The War of Statistical Aggression

Somewhere in the lung of Texas, the Traditionalists have met in order to subvert the growing power of the Saberists forces. With Bill James’ armies bearing down in their insurrection, Murray Chass has convened his loyal commanders to repel the rebels as his propaganda campaign has largely resulted in failure and has led to the unfortunate nickname “Blogger Chass”. Gathered together for this meeting are Evan Grant of the Texas Professionals, Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Fanatics (so named for their particularly vicious tactics), Jon Heyman of the Borasskissers, and Commodore Buster Olney of the Green Mountain Boys.

(enter Murray Chass and Buster Olney sitting on Chass’ front porch)

Blogger Chass: Hey kids, get off my lawn. We’re trying to have a meeting.

Buster Olney: Heard this: It’s alright, Murray. They’re just kids. What harm can they really do?

Chass: James, Neyer, Law, and all the rest were kids, too! Give them structure and teach obedience now, and they won’t question us later.

Olney: (rolls eyes) Heard this: I guess you’re right. Let’s start the meeting, shall we?

(Olney and Chass move into the parlor room where they start the meeting with Grant, Shaughnessy, and Heyman)

Dan Shaughnessy: Let’s kill all the bastards! NOW! NOW! NOW!

Chass: Oh Danny Boy, I love you so, but you’re a little insane sometimes. Well, we know what we’re here to do, so let’s get to it. How do we stop the Saberists?

Jon Heyman: I can send in my secret agent to give them misinformation on Mystery Troops.

Chass: My god Jon, enough with your secret agent.

Evan Grant: Alright, calm down. Let’s look at the opposition’s movements. Keith Law and his Snarks are moving down the Mississippi, gaining control of the waterways and cooking up trouble. Tom Tango’s Tigers keep moving across the Ohio due to their almost heartless resilience. And I hear Joe Posnanski is developing a Logic Bomb, but I’m hoping that transmission was just 5,000 words of bologna. Luckily, Rob Neyer’s mercenaries have faltered after he made the switch to using SBN rifles instead of ESPNs.

Chass: That’s terrible news for us. Posnanski can sure talk circles around you, but his threats usually come true. As for Law, we’ll …

Shaugnessy: Kill them all! Kill them all!

Heyman: Jesus, Shaughnessy, shut up.

Chass: As I was saying, we’ll do a few In-N-Out maneuvers along the river to distract Law from getting too close. Tango will be difficult as he has the numbers advantage, and he’ll just keep coming no matter how annoying he can get. And while Neyer’s seen a loss of momentum, he still has quite the following. So let’s come up with some ideas, boys.

Grant: Well, I’ve got this up-and-comer named Michael Young that’s a real classy individual. He knows his stuff, and he’s a real leader.

Olney: Heard this: Young requested a trade to my squad.

Grant: Shut up! He’s amazing, okay?! (coughs) Anyway, as I was saying, we could send his squadron to multiple positions to distract Tango from his frontal assault by making him think our main army is more toward the southeast.

Chass: Okay, that sounds like a plan. What about Neyer’s troops still in the Carolinas?

Heyman: (sings “Secret Agent Man” by Johnny Rivers)

Chass: Damn it Jon, you’re almost as annoying as Dan.

Shaughnessy: Down with the bastards! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Chass: For god’s sakes, Dan, shut the %^&* up, man. That wasn’t an invitation for your drivel. Sometimes, I think I’m surrounded by a bunch of idiots. (pauses to shake his head) Does anyone have an idea for keeping Neyer busy?

Olney: Heard this: people in the Carolinas hate Neyer.

Heyman: Yeah, we can just tell the masses anything, and they’ll believe us. No one questioned when we said that the Ellsbury and Bautista Towers weren’t brought down by the pitcher winds that we were warned about. We’ll just promise that this is the WAR to end all WARs, and we’ll give them a few more Ryanowards. They just love those big, shiny things that have no real value. Who knew?

Grant: As for Posnanski, I’ll just litter his rumored whereabouts with my Intangibles. They’re like Napalm but better, burning everything in sight without discretion or warning. And you can use them on anything, anywhere, and anytime! They’re multi-purpose bombs sure to end most battles.

Chass: Good. So Law is being distracted by In-N-Outs along the river, Tango by Young, Neyer by an inside revolt, and Posnanski will get Intangibled. Anything else?

Shaugnessy: BLOW THEM ALL TO HELL!!!! (Heyman softly continues signing “Secret Agent Man” in the background but barely audible, as if he hopes someone will hear him and think his idea is worth anything)

Chass: (mainly to himself) My goodness, I think we’re about to lose this war.

Olney: Heard this: It may only be a matter of time.

Chass: Damn it, Buster, you’re really no more help than the rest of them. Oh well, I’ve got to go write up these plans and post them on the intertubes on my site so the troops can get ready.

(Zoom out. Chass heads to his Hewitt-Packard - you know, the one with the black screen and green letters and hits keys. Olney goes to his laptop to actually type up the plans and asks Grant to tweet the link to his followers for him because he still hasn’t learned that. Heyman goes to call his “secret agent”, seeming very upset at not being considered more seriously during the meeting. And Shaughnessy is rolling around screaming, throwing things, kicking, and spitting but not getting the desired attention.)