Plumbing New Depths

Seriously, what does The Common Man have to do to get Joe the Plumber to go away. Whatever it is, The Common Man will do it. Can he give some kind of donation? Blood perhaps (The Common Man gives blood quickly and efficiently, pumping out a pint in under eight minutes, and is unafraid of needles)? A kidney? Can The Common Man bribe someone? He'd plant a salacious and discrediting story about Joe, but a) it seems the man is addicted to attention and will regard that as a positive development and b) then The Common Man will have to endure multiple news cycles during which breathless anchors wonder why Joe the Plumber likes to hire prostitutes, have them dress in bakers' hats and aprons, and smack him with rolling pins. And frankly, The Common Man can't take it. Especially not after the Vikings' miserable performance on Sunday (it takes a while to get over a 4th quarter like that).


The Common Man made it clear before that he thought Joe was a raging moron, whose time in the spotlight needed to end (really, for the whole country's sake). But now, some desperate for attention media outlet, Pajamas Media, is sending Wurzelbacher to Israel to report (and undoubtedly solve) the fighting in the Gaza Strip. With his trademark eloquence, Joe has weighed in on the crisis, telling CNN, "It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do.”

Sure, it's dangerous work going over there (covering the war from the Israeli side of the border, where there is no actual fighting going on), but Joe is heroically braving the 1/1,000,000 chance a bomb (thankfully) lands on his bald pate, saying "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance." Well, all The Common Man can say is God bless you, Joe. Get as close to the fighting as you want.

Meanwhile, as Joe clings to his flagging fame by his fingernails, opportunistic politicians and media organizations will continue to attempt to Pretty Woman (or Pygmalion, if you snobs prefer) him up, making a Congressional bid likelier and likelier. The Common Man figures that election officials won't let Joe go by "the Plumber" on the ballot, so it's only a matter of time before he changes his surname.


When three of the four most visible Republicans are George Bush, Sarah Palin, and Joe the Plumber, what does that say about that political party? If this were a baseball team, how long would it realistically take to rebuild?