Recasting the Net

A big hat-tip to Shysterball for pointing out wezen-ball's terrific recap of the classic "Homer at the Bat" episode of The Simpsons (wezen-ball is quickly becoming a must-read for The Common Man and has just been added to the blogroll). In the episode, Mr. Burns brings in a bunch of real-life ballplayers as ringers to help his company softball team. On the way to the game, however, almost all of them are waylaid (except for Darryl Strawberry, who plays Homer's position).


This got The Common Man to wondering, if a sequel for the episode (Springfield Softball Goes to Japan?) were recast today, who would be on Mr. Burns' roster (besides Cap Anson)? It would have to be a player with the right mixture of ability, notoriety, and mockability. Here are The Common Man's picks, followed by how The Common Man figures they'd be held up on the way to the game, as well as the original player for that position and what happened to him. Then feel free to use the comments section to pick apart The Common Man's choices or suggest your own.

Catcher
Joe Mauer--With his polite demeaner and his matinee idol good looks (except for that weird mole that he should probably get looked at), Joe is the living embodiment of Corey, the non-threatening boy Lisa gets obsessed with calling in "Brother From the Same Planet" (here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, montessori). The Common Man imagines an unhinged Lisa would trick Joe into the Simpsons' basement, where he'd be forced to stay until Lisa became interested in bad boy Nelson Munce or settled for Milhouse.
(Position was initially filled by Mike Scioscia, who contracted radiation poisoning from working at the plant.)

First base
Prince Fielder--More on Prince below. See The Common Man's note for Starting Pitcher
(Position was initially filled by Don Mattingly, who Mr. Burns kicked off the team for having (apparently imaginary) sideburns.)

Second Base
Dustin Pedroia--An incredibly effective young player, Pedroia has picked up some major hardware in his first two seasons, winning the AL Rookie of the Year and MVP award. And he seems to be a relatively good citizen. However, to distract from another of his many illicit affairs, Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby will be crusading against illegal immigrants, and deport Pedroia back to the Red Sox Nation.
(Position was initially filled by Steve Sax, who was arrested by Springfield police for every unsolved crime in New York City. (Sax was playing for the Yankees at the time.))

Third Base
Alex Rodriguez--Who is more mockable or famous in the majors today than A-Rod? The Common Man imagines that, like Don Mattingly, Mr. Burns would kick A-Rod off the team, probably because he failed to fulfill the old man's high expectations. His homeruns weren't going far enough, or he was only able to field his position, and not cover SS or LF as well. Or maybe he was involved in a Princess Diana-esque/Paparrazzi-caused car accident.
(Position was initially filled by Wade Boggs, who was knocked out by Barney in Moe's Tavern during an argument over who was Britain's greatest Prime Minister (Pitt the Elder or Lord Palmerston). By the way, no one seems to get that this argument mimics exactly the kind of idiotic, who was the greatest RF of all time arguments that lead to stupid fights in local dives around the country.)

Shortstop
Derek Jeter--See, and he'd have to take over some of SS because of Cap'n Jete's poor range. And, by the way, maybe Jeter is even more famous and mockable. Like Jose Canseco before him, Jeter would get caught up doing good deeds, rescuing kittens from a fire or hammering out peace in the Mid-East or tending to the sick of Calcutta or whatever else Yankee fans think Jeter does on his off days.
(Position was initially filled by Ozzie Smith, who fell into the Springfield Mystery Spot while sightseeing and who is, presumably, still falling.)

Leftfield
Manny--Make that two players who are more famous and mockable than A-Rod right now. Manny, because he's not busy at the moment, would make it to the game on time (like Darryl Strawberry before him, and start in place of Homer. Once again, Homer would be called on to pinch hit in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, two out, and the game tied because Manny is in the bathroom or chasing a firetruck or something.
(Position was initially filled by Jose Canseco, who (playing against type) got busy rescuing a woman, her child, her cat, and all her possessions from a burning house.)

Centerfield
Ken Griffey Jr.--As the last active player from the original episode, The Kid would be invited back to reprise his role in the sequel. Healed from his gigantism, Mr. Burns would have high hopes for the former prodigy. Unfortunately, Griffey would tear a groin muscle in his sleep and miss the game.
(Griffey missed the game the first time around after taking a nerve tonic given to him by Mr. Burns that causes gigantism.)

Rightfield
Ichiro!--Hmmm...Perhaps he commits industrial espionage (or steals signs) for the rival Japanese team. And gets kicked off. Or maybe he refuses to play against his countrymen and commits seppuku.
(Position was initially filled by Darryl Strawberry, who was the only player to play in the game, and took Homer's spot in the lineup. After hitting several homeruns, Strawberry was lifted for a pinch hitter (Homer) with the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth during a tie game because Burns wanted a right-handed batter to face the lefty pitcher.)

Pitcher
CC Sabathia--The Common Man envisions CC and Prince Fielder going out the night before and getting into some kind of eating constest that is still ongoing as the game starts the next day. Perhaps they're each tackling the Sir Loin-a-lot that killed old Red Barclay (too obscure?). By the way, who would win that contest? Either way, Tony Randall would have crushed them both (again, too obscure?). Below, of course, is Sabathia and Fielder trying to eat one another.


(Position was initially filled by Roger Clemens, who was hypnotized into thinking he was a chicken (though, arguably, that's better than a PED-user who cultivates relationships and sleeps with teenagers).

OK, your suggestions are welcome below.

Failing a Test

Well, The Common Man loves The Simpsons, even though good new episodes are few and far between these days, and he's seen the best that the mid- to late-nineties had to offer at least half a dozen times over the years. Even though, as time passes, he gradually turns into Homer, The Common Man particularly loves Bart and the youthful pranks and shenanigans the scamp gets into (who doesn't love Bart and Milhouse finding $20, getting squishy-drunk, and accidentally becoming Boy Scouts?). You see, The Common Man can take a joke.

Which is why The Common Man chuckled yesterday when, while watching The Simpsons and making dinner for The Boy, he saw the following ad for John McCain and Sarah Palin:



That's hilarious, The Common Man thought, that a candidate who has been thoroughly vetted would have somehow advocated sex-ed for kindergardeners and no one had noticed. Good one, John McCain! You, sir, are a man of great humor.

Then, of course, The Common Man realized that McCain wasn't joking. McCain's ad was seriously putting forth the idea that Barak Obama, the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, wanted kids "learning about sex before learning to read." This is elevating the national dialogue about politics, suggesting that Barak Obama is the inappropriate uncle you don't invite to parties anymore?

Obviously, McCain's assertion is not true. According to FactCheck.org, the legislation McCain's ad discusses "does not support explicit sex education for kindergarteners. And the bill...would have allowed only "age appropriate" material and a no-questions-asked opt-out policy for parents." The primary purpose of the clause addressing kindergardeners, according to The Washington Post, "was to make them aware of the risk of inappropriate touching and sexual predators." So, if John McCain wants to make a campaign issue out of Barak Obama's attempts to keep kindergardeners safe from child molestors, good luck with that. McCain has no young children, so perhaps that's not a concern for him.

Indeed, education as a whole seems to be less of a concern for John McCain. McCain speaks highly of No Child Left Behind, a disappointing program (at best) that has hamstrung school districts and states by not delivering promised funding, cut off student choices, and encouraged an alarming increase in student drop-out rates. Indeed, according to the New York Sun, McCain has "embraced a national effort, led by the New York City schools chancellor, Joel Klein, to expand No Child Left Behind's philosophy of using test scores to zero in on and eliminate


failing schools, principals, and teachers." Yet, as McCain has not proposed any additional federal education funding, one wonders exactly how he will pay for it.

He is also a proponent of allowing students from failing schools to transfer into other available schools in the area. This sounds good in theory, until you keep in mind that schools have a finite amount of space to hold new students and many areas of the country (particularly rural communities that have extremely limited educational opportunities). Choice is not the panacea it seems when there is no real choice to make, after all.


What is most disappointing about this entire fiasco, however, is that McCain's ad comes from someone The Common Man respects. His moral compass is supposed to be truer than that. And the fact that he resorts to such trickery only underscores the notion that John McCain realizes he has nothing substantive to add to the debate on education. Nothing he'd like to say about his own proposals. Nothing worth talking about. He has become the snide child in the back of the class, making fun of the smart guy trying to deliver his book report. And that's...just... It's sad what John McCain has become.