By The Common Man
Earlier today, Peter Gammons, Associate Dean of Baseball, Knight of Baseball Reportage, Master of the Pocket Tweet, and former owner of a sweet-ass mustache, advised someone to “Buy her a washing machine.” We have little context to understand who The Great Gammo was speaking to nor, exactly, what occasion is worthy of such a lavish present. Is that the 14th wedding anniversary, or the 36th?
Anyway, The Common Man advocates immediately adding this to our baseball lexicon, since he imagines it’s something Red Barber would say back in his heyday. But TCM is less that clear about what, exactly, “buying her a washing machine” should mean. Obviously, it should be something good (as using a washing machine is much better than washing clothes by hand). However, it can’t be something exciting or even something fully appreciated. What woman or man, after all, wants to be given a washing machine as a gift? How is that fun? So The Common Man leaves it to you, dear readers, to determine what, exactly, “buying her a washing machine” should be in baseball-ese. The following are all suggestions The Common Man received or proposed:
1) Getting lowballed in contract arbitration. (via Craig Calcaterra)
Obviously, this has the advantage of being something good (at least you weren’t non-tendered), but not something you’d actually appreciate, if you were a player.
2) Matt Stairs pinch hitting. (via Sam Miller)
Everyone loves Matt Stairs. But a Matt Stairs pinch hitting opportunity at this point is probably bound to end poorly. Perhaps with yelling and the breaking of dishes.
3) Signing a middle reliever to a three-year contract.
“Hey Joe Girardi, we signed you a pitcher!”
“Great! Who’d we get? Don’t tell me it’s Carl Pavano. We need some help in the rotation this year.”
“It’s Rafael Soriano! And you get him for 3 years!”
4) A sacrifice fly in the top of the 9th when you’re down by two and there’s one out. (Developed in tandem with Kirstin Brown, mistress of K-Bro’s Baseball Blog, who is really on a freaking roll lately.)
Scoring a run: Good! Two outs, and still losing: Bad. This has probably happened 82 times to the Twins already this year, and they’ve only lost 84 games.
5) Trading for A.J. Pierzynski (from Giants fan Muldoon, who knows a little something about getting a useful thing, but paying too much for it)
When the Giants acquired him, AJ Pierzynski was not a bad player. But he was also not a great player, and the Giants gave up a huge package, including Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano to get him.
Please vote for the best definition in the poll on the right sidebar. If you choose “other,” feel free to share what we missed.
(Please note, this post was basically ripped off from the good people of NotGraphs, which should be on your daily circuit, and their occasional feature Nickname Seeks Player. I feel strongly they will approve.)