Plumbing New Depths

Seriously, what does The Common Man have to do to get Joe the Plumber to go away. Whatever it is, The Common Man will do it. Can he give some kind of donation? Blood perhaps (The Common Man gives blood quickly and efficiently, pumping out a pint in under eight minutes, and is unafraid of needles)? A kidney? Can The Common Man bribe someone? He'd plant a salacious and discrediting story about Joe, but a) it seems the man is addicted to attention and will regard that as a positive development and b) then The Common Man will have to endure multiple news cycles during which breathless anchors wonder why Joe the Plumber likes to hire prostitutes, have them dress in bakers' hats and aprons, and smack him with rolling pins. And frankly, The Common Man can't take it. Especially not after the Vikings' miserable performance on Sunday (it takes a while to get over a 4th quarter like that).


The Common Man made it clear before that he thought Joe was a raging moron, whose time in the spotlight needed to end (really, for the whole country's sake). But now, some desperate for attention media outlet, Pajamas Media, is sending Wurzelbacher to Israel to report (and undoubtedly solve) the fighting in the Gaza Strip. With his trademark eloquence, Joe has weighed in on the crisis, telling CNN, "It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do.”

Sure, it's dangerous work going over there (covering the war from the Israeli side of the border, where there is no actual fighting going on), but Joe is heroically braving the 1/1,000,000 chance a bomb (thankfully) lands on his bald pate, saying "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance." Well, all The Common Man can say is God bless you, Joe. Get as close to the fighting as you want.

Meanwhile, as Joe clings to his flagging fame by his fingernails, opportunistic politicians and media organizations will continue to attempt to Pretty Woman (or Pygmalion, if you snobs prefer) him up, making a Congressional bid likelier and likelier. The Common Man figures that election officials won't let Joe go by "the Plumber" on the ballot, so it's only a matter of time before he changes his surname.


When three of the four most visible Republicans are George Bush, Sarah Palin, and Joe the Plumber, what does that say about that political party? If this were a baseball team, how long would it realistically take to rebuild?

A Clown to the Left of Me, A Joker to the Right...

Will someone please tell Joe the Plumber to shut up? Good gravy, Chris Crocker hasn't gotten this much undeserved media attention. What did the man do? He asked Barack Obama a question on the street. Obama deftly and patiently explained how his middle-income tax credit would save Joe money. John McCain uses Joe as an example in one of the debates, and Joe, smelling his chance at the brass ring, embraces the opportunity by saying he didn't trust Obama's answer and going on the campaign trail for John McCain.



On the trail, Joe paid back the McCain camplaign by agreeing that "a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel" and by not showing up at campaign events at which he was scheduled to appear (which led to this wonderful video). Since doing nothing to help his candidate win, Joe has been linked to a book deal and a potential Congressional bid. And this week, Joe has again decided to show off just how much of a boob he can be, telling douchebag Glen Beck,

"When I was on the bus with [John McCain], I asked him a lot of questions about the bailout because most Americans didn’t want it to happen - yet he voted for it. At the same time he’s talking about making someone famous if they even think about putting pork in the bill. We all know how much pork was in the $700 billion bailout package. Why did he vote for it? I asked him pretty direct questions, and some of the answers you guys are going to receive … they appalled me. I was angry. I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Joe's welcome to his opinion, of course, but The Common Man simply does not understand why anyone cares. This man has done nothing but demonstrate his lack of restraint and his ignorance since coming into promenence. How he could have any newsworthy truths to reveal about the political process or about life in general frankly baffles The Common Man. Who really cares what this fool thinks about John McCain, Sarah Palin, the bailout, gay marriage, or any one of a hundred issues for which he is unqualified to comment intelligently? As the recent election demonstrated, Joe is not exactly a bellweather for determining how the American people are thinking.

Does returning Joe to his normal plumber's life really do much to change the world today? Would it make this country's future any better? Maybe not. But maybe it's wrong to intimate that Joe speaks for "regular" Americans (whatever that means), whether you are lionizing those Americans or making fun of them. For that lends credence to what he is saying, and only does an injustice to lower-middle to middle class Americans who are struggling through today's economic crisis. It reduces them to a cliche, a caricature, and a punchline. And, of course, shutting Joe up would just make The Common Man feel better.

Of course, the problems associated with Joe the Plumber are nothing compared to the apalling scandal out of Illinois, where Gov. Blagojevich has been indicted on several charges stemming from egregious acts of political corruption, including trying to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat. Now this is a man who has truly done something that should make him famous. The name Blagojevich should echo through the halls of government as an example to those who would sell out their constituents. It won't, of course; politicians are notoriously confident in their own abilities to cover up their wrong-doing, and no one wants to remember a name like Blagojevich anyway. Within a year, he will be Governor What's-his-face or Prisoner 9938493.

There's nothing more to say, really, about Blagojevich that hasn't been said by comedians, pundits, and the larger media. The man is a scumbag who has dishonored himself, his family, and his state. He leaves behind a stained office and a significant obstacle for future governors to overcome, namely the distrust the public has for its elected official. It's remarkable that, today, so beloved a national figure rose in the same political system that spawned the likes of Blagojevich and his cronies. One wonders how Obama escaped relatively unscathed.