Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Let's make this a thing: "No Tomkos"

By Bill

Grant Brisbee is one of the many excellent writers who tosses stuff up a couple times a day over on Baseball Nation on SBN (in addition to his usual McCovey Chronicles duties). Yesterday, he wrote a typically high-quality, but stylistically pretty standard, piece on the Red Sox's rumored attempts to acquire a starter for game 162.

Except that in the middle, presented without comment, was this.

The whole of it is a pretty funny and clever thing, but there's something just so completely, strikingly perfect about that last phrase: "No Tomkos." It's an odd choice, Brett Tomko; he's basically retired, having thrown about 18 innings since 2009, and he never pitched for the Sox (he did pitch for Grant's Giants, but actually performed pretty well for them). He had some pretty awful years in 2007 and 2008, but he's far from the first guy who comes to mind as a potential pitching disaster. It must just be the name itself; there's something about that combination of letters, "Tomko," that (a) is funny and (b) suggests kind-of-suckyness. No offense if that's your name or something.

Whatever the reason, I just love it. We had a lot of fun with it on Twitter, after fellow SweetSpotter Bexy brought it up. I have no idea why, but the phrase "no Tomkos" is just innately funny.

I love it so much, in fact, that I've decided it has to become A Thing. So I'm calling on each and every one of you, at absolutely each and every remotely appropriate moment, to use the phrase "no Tomkos," and to encourage its use by others. Some examples:

The Obvious
[Manager on the bullpen phone:] "Our starter's getting killed out there, Bobby. Get somebody warmed up. No, I don't care who, but no Tomkos!"

"Man, the Phillies' rotation is looking awfully strong for 2012. Solid one through five, no Tomkos."

The Less Obvious
"This guy's got all the pitches working. Fastball, slider, curve, changeup. Everything's sharp and right on target. No Tomkos."

[On Twitter:] "GO ROYALS!!! #royals #trusttheprocess #kansascityroyals #notomkos #HosmerIsMyHomeboy"

The Curious
"C'mon now Felix, here we go now buddy, fire it in there kid, no Tomkos, you got these guys now, here we go, kid, no Tomkos..."

"Dammit, Punto, you slid head-first into first base again! How many times do we have to go through this? NO TOMKOS!!!"

[Bob Brenly:] "You know, the Cubs have been OK today. They're taking pitches, not trying to do too much, driving the ball the other way every now and then. No Tomkos, but there's definitely room for improvement."

Just a few ideas to get you started. Go forth and make this happen! And please share additional suggestions in the comments below.

UPDATE! New Twitter follower hbrockett threw together this excellent representative image:


Anonymous said...

Having to shit out 500 words of filler on your blog about Brett Tomko's name.

Bill said...

Now, that doesn't even work syntactically. That would define "a Tomko," potentially, not the use of the phrase "no Tomkos." But thanks for the effort.

The Common Man said...

What's with this "having to" business? Bill shits this out because he loves to. Feel free to not read, by the way, if you find the content to be not worth your time.