Tuesday, November 25, 2008

8 Simple Rules

The Common Man is safe in rural America this evening, tucked into the home of The Deacon, The Common Man's private brewmaster. The trip was a good one. Here is what The Common Man learned over the course of the day:

1) No matter how early you get up, you will still be rushing to catch a 7:05 flight. The Common Man woke up at 4:30 today, jumped in the shower, and packed the car in record time. He threw The Boy in his carseat and told him to "work it out" and graciously acquiesced to his wife's request to add a suitcase to the luggage (The Common Man was hoping to make it with just one bag). Then, despite his excellent planning, he inexplicably took the absolute longest plausible route to the airport. After traversing the heart of downtown and narrowly avoiding a pedestrian (a black overcoat at six in the morning in the middle of a poorly-lit intersection is awfully hard to see after all). Finally, after getting The Uncommon Wife, The Boy, two suitcases, a diaper bag, and two briefcases up to the counter, The Common Man realized he had forgotten the carseat back in the parking lot. The moral of the story, The Common Man realized as he walked onto his 7:05 flight at 7:03, is that no one makes good decisions before seven.

2) Being alone in coach. > Sitting in first class with a two-year old.

3) The future will look like the Detroit airport. There will be people-moving trams, calming blue-green lights that dance along the walls, and eerie synth music coming from unseen speakers. Also, it will smell like pollution, desperation, and failure.

4) Until the Cone of Silence technology is perfected, The Common Man decrees that all advances in headphone technology need to cease. When The Common Man, from across the aisle, can make out the words to every crappy Nickelback song blasting through your headphones as you appear to be sleeping, headphones have progressed as far (indeed further) than is either necessary or practical. As amused and befuddled as The Common Man was at this passenger's lack of consideration for other passengers, he felt horrified for the man's seatmate, who seemed relatively annoyed that he couldn't hear his own music over the other guy's music.

5) The Nissan Versa is an exceptionally small car. Exceptionally, exceptionally small. Like, it could fit in your walk-in closet small. Despite its size (or lack thereof), the car looks nice. But it lacks any and all of the muscle that a real man requires from his transportation. Indeed, The Common Man gets up to 60 before the Versa, and he's got a bad wheel. Eventually, humiliated by the car's lack of oompf, The Common Man encouraged The Uncommon Wife to take the wheel while he slept. Thus, The Common Man was spared the embarrassment of pulling up to The Deacon's house driving an enclosed golf cart.

6) The beer has been flowing like wine at The Deacon's house, and The Common Man has many excellent options for his beer review this week. If you are in need of good beer, it's good to have a private brewmaster on hand to produce some variety and to provide new and exotic beers. The Common Man suggests making nice with your local home-brewer, perhaps the most manly of hobbyists.

7) When your wife asks you if you want a milkshake, and you respond that she should "look in her heart," be prepared for her answer to be, "I saw heart disease and clogged arteries."

8) With Thanksgiving just two short days away, The Common Man thinks it is important to be eating less rather than eating more. Indeed, if his stomach is full of sauerkraut, ham-and-cheese on a pretzel roll, milkshake, jalapeno-stuffed big pretzel, steak sandwich, and copious amounts of beer. Tomorrow, as he learned from competitive eating sensation Takeru Kobayashi, The Common Man will feast on only grapes to stretch out the walls of his stomach and increase his eating capacity.


Anonymous said...

Mmmmmmm Maybe the Versa sedan is different than the hatchback. Maybe 30 odd years difference in age changes perception. We like our Versa; think it exceptionally roomy in the passenger compartment (even for four adults)and love the trunk space.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Common Man said...

The sedan rented by The Common Man seems to have a 4 cylander engine that struggles to traverse the rugged mountains out here, has no trunk release button in the car or on the keychain, and its battery inexplicably died yesterday morning in The Deacon's driveway. The Common Man does not doubt that your experience, Mimi, has been a positive one with this car, which The Uncommon Wife called "cute" before not being able to get it above 65 mph, but this rental is doing little to turn The Common Family on to the Nissan brand.