Kicked Out of Bed By 31 Lbs of Chuck Norris

The Common Man has been totally out of it today, to the point that he fell asleep in his chair more than once this afternoon. Last night, after he and The Uncommon Wife decided, for reasons that defy logic, to stay up late, their minutes-old sleep was interupted by the concerned and forlorn cries of "daddy?" and "mommy?" eminating from the next room. The Boy, it would seem, would no longer brook being left in his crib while everyone else got to snuggle.

And so, The Common Man rose from his slumber, and like any responsible parent, brought the product of his loins back to his bed, to nestle between his mother and father. However, rebel that he is, The Boy refused to stay nestled. He twisted. He pushed. He flipped. He climbed. And, ultimately, he kicked (like a baby Chuck Norris, except that Chuck Norris emerged from the womb fully-formed: 200-odd lbs of ass-whuppin'). It was a grueling 45 minutes of the boy refusing to sleep or to let his parents sleep. And so, when at the end of his rope, and wanting to make sure The Uncommon Wife (who is suffering from some day-care-born mega-virus) was able to get some sleep, The Common Man returned The Boy to his crib, where he (The Boy, not The Common Man) began to wail incessently, at least until he realized that his father was getting himself a blanket and was planning to camp out on the floor.

Satisfied that he would no longer have to sleep alone, and that his best (non-verbal) efforts could no longer prevent the slumber of his parents, The Boy settled down at about 2:30. However, before finally shutting his eyes for the night, The Boy did kindly throw an extra blanket and a couple stuffed animals down to his father, so that he wouldn't get lonely or cold. And as The Common Man rested his weary crown on the head of The Boy's bear rug, listened to The Boy talk to his stuffed animals and then begin to snore, and folded himself for warmth under a fleece blanket meant for a two year-old, The Common Man thought, "well, this isn't so bad."

Obviously, he was delirious.

Mother's Little Helper

The Common Man feels not well today. A swelled throat area, combined with a hacking cough, and stuffled nose have conspired to make him feel like crap (though he is not sick, The Common Man does not get sick). At some point, he took some Dayquil, and it's probably time to do that again.

The Common Man realizes that Nyquil would be more effective at relieving his runny nose, aching, sore throat, and cough (or at least would knock him out so he wouldn't have to deal with it). But he can't bring himself to take it. First, to do so would be an admission that he couldn't handle his symptoms like a man. That he couldn't Gary Cooper his way through it. Second, The Common Man really doesn't like to feel the woozies. He doesn't mind feeling the "buzz" of alcohol, but the woozies of drugs give him pause.

He remembers back to his first knee surgery and how the narcotics (Vicadin, if he remembers correctly) made him nauseous and sleepy. The Common Man likes to be awake, and aware of his surroundings. If he ever is attacked by a ninja, The Common Man wants to be ready for it. Even if it means defending himself with a roundhouse kick from his soft cast. Sure, Chuck Norris probably would get here in time to save The Common Man (he is Chuck Norris, after all), but he's awfully busy busting up drug cartels, freeing POWs, and rescuing kittens, and The Common Man really doesn't want to add to his burden. It is hard, after all, to be the manliest man in the land. The least The Common Man can do is take care of his own ninja problems (of which there are many).

Anyway, The Common Man's aversion to pain meds will undoubtedly make the recovery from his upcoming knee surgery interesting. He survived last time on his mom's TLC and 800 mg of Ibuprofin at a time. Something similar is planned for this go around, but The Common Man is a little older and a little wiser than when he was 17. So, the upshot is, while The Common Man will hold off on the Nyquil for now and take his symptoms (but not his illness, The Common Man IS NOT SICK!) like a man, if anyone out there has access to Chuck Norris' itinerary in late September, pencil The Common Man in. You can file it under Man, The Common or simply under Ninjas. Chuck will know what it means.