Strangeness Afoot

Strange stories everywhere yesterday, it seems.

--First and most importantly, the great national non-crisis spawned by Chief Justice Roberts' and President Obama's attempt to rewrite the Presidential oath has been resolved. Roberts, of course, misplaced the word "faithfully" in the oath on Tuesday, turning the Constitutionally ok "I will faithfully execute the office of president to the United States" into Constitutionally dubious "I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully." Obama, after some confusion, followed suit, and The Common Man speculated in several forums (including to The Uncommon Wife, who rolled her eyes) that Roberts had done it on purpose, since Obama had not voted to confirm him. Yesterday, under the cover of broad daylight, Roberts was summoned to the White House on the advice of White House counsel Greg Craig (thanks, mom and dad, for the rhyming name, you guys are awesome) to readminister the oath and put any doubts to bed about who really runs the show.


--In other fun news, perpetual humbug Rush Limbaugh has catapulted himself back into the limelight by publicly hoping for Barack Obama to fail in his attempt to solve the economic crisis:



Yet, Obama's failure would be America's failure, would it not? Millions of Americans out of work? Millions of Americans forced from their homes? Billions of dollars gone, with no hope of recovery? That's all fine with Limbaugh, as long as his precious ideology, which has failed so spectacularly in practice, remains unmolested. What a child he is.

--George Mitchell, whose name The Common Man keeps mentioning in connection to some report on steroids or other, is back in the news today, as Barack Obama has named him to lead a special envoy to the Middle East. Mitchell, aside from providing political cover to extortionists, was the Senate Majority Leader from 1989 to 1995 and has been generally praised for his efforts to bring peace to Israel in the past. He is, however, a graduate of Bowdoin College, so how good can he really be? Also, if he handles his job this time around anything like how he handled baseball's steroid scandal, the fighting will continue to rage, but the rest of America will stop paying attention to it.

--Finally, yesterday, troubling news surfaced that should concern real men everywhere. According to this CNN report, there is a drastic shortage of buffalo wings:



Rising prices? Fewer wings on the market? Color The Common Man concerned. Now is definitely the time to start a poultry farm, it seems. Look, The Common Man doesn't care who you are or from what walk of life you are from. If you have two X chromasomes (XY chromosomes, The Common Man forgot his biology and his spellcheck at home, thanks to Michael Albert for ihs ehlp) and you don't like buffalo wings, there is something seriously wrong with you. The Common Man likes him some buffalo wings, he can tell you that. The hotter the better. And there is no better place to get them than this place. One bite of their delicious and spicy Bonfire wings made The Common Man weep for joy. They had a perfect blend of flavor and kick that was augmented by a smattering of chopped jalapenos. The Common Man can handle the hottest of the hot, but if he can get a wing that satisfies his burning desire for burning and his tongue's desire for deliciousness, he jumps at the opportunity. The thought of all that wing sauce and no wings to pour it on makes The Common Man weep for an entirely different reason. Chickens, reproduce faster. Feel free to list your favorite places for wings in the comments below. Also, have the prices gone up lately?

Much Ado Begets Nothing

The Common Man has inadvertently turned the comments section of Shysterball into his own private soapbox for the day, and rather than continue to take up valuable space, bytes, and whatever else over there, he thought that perhaps he could move his part of the discussion to his own personal fiefdom. Speaking about Roger Clemens, Shyster argues,

"I’d probably boo him if he were pitching again. What I’m talking about is treating him like a social leper. Disinviting him from stuff. Taking his name off of things he donated money to make possible. It’s just so sanctimonious and cowardly.... Clemens isn’t evil. Once he figures out how dumb he’s been for the last year he’s going to go back to being a big rich bullheaded Texan that could probably do a lot of good in the right situation (charity work; informal coaching, etc.)."

As usual, he is right. Baseball gains nothing tangible by shutting players like Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro out of the game. Instead, they get what they've always been seeking, cover meant to dissuade Congress, media, and fans from looking closer at the game and those who play it. It keeps the heat off while baseball struggles to catch up to dopers and dope-producers who remain (and almost certainly will remain) a step ahead. Baseball has and will continue to use these men as scapegoats for the steroid era, and declare itself largely free and clear of the steroid era.

This, of course, was the purpose of the famous Mitchell Report, a document eagerly anticipated because it promised a) to name names (creating the scapegoats that baseball needed) and b) to be the beginning of the end of the steroid era. And it was incredibly effective in doing so, in shutting down or blunting the most pointed of critics in Congress, and in shifting the perception of MLB to that of a sinner trying to attone.

And The Common Man believes that Bud Selig and the MLB were and are, in fact, honest in their desire to clean up the game. But in their desire for damage and spin control, they missed the best long-term opportunity to clean up the game. By using the Mitchell Report and Congressional hearings into steroid abuse to shift the onus onto the players and the player association, MLB has created a generation of pariahs whose ostracization makes them virtually useless to any further efforts to clean up the sport.

But think for a moment how powerful these former giants of baseball could be if they were invited back. Here is the vision that The Common Man wrote in Shyster's comments (with pronouns changed to respect this forum, in which The Common Man is all-powerful), "Do not keep the McGwires from the game. Invite them back and ask them to talk about what they did, why they did it, and what effects taking supplements and/or steroids have had on their body, mind, and life. The Common Man thinks everyone will all be better for it if they allow themselves to become better educated." Indeed, think about these men, whose alleged-PED use brought them to the pinnacle of the sport, making them national heroes who graced the cover of Time, and appeared on The Simpsons. What if they were to tell the players who are coming up today, high schoolers, and college players, and minor leaguers, about how it ultimately was not worth it to juice? What if they could tell the kids about the shame they caused their families, their mothers and wives (hello, Roger) and their kids? What a tool to cut down interest in taking steroids from its source! Indeed, without demand, the supply will dwindle as producers find other, more profitable fields to go into.

Sure, Americans can continue to be angry and bitter over steroid use, but what good is that? Just because Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds allegedly took PEDs, does that mean that you had less fun watching them in 1998 and 2001? So why are vocal critics of steroids so angry? Anger isn't productive. Let baseball aggressively test for steroids, let it fairly punish those who are caught using, and give those who have sinned a chance for redemption. Invite them back, tell them why you want their help, and ask them to save baseball again, just like they did in 1998.