Baseball Improvement

By Mark Smith

I won’t try to deny it. I love Home Improvement. Though I could attempt to tell you that I am ashamed to admit that I liked the show, I will still sit there and watch episodes of the show if I could find them. It was corny, cheesy, and wasn’t much more than the average sit-com, but I identified with the show more than others. Perhaps it was because the family mirrored my own. My father isn’t exactly Tim Allen, but my family had 2 parents and 3 sons, the youngest of them named Mark (me!). Perhaps it was because I grew up as the kids grew up, and every time I watched an episode again, I could find a new point as I began to see things from the perspective of the kid that happened to be my age, making the show unintentionally (or maybe intentionally, now that I think about it) versatile and long-lasting.

Of course, none of the actors have really gone on to do anything. Tim Allen did some really crappy movies and looks to be the head of a crappy sit-com. I’ve seen Patricia Richardson in a few things but not much. Jonathan Taylor Thomas pretty much fell off the planet once his teenage cuteness wore off. And Richard Karn was or is still (?) the host of Family Feud, which is like asking for career euthanasia. Nevertheless, the show was quite successful with several good supporting actors surrounding a somewhat star in his peak.

But Tim Allen’s new show got to me thinking about the show and how much I miss it, and like most things that I think about, I started relating it back to baseball and re-casted the show. What follows is the absurd result.

Jeff Francoeur is Tim Allen. A likeable guy, most people love him, and his charm takes him a long way in life. He, however, isn’t particularly good at his job, at least to the point that he continues to gain such notoriety, and he’s at his best when he has a partner that does most of the heavy lifting.

JD Drew is Al Borland. If you want a platoon partner for Frenchy, Drew is the guy. He can hit, run, and field. He can really play the game and knows what he’s doing, but like Mr. Borland (personality), he has a fatal flaw that keeps him from being able to run his own show (injuries; inability to play 140 games).

Chase Utley is Jill Taylor. Chase is used to taking a backseat to his more well-known partner Ryan Howard, but there’s little doubt who brings more value to the team. As time has gone on, people have started realizing that Chase should be an equal partner in fame, but the Glass Ceiling of the Masses still think Howard is the guy.

He even hides. See?

Joe Maddon is Wilson Wilson, Jr. Who else is going to make the funny quips and the insightful quotes? Charlie Manuel doesn’t come off as educated as Wilson, and Ozzie Guillen … well, you understand. Maddon’s the smart, older guy that seems pretty weird to most people.

Matt Kemp is Brad Taylor. Ultra athletic, Kemp can do everything and is the pinnacle of what you’d want a baseball player to look like. But man, he can do some dumb things sometimes while he gets caught up in his ego.

He looks like Randy, too. Right?

Alex Anthopoulos is Randy Taylor. He’s extremely intelligent, and he’s trying to revolutionize the thing he loves. Alex, however, struggles to really fit in as the other major players in the division start becoming more and more alike.

Colby Rasmus is Mark Taylor. There’s nothing really wrong with Rasmus, per se, but he’s a sensitive soul going through his anti-establishment phase. We assume he’ll become a normal part of society eventually.

Carl Crawford is Lisa or Heidi. Apparently, he only looks good in a uniform …

Fredi Gonzalez is Harry Turner. A nice guy, but he does have some problems running his business and dealing with his marriage. That, and he may have just had his balls cut off.

Melky Cabrera is Benny Baroni. I don’t have to explain this one, do I?

Now, I just have to decide if I’m actually going to watch the new Tim Allen series.