto his problems. Clearly, his punishment has been severe and he has been chastened. Hopefully, he will use the opportunity to interegate his own beliefs to better understand them, speak out against the kinds of statements he made, and use this time to focus on self-improvement.

Perhaps that is the best The Common Man can hope for at this point, meager though it seems. Racism has the power to ruin all of the lives it touches. Buck Burnette is learning that the hard way, but, on the bright side, he's learning.


Addendum: If Obama is smart (and by now, you know he is), here's what he'll do. He'll call Texas coach Mack Brown and ask the coach to reinstate Burnette after the season's over. After all, Burnette is more valuable in the fight against racism if he can remain active and in the public eye, and tell his story both to kids and the media. And Obama can earn easy points with UT fans. Not enough to win in Texas in '12, of course, but at this point, it's a move that costs him exactly nothing in political capital and would make him seem more acceptable to conservatives.

8 Is Enough

The Common Man has been recovering from his long, dark night of the blogging soul, and catching up on some work in the past day or so. His excitement over the Obama victory (and there was a good deal of excitement), however, was tempered by his disappointment over California voters' decision to ban gay marriage. Proposition 8, which sought to amend the state constitution to codify a marriage as a union of a man and a woman, won by a 52-48 percent margin, undoing a California Supreme Court ruling from last year that made gay marriage legal. The Common Man has people he loves and cares about who are gay, and he feels very sad that they are not afforded the same opportunity as their straight brethren.



This election highlights just how unacceptable the general public of this country finds gay marriage. Indeed, if a state as liberal as California can't turn out enough voters to defeat such a ridiculous amendment, no state can. Anyway, The Common Man wants supporters of equal marriage rights to know he is with them, and so presents of all the reasons supporting gay marriage is manly, or at least not not manly:

1) You are secure in your masculinity and your marriage. You understand that your marriage is not in jeopardy because Adam and Steve can now tie the knot. Adam and Steve have their own problems to worry about, without looking for ways to undermine the sanctity of your union. And just because they have the option to walk down the aisle doesn't mean you are suddenly going to put on short-shorts, buy a Shih-Tzu, and go looking for a James Gandolfini-look-a-like in San Francisco's Bear Bars. Indeed, your sexuality is your own. And your marriage is your own. And they will both thrive or fail based on your ability to be a man, not on the influence of some outside force. The only reason to feel threatened is because you feel afraid, afraid like a girly scaredy man.

2) Fairness is manly. Sure, life isn't fair sometimes. Nor should it be. But as a society, America should always strive to make opportunities equal for all. In some instances (school busing policies, for examples), the best overall way to promote fairness of opportunity isn't crystal clear. In this case, however, it is. Gay people are being denied a right that straight people have. If marriage is a right (and its inclusion in state constitutions suggests that it is), then it is a right that should be extended to all peoples. Besides, who says marriage is a benefit? Lyndon Johnson said about Affirmative Action, "You do not take a person who, for years, has been hobbled by chains and liberate him, bring him up to the starting line of a race and then say, `You are free to compete with an the others,' and still justly believe that you have been completely fair." If marriage is a ball and chain around the feet of straight men everywhere, The Common Man welcomes putting that same chain around the limbs of gay couples. Let's even the playing field.

3) Choice is manly. Men crave the ability to control their own destiny. Whether that is owning their own businesses or driving the car. It's the American dream to be able to make the choices that shape who you are and what you will do. This goes for the associations men keep as well. Men don't like to be told who to date or who to be friends with, who to like and who to hate. Indeed, when states ban gay marriage, they are essentially limiting choice. These states are saying that they don't think you have the ability to make the choices about your life that are best for you. Conservatives often complain about a big government, and getting that government off of citizens' backs. The Common Man has a hard time imagining a more intrusive government than one that won't even allow its citizens choose how they will be associated with the people they choose to associate with.

So grow a pair, support gay marriage and denounce Prop 8. You know it's the right thing to do.