Viral Load

Flabergasted does not begin to describe The Common Man this morning, when he went to CNN.com, on a day that saw Houston and the Texas coast struggling to recover from Hurrican Eisenhower, the fall of two investment giants in Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch, and General Petraeus being relieved of his command (following a largely successful tenure) in Iraq, and discovered that the start of OJ Simpson's trial was the lead story. Nice priorities. Anyway, The Common Man was so depressed he couldn't write a full post today. Instead, enjoy some virally goodness and half-assed commentary.

First off, fighting for a playoff spot, Met fans are on the edge of their seats:



The Common Man believes this man got exactly what he deserved. Baseball tickets, particularly to the Mets, are expensive these days, and unless you're under 8 or above 80 years old, you have no excuse for sleeping during a ballgame. Also, for The Common Man's college readers out there, don't ever be the first guy to pass out at a party. While fewer people will see your embarassment than will see this guy, you aren't really in a "public" forum, and many terrible things will happen to (and be written on) your person. You've been warned.

The best bi-partisan news conference of the year:



Though the clip is funny throughout, and is further evidence that Tina Fey is, bar none, the most talented and hilarious woman (person?) in America today, Amy Poehler gets a) the best lines of the sketch and b) the most important message of one of the most overtly political SNL bits of recent years. Indeed, the success and effectiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report in pointing out hypocrasy in politics and media that SNL has been forced to step up its game, including last season's sketch where they lampooned the media's handling of Barak Obama in DNC debates. It's a welcome change for SNL. Now, if only they could get the funny back.

And, finally, maybe mini-golf should be considered a contact sport:



Mini-golf is indeed the most frustrating of almost sports, finishing just ahead of whiffle ball, bumper bowling, and speed walking. Those windmills, hills, and castles sure do provide difficult obstacles that thwart even the most enthusiastic putter's attempts to get the ball in the hole. It's easy to see how a man could lose his cool in that situation. And really, what was that biker doing on the course in the first place?

Good Times

The best 4 minutes and 11 seconds of all time: Dancing in the living room with your 22 month old to Living on a Prayer. Even though dancing only consists of him running around in circles, shaking his sippie cup of milk (is that how you make a milk shake? And does it bring all the boys to the yard?), and, very rarely, doing a big jump.

The best 20 minutes of all time: Watching your 22 month old son "color" his monkey mask at the local children's museum. The Uncommon Man, during this time, made himself a cow mask, and The Uncommon Wife was a kick-ass lioness.

The best 6 minutes and 30 seconds of all time: The brief period that your 22 month old takes a break from playing with his blocks to cuddle up with you to watch football. Before you can fully explain the Cover-2 to him, he's gone again.

The best 20 seconds of all time: The moment in church, during the Gospel, when your 22 month old wants to give both parents a simultaneous hug, followed by kisses. Less wonderful was 20 seconds later, when he decided to start hitting his mommy.

The best 13 minutes and 45 seconds of all time: Decorating sugar cookies with your 22 month old, and trying to keep as many of the sprinkles as possible off of the floor, while the dog hovers nearby.

Even with a heartbreaking (and entirely predictable) Vikings loss, this has been a wonderful weekend for The Common Man.

Saturday Beer Review: Fat Weasel Ale

As The Common Man sat down in the Mancave to watch the Ohio State-USC mismatch, he was supported by freshly baked sugar cookies and a bottle of Fat Weasel Ale, a thoroughly satisfying beer out of New Ulm, MN. Though not fancy, the Fat Weasel is a terrific option for a variety of scenarios, from tailgating to a fine compliment to steak dinner.

It's primary benifit is that it has flavor without being at all intrusive. Though an ale by name, the natural bitterness of the ale is subdued significantly. Thus, it allows the flavor of whatever you're eating to come through. Or, if you're simply drinking with the guys, the flavor won't get in the way of mass consumption, like the extreme bitterness of an IPA might.

What sets this beer apart, and perhaps may make it ideal for nights out with the boys or days drinking in a parking lot or field (I'm looking at you, Deacon), is the high alcohol content. At 7.1% ABV, this is easily the most alcoholic beer The Common Man has reviewed on this site. The alcohol, undoubtedly, covers a great deal of the ale's natural flavor, but it also might result in a day to remember (or perhaps not to remember).

For instance, if The Common Man were an Ohio State fan, he'd be drinking this beer in copious amounts from now until midnight. If you're in desperate need, Buckeye fans, head to your nearest Trader Joe's and grab a sixer or two. Follow them up with a couple of Aleve and a large glass of water. Wake up tomorrow and avoid any and all media outlets, and you won't even care that you don't remember how disappointing tonight was for you.

Great Moments in Terrible Filmmaking: The Covenant

The latest installment in The Common Man's Great Moments in Terrible Filmmaking asks the question: What would happen if douchebags could do magic? The answer, it turns out is not very interesting. They'd continue to be douchebags, going to parties, macking on girls, and generally being obnoxious. It's just that they'd do magic to be even more unbearable, by doing trick pool shots, or making a girl's car start for her, or using their abilities to make their car levitate so that the cops won't arrest them for underage drinking.

The plot centers around four kids at an elite New England prep school, the Sons of Ipswich, who are secretly descended from Salem witches and have to power to totes do magic, like, whenever they want as long as they keep it a secret. They rule over their school with a benevolent iron fist, loved by all the womens and both hated and revered by the mens. And OMG, they totally are in trouble when it looks like one of them is using their power for evil, rather than for douchebaggery.



It's important to note that this movie didn't have to be terrible. Shows like Buffy and Charmed have been able to at least make magic seem hot, if not awesome (as if you'd turn down the chance to make some magic with Alyson Hannigan, Rose McGowan, or Alyssa Milano). But the characters are so unbelievable shallow that it's impossible to root for them to do anything but die horribly in the most embarrassing and humbling way possible.

Sadly, there's not nearly enough of that, as the movie devolves into an obvious whodunnit, with a big supernatural showdown at the end that is largely fought with big, clear balls of energy. Not real exciting.

Worse, the soundtrack is abrasive and uniform; it's all hard rock, "we're like a badass Nickleback" crap, and the film's almost uniformly black. Even though the dialogue is hilariously stilted and heavy on the exposition, and the acting is hammy, the look and the sound of the film simply get in the way of enjoying how horrible it is. Instead, you're holding your ears and wondering why one of the Sons of Ipswich doesn't use his magic to turn down the background levels.

If your an emo teenager, you will enjoy this movie. If you are anyone else, sadly, it's not even worth your time. There are far better bad movies to watch that won't offend your senses, and The Common Man will be back soon so you don't have to sift through the crap to find the treasures.

Failing a Test

Well, The Common Man loves The Simpsons, even though good new episodes are few and far between these days, and he's seen the best that the mid- to late-nineties had to offer at least half a dozen times over the years. Even though, as time passes, he gradually turns into Homer, The Common Man particularly loves Bart and the youthful pranks and shenanigans the scamp gets into (who doesn't love Bart and Milhouse finding $20, getting squishy-drunk, and accidentally becoming Boy Scouts?). You see, The Common Man can take a joke.

Which is why The Common Man chuckled yesterday when, while watching The Simpsons and making dinner for The Boy, he saw the following ad for John McCain and Sarah Palin:



That's hilarious, The Common Man thought, that a candidate who has been thoroughly vetted would have somehow advocated sex-ed for kindergardeners and no one had noticed. Good one, John McCain! You, sir, are a man of great humor.

Then, of course, The Common Man realized that McCain wasn't joking. McCain's ad was seriously putting forth the idea that Barak Obama, the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, wanted kids "learning about sex before learning to read." This is elevating the national dialogue about politics, suggesting that Barak Obama is the inappropriate uncle you don't invite to parties anymore?

Obviously, McCain's assertion is not true. According to FactCheck.org, the legislation McCain's ad discusses "does not support explicit sex education for kindergarteners. And the bill...would have allowed only "age appropriate" material and a no-questions-asked opt-out policy for parents." The primary purpose of the clause addressing kindergardeners, according to The Washington Post, "was to make them aware of the risk of inappropriate touching and sexual predators." So, if John McCain wants to make a campaign issue out of Barak Obama's attempts to keep kindergardeners safe from child molestors, good luck with that. McCain has no young children, so perhaps that's not a concern for him.

Indeed, education as a whole seems to be less of a concern for John McCain. McCain speaks highly of No Child Left Behind, a disappointing program (at best) that has hamstrung school districts and states by not delivering promised funding, cut off student choices, and encouraged an alarming increase in student drop-out rates. Indeed, according to the New York Sun, McCain has "embraced a national effort, led by the New York City schools chancellor, Joel Klein, to expand No Child Left Behind's philosophy of using test scores to zero in on and eliminate


failing schools, principals, and teachers." Yet, as McCain has not proposed any additional federal education funding, one wonders exactly how he will pay for it.

He is also a proponent of allowing students from failing schools to transfer into other available schools in the area. This sounds good in theory, until you keep in mind that schools have a finite amount of space to hold new students and many areas of the country (particularly rural communities that have extremely limited educational opportunities). Choice is not the panacea it seems when there is no real choice to make, after all.


What is most disappointing about this entire fiasco, however, is that McCain's ad comes from someone The Common Man respects. His moral compass is supposed to be truer than that. And the fact that he resorts to such trickery only underscores the notion that John McCain realizes he has nothing substantive to add to the debate on education. Nothing he'd like to say about his own proposals. Nothing worth talking about. He has become the snide child in the back of the class, making fun of the smart guy trying to deliver his book report. And that's...just... It's sad what John McCain has become.

Every morning, when The Boy gets up from his nightly slumber, he and his father stumble down the stairs at Casa de Common to make breakfast (and coffee for The Uncommon Wife) and to watch The Boy's favorite show, Sesame Street. Of particular interest to The Boy is a small, red, furry monster who has taken over the final 20 minutes of Sesame Steet in the days since The Common Man was but a common lad.

Indeed, Elmo is a constant presence at The Common Man's house. He's on the TV and The Boy's feet (in slipper form) every morning; his effervecent giggles and tones are heard reverborating through the house at various times during the day, as the boy tickles his Tickle Me Elmo and squeezes his programmable, child-specific, Elmo supercomputer doll; and in various volumes and tomes of Sesame-related reading. Along the way, The Common Man has managed to acquire a fairly decent Elmo-impression.

Anyway, the creative team behind the Elmo phenomenon has brought tremendous joy to The Boy and, transitively, to his parents who get to watch him sing "la, la, la, la, Elmo's World" every morning. And The Common Man is appreciative. And surprised. With a little digging, The Common Man was incredibly amused to find out that the voice and the hand behind Elmo is this man, actor and puppeteer Kevin Clash.

And so, Kevin Clash is this week's Beacon of Manhood. This is a man who goes to work every day, and willingly talks in this voice. All to amuse millions of tiny little people. Sure, he's presumably made millions of dollars for it, but for choosing to abuse his masculinity in the service of others he deserves additional compensation. This is a man who must have big bronze...self confidence...to be so comfortable in his manhood.

All's Fair...

See, this is more like it. The Common Man drove around this morning, doing the things that The Common Man does, and gets his pants scared off by an NPR interview about Pakistan. According to Prof. Christine Fair, a senior political scientist at the RAND Corporation, in the U.S.'s post-9/11 mucking about, government officials have settled on Pakistan on the one best chance to fight off radicalism in the Muslim world. This policy is complicated by Pakistan's continuing attempts to support some extremists groups, but not others (an unsuccessful strategy Fair describes as "moderating extremism") and its gross corruption (in which high-value targets have been warned ahead of an impending attack by members of the Pakistani government and in which its new President, Asif Ali Zardari, has earned the nickname "Mr. Ten-Percent").

The danger lies in supporting a regime that has done and likely will do little to curb the threat posed by a resurgent Taliban and al Quaeda, and in putting all of the U.S.'s foreign diplomacy eggs into Pakistan's basket. By not engaging in diplomacy with Iran, who actually supported the U.N. effort to oust the Taliban, or any of Afghanistan's other neighbors, regarding the situation in Afghanistan, and in not engaging in an aid program designed to build up the citizenry in Pakistan, the U.S. has left itself vulnerable position with regard to its fight in Afghanistan. In order to resupply troops and bring in aid there, the U.S. is entirely reliant upon Pakistan, whose position is complicated and tenuous, and increased instability could make the war prohibitively expensive and dangerous to maintain, particularly as the U.S. takes public relations hits related to civilian casualties.

It's telling that it takes Fair an hour to truly delve into Pakistan, a nation of contrasts. They're an ally, but the sworn enemy of another great U.S. ally (India). They've commited resources and manpower to the fight against al Quaeda, but encourage terrorists in Kashmere who interact with the same terrorist groups they're fighting. They have a quasi-democracy, but the country's elites all seem to alienate the average citizenry and use their elected positions to entrench themselves and oppose democratic and anti-corruption reform. And it's not until the end that Fair gets to the truly disturbing notion that, frankly, no one knows enough about Pakistan to adequately explain where the Taliban and al Quaeda are getting the weapons they're using to terrorize the populace and fight the government.

Anyway, it's well worth listening to, as Fair is engaging and adept at making the intricacies of Pakistan understandable, and The Common Man is providing the link here. And in doing so, ask yourself whether fear and caution are manly traits. The Common Man doesn't mean abject, irrational fear, of course. But it seems to The Common Man that adequate fear leads to adequate caution and adequate preparation for risk. And isn't a huge part of being a responsible man (and a Boy Scout, The Common Man assumes, though he bounced out of Cub Scouts after a year of Webelos), being prepared? The Common Man wishes that America's foreign policy was being carried out by men and women with a proper level of fear about Pakistan, and would take precautions to make sure that, should something go wrong, the U.S. is not out of moves.

The Common Man plans to send this information to Connie and Fish and see if they (and their listeners) can help.