Giving Crede-it Where Crede-it Is Due

The Common Man was supposed to be heading back to the homeland today, driving at a safe, but breakneck pace on the highways and byways of this great country. Unfortunately, he, The Uncommon Wife, and The Boy forgot to check their plans with mother nature, who dumped a mess of snow in between them and their destination. And that's why The Common Man was out shoveling today, and why he's resting on the couch now, nursing a sore back. Damn you snowplows and your incessent plowing that dumps an extra ton of snow on the end of The Common Man's driveway.

It's also the reason The Common Man got to read about the Twins signing former White Sox 3B Joe Crede today for a bargain basement contract. Since Corey Koskie left in 2004, third base has been a revolving door of disappointment. Michael Cuddyer, Terry Tiffee, Luis Rodriguez, Juan Castro, Glenn Williams, Nick Punto, Tony Batista, Brian Buscher, Jeff Cirillo, Tommy Watkins, Mike Lamb, Brendan Harris, Matt Tolbert, Matt Macri, Howie Clark, and one game of Michael Ryan. Crede doesn't figure to be anything more than a one year solution, but Minnesota 3B have hit .260/.318/.372 since Koskie left town and Crede (provided he's healthy) should easily eclipse that. And he provides Gold Glove caliber defense to boot.

Now, about his health. Crede has been suffering from a chronic back problem for much of his career, and has eclipsed 500 plate appearances only three times in the past six seasons. It's likely he may have trouble this year as well. That said, his contract is structured to pay just $2.5 million in base salary, with playing-time incentives that could push the contract to $7 million, and the Twins will have a potentially productive Brian Buscher and Brendan Harris platoon as a fallback position (by the way, if Crede plays enough to reaach his incentives, The Common Man predicts an excellent season for the Twins this year, perhaps another division title).

In the meantime, Crede's signing gives the Twins some additional roster flexibility (as they won't have to carry two primary 3B), added power, and a big upgrade on defense. It also, however, adds to the team's lack of patience, a glaring problem for the past several seasons. And if the Twins fade from contention early, Crede's contract should be easily tradable at the deadline. For now, the Twins' acquisition of Crede means that they have to clear some roster space. If the rumored deal for Juan Cruz is really happening, the Twins could send one or more of their young pitchers (especially those out of options like Bonser or Humber) to Arizona in a sign-and-trade.

It's a good deal, an acceptable risk, a welcome change from the Twins usual veteran acquisitions (Livan Hernandez, Juan Castro, Tony Batista, Rondell White, Sidney Ponson, and Ramon Ortiz), in that Crede represents a player with a realistic upside.

Random-a$$ Thursday: Buck Coats

Every Thursday, from here on out, The Common Man is going to head over to the old baseballreference.com, and hit their "random" link. At that point, The Common Man plans to write about whatever or whoever comes up on his screen, be it a player, schedule, award, team page, or whatever. Perhaps in keeping with the random theme, The Common Man's first attempt led to some unexpected results. The Common Man thought he'd be directed to someone old and obscure, like Bob Kline or Harry Steinfeldt. Instead, he found Buck Coats, a contemporary outfielder who's currently on Toronto's 40-man roster.

In three years, for three teams, Coats has 62 plate appearances and a .193/.242/.333 hitting line. And he's not doing much in the minors to distinguish himself either, posting a mediocre OBP and very little power. He's entering his age-27 season and there's little reason to think that he's got any more growth in him. He is what he is, a fifth outfielder who can handle CF, has a little speed, and might post an OBP in the .340s if he's given a chance to play. He'll presumably hang around as AAA filler for a few more seasons, getting a few at bats here and there, before finally hanging up his spikes when he's 30 or so.

It's really not all that fun to talk about 5th outfielders (at best) behind their backs, though, so let's talk about his name. According to baseballreference, Buck is not a nickname, but the actual moniker given to Buck by presumably loving parents. Loyal readers know how angry The Common Man gets with parents who can't be bothered to name their children well, and while "Buck" falls short of being an egregious name, it's no winner either these days. If he happened into the nickname, like James Melvin "Buck" Becannon or Ralph "Buck" Buxton, The Common Man would understand. In fact, there are 57 ballplayers and managers on baseballreference who were called either Buck or Bucky. Plus, there's Buck Leonard of the Negro Leagues. There's a Billy Buck (Bill Buckner), one Buckeye (Don Grate), four Buckshots (Glenn Wright, John Skopec, William May and Tommy Brown), and a Bucketfoot Al (Simmons). And the list is even missing Brian "Buck" Buchanan, who looked like he might make something of himself with the Twins in the early part of this decade. But of all these players, only Coats is actually named Buck. Given that he was born in Fort Benning, Georgia, maybe it's a cultural thing. But still, you've got the option, as a parent, of giving your child a decent name, and then saddling them with an embarrassing nickname. Why not give your boy the option of becoming a doctor or a lawyer before you consign him to work at the full-service gas station? The Common Man supposes it's lucky that Coats stumbled into the only other career where it's socially acceptable to be named Buck.

Anyway, this Buck is nowhere near the best Buck on the list. The top honor probably belongs to Leonard, who played with Josh Gibson on the Homestead Grays, won the Negro League batting title in 1948 (hitting .391), and played in 11 East-West all star games in his 17 years. After him, it's probably either Buck Ewing, who posted a 129 OPS+ as a catcher from 1880-1897 or Zack "Buck" Wheat (get it?), who also posted a 129 OPS+ for the Brooklyn Dodgers between 1909 and 1927. Other notable Bucks include Grant "Buck" Jackson, a journeyman reliever from 1965-1982 who made the NL All Star team for Philly in '69; former MVP and nine-time All Star 1B Frank "Buck" McCormick, who had a 118 OPS+ from 1934-1948; former MVP and six-time All Star SP Bucky Walters, who won 198 games, won 20 games three times, and had a 115 ERA+ from 1934-1950. Plus, there's Louis Norman "Bobo" "Buck?" Newsome, who went 211-222 for his career with an ERA+ of 105, a four-time All Star and three-time 20 game winner (and two-time 20 game loser) from 1929-1953 (but The Common Man isn't sure he can count Buck when he already has one awesome nickname). And Bucky Harris, who was a decent 2B for the Senators and played from 1919-1931, but who made it to the Hall of Fame as a manager. And, of course, Bucky F-ing Dent. And the infamous Buck Weaver of the Black Sox Scandal.

Taken together, the Bucks and Buckys have a lifetime record of 624-661, with a 3.95 ERA. The non-pitchers (The Common Man removed the pitchers so as not to skew the totals and considered Bucky Walters a pitcher for simplicity's sake) batted .278 with 15,933 hits, 646 home runs, and 6989 RBI.

Coats will probably end up somewhere between the awesomely named "Buck" Thrasher, who hit .255/.295/.330 (92 OPS+) for the Philadelphia A's over two seasons in the deadball era and Buck Redfern, who hit .218/.255/.257 (35 OPS+) for the White Sox in the '20s.

Finally, if history is any indication, Coats may have a managerial career in his future, as a disproportionate number of Bucks seem to end up at the helm. There's the aforementioned Harris, Ewing, Walters, and Dent, Buck Showalter, Buck Rodgers, Buck Herzog, and Buck Martinez. Their nicknames must give them some kind of folksy-wise vibe that team owners can't help but resist. Their combined record is 4694-4737 for a .498 winning percentage. They've won two division titles (Showalter), three pennants (all Harris), and two World Series (Harris again). And one of them (Rodgers) was fired from a team that won the pennant (Harvey Kuenn took over the '82 Brewers).

Political Animals

It's good to know that Republicans have tax problems as well. In September, The Washington Post reported that then Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin had billed her home state for nearly $17,000 in meals and living expenses, while choosing to live at home in Wasilla, rather than in the Governor's Mansion in Juneau. When the money caused some political drama in the campaign, Palin's administration asked the government's financial offices to treat the money as income. And because of this, the IRS is sending Palin a new W-2 and a letter instructing her to pay back taxes on the seventeen large. Palin spokesman Bill McAllister told CNN that Palin, "will abide by all IRS regulations and rulings and will pay what she owes. That number, though, is not a matter of public record." And he's right. It doesn't matter what the taxes are as long as they're paid, and it sounds like Palin's doing the right thing here (after doing the wrong thing before, but still...). It's just nice to know that the Democrats aren't alone.

Speaking of Palin, The Common Man wouldn't feel right if he didn't praise young Bristol Palin for her interview on Fox News the other day. Palin discussed her decision to have her son, emphasized that being a young mom can be a slog, and broke with her mother's support of abstinence-only education. Bristol told Van Sustren that simply telling children to refrain from sex is "not realistic at all." The interview was Bristol's idea, and she told her parents about it the day before it happened and that she wanted to use the opportunity to be "an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy because it's not, like, a situation that you would want to strive for, I guess." The most disappointing part of the interview was Sarah Palin's intrusion. Apparently not trusting her daughter to answer the softball questions Van Sustren was lobbing in there, Palin shows up a few minutes into the interview and proceeds to refuse to give her daughter any opportunity to answer the questions. Look, The Common Man knows that parents are inherently protective of their young. And he knows that the governor has (marginally) more experience dealing with the media than her daughter. But if you can't trust FoxNews, Sarah Palin, who can you trust? You ended up standing awkwardly in a hotel room for 10 minutes, rambling, while your poor daughter had to sit there thinking, "God, Mom, stop embarrassing me on national TV." And seriously, Bristol was doing fine before you came in and turned the interview into a train wreck. But your paranoid need for spin control turned what could have been a triumphant moment for your daughter into another funny Sarah Palin clip. Good job. Bristol, Grandma there's ready for the home.

See! The Common Man totally told you so.

But Travis wasn't the only monkey causing trouble in the last couple days. The New York Post ran a cartoon today (click this link to see it, The Common Man can't find it to reprint here) that may or may not have been referring to Barack Obama as a monkey. The cartoon tried to combine the runaway Stamford chimp story from yesterday (already The Common Man can tell you that this cartoon is in bad taste. Dude, a woman got her face half-torn off. You stay classy, NY Post.) with the federal stimulus bill championed and passed by Barack Obama. The Common Man is willing to give the Post a pass on the racism charges, assuming they meant that the stimulus bill was so bad it had to have been written by a team of trained monkeys. Rather, the Post is guilty of bad satire. The two stories seem to have nothing to do with one another, and it takes a significant amount of explanation to get from one to the other. The cartoon isn't inexcusable because it's racist. It's inexcusable because it's terrible and opaque. Seriously, even the New Yorker's cartoons make sense if you think about them. This one, the more you think about it, the less it makes any kind of logical sense. Which basically reinforces two of The Common Man's sweeping generalities that he's going to assume are true in any and all cases: conservatives are not funny and the New York Post is for idiots.

Around the Horn

It sounds like Shysterball's 25 baseball things idea has really taken off. And now Rob Neyer, the Zen master himeself, is threatening to jump in. The Common Man looks forward to reading everyone's. If you don't have a blog, feel free to use the comments section here to post them, or if you do have a list up somewhere, feel free to leave a link (they certainly don't have to be as The Common Man's). If there isone thing that The Common Man thinks you and he can agree on (unless your name is BikeMonkey), it's that it's awfully fun to listen to why other people love the game and to compare it to our experiences. So share and enjoy.

Speaking of BikeMonkey, The Common Man feels badly that he's not down with teh baseballz. But really, The Common Man doesn't understand how anyone can not like baseball. The Dentist, The Common Man's little brother, hated baseball when he was a boy, choosing soccer instead like the rest of his friends. But with the wisdom of age, The Dentist has come to love watching the game, and follows it with nowhere near the intensity of his big bro. But it's still a big step. The Common Man doesn't know why BikeMonkey's such a stick in the mud, but most people who profess to hate the game claim that it's boring and slow. The prefer the up and down action of basketball or the explosiveness of football. Meanwhile, baseball is often a slow build, like a truly good film or song, adding tension and excitement as the game progresses until it reaches a fever pitch in the late innings. In between, it's a collection of exciting moments that are largely disconnected from one another. It takes a sophisitcation and appreciation of the finest things to appreciate baseball. A knowing patience. And because of this patience and willingness to wait for the final payoff, The Common Man likes to believe that baseball fans make the best lovers. Generous and willing to prolong the experience, baseball fans aren't interested in the quick and dirty slam-bam-thank-you-mamn (or sir), but the drawn out, tantalizing prospect of making love. All night. Isaac Hayes style. The Common Man does not say this to disparage BikeMonkey, who The Common Man knows has the ability to appreciate and love the game, but to challenge him.

Meanwhile, The Common Man feels bad not a whit for MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, who told reporters Monday, "I don't want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to [steroids in baseball] or he didn't care about it. That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I'm sensitive to the criticism." Bud's been awfully quick to slough off responsibility for the steroid era in the past, and to dump it on the players (who, deserve a large share of the blame, no doubt). But to eschew responsibility entirely is childish and disingenuous. No Mommy, Little Bud has no idea how the lamp got broken. He admits, "A lot of people say we should have done this or that, and I understand that. They ask me, 'How could you not know?' and I guess in the retrospect of history, that's not an unfair question" but goes on to equivocate and tout his past failed attempts to get a drug policy (starting in 1995, if Bud is to be believed). But here's the thing, those attempts were brought up in private negotiations and used as a bargaining chip. At some point, what Selig doesn't say is, he decided that wringing an extra year of player control or a slightly lower major league minimum or a bigger share of the broadcasting rights was worth trading for the testing. Mark The Common Man's words, if Bud Selig and Major League Baseball had truly wanted and was committed to institute a steroid testing policy in 1995, they could have gotten it. So for Bud Selig to say today that he's not to blame for the steroid era is, frankly, silly. There's plenty of blame to go around. The players, the owners, the union the management, the media, the fans, and the commissioner all share various amounts of it. So man up, Bud, and face the fact that you exchanged doping for dollars years ago, and are just now reaping the consequences of that choice. If you're happy to accept praise for the decision to expand the playoffs, start the MLB Network, and grow revenues, you must be willing to accept the littlest bit of responsibility for your stunning ability to look the other way.

The Common Man wants to add his congratulations to Sean Foreman, the founder and creator of baseballreference.com for selling a minority stake in his website and business to Fantasy Sports Ventures. Baseball Reference is a tremendous resource that any serious baseball fan needs to be using, like, all the time and it will play a large role in tomorrow's post (oh, see how The Common Man teases you).


No one is more deserving of the big payday than Sean for providing such an awesome free service to the public.

25 Things

Shysterball had an interesting idea today, applying the Facebook 25 random things meme model to baseball. He writes, "Don't feel the need to do it yourself, but if you do, I'd like to read it, whether it be in your own writing space if you're a columnist or blogger-type, or simply in the comments or in an email if you're a civilian." Sounds like a great idea to The Common Man, who is desperate for some excuse not to have to watch ARod's press conference. So here goes:

1) The Common Man grew up in Minnesota, and has a deep and unabashed love for Kirby Puckett. This love was tested when Puckett explored free agency after ’92 (or was it '94?) and seemed poised to go to the Red Sox, but was reinforced when Puckett decided to stay. It was tested again when the news broke that, frankly, Puckett was not a very nice man and did some inexcusable things to his wife, girlfriend, and random waitresses. However, The Common Man ultimately decided that the joy Puckett brought to his life for twelve seasons means more to him than the sad downfall of a troubled and flawed man, and that he’ll let the good times overshadow the bad.

2) The first time The Common Man saw the Metrodome was when he and his parents were driving on 35W, past downtown Minneapolis. The Common Man must have been 5 or so. When he saw a neat looking building with a colorful chimney, he pointed to it and asked his mother if that was the Metrodome. Mistakenly thinking her son was pointing to the big white baggy behind it, she said yes, it was. And that’s how, for 2-3 years, The Common Man thought the Valspar Paint building was the Metrodome.

3) Similarly, when he was little, The Common Man thought Kirby Puckett was a tall white guy who played right field, and Tom Brunansky was a short, black man who played center. His favorite player was Tom Brunansky, but he still doesn’t really know whether he meant the real Tom Brunansky (because his name sounded awesome) or the fake Tom Brunansky (who really was awesome).


Now, who wouldn't make that mistake?

4) The first game The Common Man remembers going to was on June 28, 1989. Frank Viola faced off against Dave Stewart and pitched a shutout. The Common Man knows he was there for games in ’88 though, because he has the programs (and scored the game in them).

5) The Common Man was taught to score by his grandfather, for whom The Boy is named. However, his grandfather taught The Common Man to score wrong (according to everyone else who’s been consulted on this matter). Nevertheless, The Common Man scores games the same way still, since no one but he will ever get to see all those programs and scorecards (except for The Boy, who will be taught the system by then).

6) The Common Man’s best friend since sixth grade, Bill, had season tickets with his family in the ‘90s, and they used to take The Common Man to the game a half-dozen times a year or so. The Common Man has felt indebted to his friend ever since and one day, when he’s rich and famous, The Common Man is going to give his friend a pair of season tickets for a year.

7) The most fun The Common Man has ever had at a baseball game was April 24, 1993, when the Detroit Tigers beat the Twins at the Dome 17-1. Pat Mahomes gave up 10 runs in 2 and 2/3 innings. Bill and The Common Man kept rooting for Rob Deer to get up and strike out (he never did, but Kirk Gibson K’ed three times. The game started with 34,504 fans in the stands, and basically ended with two, The Common Man and Bill. It’s amazing how fun baseball can be even when you stop caring about the outcome.

8) The Common Man has been to eight major league stadiums, the Metrodome, Fenway Park, Wrigley Field, PNC Park (Pittsburgh), Safeco Field (Seattle), US Cellular Field (New Comiskey, Chicago), Miller Park (Milwaukee), and L’Stade Olympique (Montreal). By far the nicest park was PNC. By far the best experience was sitting in the RF bleachers for a Yankee/ Red Sox game (“Knoblauch is such a troll. How do you pitch to that f-in’ troll?” and “O’Neill is GAY!” were some of the tamer things The Common Man heard that night.). A close second is in Montreal, where The Common Man had an entire section to himself in leftfield, and he and the other 8,000 fans would make noise by slamming the empty seat next to them down as hard as they could.


9) The Common Man has visited 11 minor league stadiums in Tuscon (Rockies), Scottsdale (Giants), Mesa (Cubs), Midway Stadium (St. Paul Saints), Beloit (Twins), Erie (Tigers), Williamsport (Pirates), State College (Pirates), Portland (Red Sox), and Elmira (Elmira Pioneers), Binghamton (Mets). The best experience was in Elmira, where he and Bill were two of, like, 12 people in attendance and knew the players could hear them. Meeting Steve Balboni in Erie is a close second.

10) The back yard of The Common Man’s boyhood home was huge and was vaguely baseball field shaped. Every summer in elementary school, The Common Man and James Watson would put out some bases, a plate, and a pitching rubber, and play two-man baseball all day long. Usually, The Common Man let James be the Twins, while he’d be the Cubs (because The Common Man liked to hit like Jerome Walton). The Common Man would get crushed every time. For some reason, James would start Al Newman at 2B all the time and invariably James as Al Newman would hit, like, three homeruns. Anyway, as time went on, and The Common Man grew more powerful and sophisticated, The Common Man and Bill took to playing home run derby with tennis balls in the back yard. Any ball that hit the branches of a tree on the fly or left the yard altogether was a homer. Anything else was an out. Again, The Common Man generally got clobbered. But there are a lot of pine trees in that back yard with a lot of tennis balls stuck in their branches. Someday, those trees will come down, and the landscapers are going to be bewildered by the old, cracked tennis balls rolling around on the ground.

11) The Common Man was a clubhouse manager for a couple of years for a minor league team. It was a tremendous experience and he hopes to write a book based on it some day (without violating anyone’s confidence). But the book will prominently feature a tall Dominican reliever who enters the clubhouse every day yelling “Hellooooooh beeetches,” drinks in the bullpen from a mysterious nalgene bottle of clear liquid, and pees on the groundskeepers’ shack.

12) As a result of the Clubhouse gig, The Common Man is really good at doing laundry, but will die before he scrubs another dirt and grass stain out of a pair of baseball pants. Takes…for…ever.

13) Also as a result of being the clubhouse manager, The Common Man has sung the National Anthem twice at a minor league game.

14) As previously mentioned in this space, when he was at TwinsFest, The Common Man got Bert Blyleven to call and talk to his grandmother on a cell. She is still talking about it. Thanks Bert.

15) In Little League, The Common Man always thought he’d make a hell of a shortstop (probably because he was so short. Sadly, a complete inability to hit (and a reluctance to even swing the bat) made that career path unlikely. Still, The Common Man was a hell of a fielder, and actually a good baserunner (when he did get on base). During one glorious summer, The Common Man managed to hit .300 and have an OBP somewhere north of .400. He stole every base he could, including home on several occasions when the catcher threw the ball back to the pitcher.

16) That trick didn’t work as well in Babe Ruth League, where daring and exciting plays became disappointing baserunning blunders.

17) The Common Man also thought he might be able to pitch a little, but never had anything approaching a talent for it. Still, The Common Man remembers one moment of glory when, after loading the bases with two outs, he dropped down sidearm to get a called third strike on a surprised Brian Giguere (ha, ha, suck it, Giguere!). Of course, this convinced The Common Man that he’d found a new trick, and he proceeded to try to mix in the sidearm. However, repeated attempts to drop down sidearm led to several walks, hit batsmen, hit baseballs, and general suckiness. Experiment unsuccessful.

18) The Common Man missed most of the 1987 World Series because his parents made him go to bed. He’s still bitter. All he remembers seeing was Lawless’s home run. As a result, the first real “magical” baseball moment he remembers seeing was Gibson’s homer in ’88. The Common Man was rooting for the Dodgers because he didn’t like the A’s, who his parents were rooting for (“because it will make the Twins look better”).

19) The Common Man stayed up for every freaking inning in 1991, no matter how late Game 3 went. The most exciting single moment of The Common Man’s life (that did not involve The Uncommon Wife or The Boy) was Puckett’s homerun in Game 6. Number 2 was Larkin’s hit in Game 7. Speaking of which, if Hrbek says it was an accident, who is The Common Man to doubt him?


20) Part of The Common Man feels responsible for the Twins’ big win in ’91. In the basement, he found a bunch of old, long-necked, 16 oz. glass bottles of Coke just before the series started. So, during each game, he would sit and drink one (and only one) while it was going on. He wouldn’t move from the lucky spot on the couch in the family room, no matter how badly he needed to pee. And the ritual paid off. Logically, he knows he didn’t do anything, but still… Thank God it was a comfortable couch.

21) Like most of you, The Common Man collected baseball cards in the ‘80s and early ‘90s. His first set was the ’87 Topps with the wood borders. He kept getting Topps until ’93. He’s also got a couple Fleer and Donruss sets. And he’s got the first three sets of Upper Deck. In all, he has more than 13,000 baseball cards in his basement that The Uncommon Wife would love to get rid of but tolerates because she loves her man.

22) The Common Man never traded a baseball card in his life, nor sold one. He thought he might get into that a while back, and bought the ’86 Fleer set with Bonds’ rookie card the year Barry was chasing the single season record, and a 2nd year Pete Rose card in good condition the year Rose put out his confession book. He figured he’d capitalize on the publicity and make a profit on the backs of a couple of players he didn’t particularly like. But, like the rest of his stuff, once The Common Man had them, he couldn’t let them go. So they’re in the basement too.

23) The Common Man has played in OOTP leagues, DMB leagues, and a couple of traditional fantasy leagues in his day. He’s currently cut back to just one DMB league, but wants to ramp up to more next season. He prefers DMB, but really likes the realism of OOTP.

24) There is still a framed poster of Frank Viola hanging on the wall of The Common Man’s bedroom at his parents’ house. It was purchased in 1989 right before the trade. Oops, lesson learned.

25) The Common Man has two Twins jersey-ish t-shirts. One has Mauer’s name and number on the back, the other has Santana’s. When The Common Man is happy with the Twins, he’ll wear the Mauer shirt. If he’s unhappy with the Twins, he’ll wear Santana.

So that's it. The Common Man is interested to read everyone else's too.

When Animals Attack

Pets. They are a joy, aren't they? They are loyal, love you unconditionally, do cute stuff like lie on their backs with their feet in the air. Of course, as The Common Man will one day explain to The Boy, pets are a responsibility. They must be walked, and fed, and cared for. And the more exotic a pet you have, the more exotic its needs are going to be, and the more exotic the challenges they will pose to their owner. Most people, sadly, think "ooh, cool, I could own a python" or "I've always wanted to have a Bengal tiger, here's my chance" before properly investigating whether they have the proper living space conducive to a 25 foot long snake (that could eat you if you become incapacitated) or the $10,000 per month it takes to feed and house said tiger (and as history has demonstrated, Siegried and Roy aren't always going to be there to bail out your ass on that).

Sadly, these points seem to have been lost on Sandra Harold of Stamford, CT, who kept a 200 lbs chimpanzee named Travis as her bestest friend and constant companion until yesterday. Travis had been a minor celebrity, starring in Coke and Old Navy ads, and by all accounts was trained. Yet, that didn't stop him from sending one of Harold's friends to the hospital. According to CNN,

Charla Nash, 55, had just arrived at her friend Sandra Herold's house when the chimp, named Travis, jumped on her and began biting and mauling her, causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands, according to Stamford Police Capt. Rich Conklin, who said the attack was unprovoked.

Herold had called Nash to her house to help get 14-year-old Travis back inside after he used a key to escape.

While her friend was being attacked, Herold tried to pull the primate off her, but was unsuccessful.

She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel. Neither fazed Travis, who police said was like a child to Herold.

Nash remains in critical condition today with what Stamford's mayor called life-changing, if not life-threatening" injuries. And this isn't the first time that Travis has caused trouble in Stamford. In 2003, Travis escaped from his owner's car and "played" around downtown Stamford for two hours that officers could have spent dealing with real crime.

The trouble, it would seem, is that Harold, and other pet owners, forget that their exotic pets are still, very much, wild animals no matter how much they try to anthropomorphize them.
After the 2003 incident, according to the AP, Harold told police, "the chimpanzee was toilet trained, dressed himself, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth using a Water Pik, logged onto the computer to look at pictures, and watched television using the remote control." That's great, but he's also, you know, a chimpanzee. And sometimes animals act like animals. Like these two chimps who, in 2005, escaped from California Animal Haven and mauled a man's face and mutilated his genitals (seriously, a chimp gnawed off his testicles. worst...pain...ever. even worse than when they tore off his foot). Once again, say it with The Common Man: CHIMPS ARE NOT PEOPLE! And neither is your pet snake, alligator, ostrich, or pot-belly pig. Don't treat them like they are, and definitely don't let them escape and come over to The Common Man's house. Because he likes alligator tail in chipotle-honey-vidalia onion sauce, and loves bacon. And he's pretty sure he could get to like snake or ostrich too, if it were fried with some garlic.

The Common Man is big on personal responsibility and believes that pet owners whose animals represent a threat to public safety, such as the owners whose dogs run wild attack neighbor children (in all honesty, that's why Ralph the Evil Dog is not allowed out of the house without his leash; if you own an unfriendly pet, you have to be constantly aware of the ethical and legal responsibilities associated with it) should be charged with felonies when their pets maul others. And he believes that the trade of exotic animals needs to be restricted more severely than it is now. Sure, it'd be nice if people were smarter about the pets they get, but if The Common Man learned anything from watching Idiocracy, it's that people are stupid (but it's got electrolytes). So it's important to keep the dangerous pets away from the dullards. Stricter regulation on these animals is probably the only way to keep the chimps, tigers, ferrets, snakes, water buffalo, and bears from breaking down The Common Man's door one of these days, looking to maul his handsome face or tear off his mighty testicles.

The Road Less Traveled

One of the biggest stories this offseason has been the woefully inadequate free agent compensation system. The Yankees sign AJ Burnett and give up a 3rd round pick? The Brewers only get a 2nd for losing CC Sabathia? And talented players like Juan Cruz, Orlando Cabrera, and Orlando Hudson are still looking for work in part because teams are unwilling to part with the first round pick to sign them? It's gotten so bad that the Royals are sniffing around Hudson, trying to take the Nationals' lead and get a good player in a bad market (and in their case, they'd give up a 2nd rounder). That's a major problem, especially for the players' union, who signed off on the arrangement (and is therefor responsponsible for the players twisting in the wind). And for Major League Baseball, who clearly wants its best players employed and doesn't want to have to endure a potential fight over right of employees to, you know, work.

And so there is good and strange news today (actually Sunday) from LaVelle E. Neal III, a beat writer for the Minnesota Star Tribune. According to Neal,

"There have been rumblings that Major League Baseball, which is aware that Type A free agents like Juan Cruz and infielders Orlando Hudson and Orlando Cabrera have been hindered by the compensation rules, are willing to make it easier for teams to sign then trade those free agents. For example, Arizona could sign Cruz to a contract that the Twins are willing to take on. The Twins and Diamondbacks would then work out a trade for Cruz. The Twins could land Cruz without losing a draft pick."

(h/t to MLB Trade Rumors) Normally, new signees can only be dealt after June 15 without their consent. The deal Neal is discussing would allow Cruz, Hudson, and Cabrera to be dealt in an NBA-style sign-and-trade because they would waive their right to veto the trade.

Unless there is some complicated legal language in the player contracts, this deal would have to be predicated on trust. Trust that the player will actually veto the trade, and trust that the team won't send the player to a team and situation he wouldn't otherwise want to go. But this represents a creative solution around the compensation system for the time being, until the league and union can institute a new system that makes more sense and is less easily exploited.

As for the move itself that Neal is discussing, Juan Cruz would prove an excellent acquisistion for the Twins, provided they do not give up any of their young hitting. The Twins have been active in the reliever market, talking to everyone of consequence but never pulling the trigger (no, Luis Ayala doesn't count). But Cruz was clearly the best non-closer available this offseason, and has had three consecutive excellent seasons, and four out of five (especially out of the bullpen). He strikes out well over a batter per inning, and gives up very few hits. Cruz would stabilize the 8th inning for the Twins, allowing Guerrier to return to the 7th and maybe even get a rest every few days (Gardy won't rest until he's run every Twins middle reliever into the ground. Meanwhile, Joe Nathan gets paid $6 million to throw 70 innings.). And when Neshek comes back at the tail end of this year, or even next year, the Twins have an extra arm to make their pen that much more awesome or to deal. However, The Common Man will disavow any knowledge of the previous paragraph if Delmon Young (if he hit better, wouldn't "Demon" be an appropriate nickname?) is included in any deal.

Finally, The Common Man would like to make a programming announcement. He's noticed, over the past few weeks, that when he talks about baseball his traffic has skyrocketed. Indeed, on Friday, he peaked at nearly 300 visitors. Much of this new traffic has been because of The Common Man's recent association with bloggers like Shysterball, wezen-ball, It Is About the Money Stupid, Way Back and Gone and a few other places. So, ever cognizant of the way the wind blows, The Common Man's going to give this baseball blogging a try. He'll continue to write about politics and film and TV and explosions and awesomeness, but he is committing himself to post at least once about baseball every damn day. That means more posts, and probably shorter ones (if The Common Man can contain his verbosity). Consider it an experiment designed to coincide with The Common Man's growing excitement over the coming season. He hopes you will approve. Here are some fireworks to celebrate: