Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Tim Tebow Odyssey

After a miserable loss to the New England Patriots, Tim Tebow had another long conversation with God. Let’s listen in.

Tim Tebow: But I just don’t understand …

God: Timmy, you are not supposed to understand. Besides, I can’t always help you. You have to learn to do things yourself if you want to truly value your human existence.

Tim: But don’t you remember the last time you didn’t help me?

God: Yes, Tim. I remember. And now you enjoy winning more than when I just helped you win, right?

Tim: (thinking) Oh, wow, you’re right!

God: (messing with Tim a bit) You say that as though you’re surprised.

Tim: (frantic and panicked) No, no, no. I mean … I was just trying to say …

God: (laughing and enjoying this a bit too much) I was just kidding, Tim. You know, like the time I told all those people who wrote the Bible that abstinence was a good idea. It was just a joke.


God: (now laughing with a snort at the end) Calm down, Tim. Anyway, we have other important matters to discuss.

Tim: But you were just kidding about kidding about the abstinence thing, right?

God: Tim, we need to focus here. Besides, remember our deal. Anyway, there’s going to be another flood.

Tim: But … Another flood? Like a Noah-type flood?

God: Yes, except we’ll save more people this time. But I need you to build the arks and gather the people.

Tim: I have to gather people onto the arks? How am I going to do that? They’ll all think I’m crazy.

God: (pauses and chuckles to himself) You’ll find a way, Tim. Now, I need three arks. One is for the animals, just like last time. The second is for important people in the world - you get to choose, but just make sure they are “good” people and not just world leaders or whatever. The last is for your family, general good people, and I’ll need 2 baseball players from each MLB team.

Tim: Baseball players?

God: Yes, baseball is my favorite sport, and if there are 60 players, then there will be plenty of players to keep me entertained while you rebuild society.

Tim: Baseball is your favorite sport? Not football?

God: Yeah. Plus, it takes too many football players to play a game (which is a waste of ark space), you need a flat space for basketball (not feasible), ice for hockey (you need to settle in warmer climates), and soccer players are prima donnas who probably expect the ark to be a five-star hotel.

Tim: What two players do you want from each team?

God: The best.

Tim: Well, who are they? How am I supposed to know?

God: Head to Louisville, Kentucky after your season is over. You’ll know who you need to see.

After the Broncos get bounced in their first playoff game, Tebow sets sail for Louisville, unsure of what or who he will find. All he knows is that God sent him on this very important mission, and he can’t fail. Arriving in Louisville, Tim has no idea where to go, but he is hungry and decides to head to Famous Dave’s.

Hostess: How many sir? (looks up and is a bit startled)

Tim: (incognito) Just me. I brought a book.

Hostess: (startled but back under control; now just confused as hell) Okay, follow me.

Sitting at a table nearby …

Famous Sharon: That’s a cool shirt. What does it mean?

Mark Smith: (awkwardly laughs as he realizes that this is the crucial moment wherein this girl will understand and be interested, and thus his future wife, or will be confused and/or uninterested, and thus like every other person on the planet) *explanation of t-shirt* (you’ve been spared the actual explanation as it neither furthers the plot nor does it see our hero meet the woman of his dreams, shocker I know; you just need to know it was explained and in sultry tones)

Famous Sharon: Oh … cool. (see?)

Tim: (to Mark) Excuse me, maybe you’re the one who’s supposed to help me.

Mark: (weirded out a little by the phrasing and the imposing presence) With what exactly?

Tim: (awkwardly, secretively, and yet surprisingly quickly Tim moves over to Mark’s table) Sorry about that. (looks around) Do you mind? (points at empty seat next to Mark; meanwhile, his mother is completely freaked out) My name is Tim Tebow. (reason Tim Tebow is incognito)

Mark: (adjusting to the shocking news and the nearing crowd of women) Oh, hi. Wow. Uh, what can I help you with?

Tim: (also noting the enclosing group of psychotic women) Damn it. This happens everywhere I go, but I couldn’t touch them if I wanted to. I need a place to hide.

Mark: Sure, uh, my house is nearby.

Tim: Perfect.

Tim bowls through the women and gets Mark and his mother safely to the parking lot and to their cars. They drive to the Bat Cave … okay Mark’s mother’s basement, where Tim tries to explain the situation.

Mark: This sounds insane. You realize that, right?

Tim: I know. Let’s just consider this to be you teaching me about baseball while disclosing who the best 2 players on each team are.

Mark: Okay, I suppose Kentucky owes you one.

Tim: Hey, I gave UK its share of beatings.

Mark: They’re UK. You’re supposed to kill them. UK knocked you senseless.

Tim: (clearly annoyed and just wanting to move on) Can we just get started?

Mark: Sure. I’m guessing that God would theoretically also want youngish players in order to be entertained longer?

Tim: Sure.

Mark: Alright, so how do we want to do this?

Tim: Alphabetically?

Mark: (being a dick and obviously not believing Tim one iota) By city name or mascot?

Tim: For goodness sakes … city name.

Mark: Wait, why are we doing this by team? Wouldn’t it be better to simply get the 60 best players?

Tim: DON’T QUESTION THE WILL OF GOD! (actions looked like this)

Mark: (visibly shaken)

Tim: (coughs) Sorry. I, uh, got a little carried away. I’m not sure of the specific reason, but that’s what he said. I guess it keeps up with the species thing.

Mark: (recovering) Okay, well let’s begin with Arizona. Justin Upton’s the easy choice. Chris Young is also pretty good, but we’ll probably get some center fielders later. Miguel Montero is also a nice choice and is a catcher, which might be hard to find, but he’s getting a little older. Dan Hudson and Ian Kennedy are essentially equal, but Hudson’s 3 years younger. So let’s go Upton and Hudson.

Tim: But didn’t Kennedy get Cy Young votes? He won 21 times.

Mark: (trying to remain calm) Tim, we don’t have time to discuss the problem with that, but I’ll leave it at the offense and defense also playing significant parts in winning the game. The pitcher isn’t the only one and shouldn’t get sole credit for the victory.

Tim: Huh, so I guess baseball and football are different that way.

Mark: (opens mouth to say something before remembering that Tim Tebow could squash him into mashed peas, which doesn’t sound appetizing to Mark for several reasons but most notably his dislike of peas) Let’s just move on, shall we?

Tim: Okay, Atlanta’s up.

Mark: Brian McCann is one of the catchers I was thinking about, and as the best player on the team, we’ll put him in. Let’s also put Heyward in as he’s really young and talented, even though he had a sort of rough season last year.

Tim: Okay, Baltimore?

Mark: Let’s rattle another catcher off the list with Matt Wieters. Uh … JJ Hardy is probably the next-best player on the team, though he’ll be 29 this season. All of the pitchers are pretty young, but they aren’t exactly “great”, either. So, let’s say Wieters and Hardy for the time being.

Tim: Next up is Boston.

Mark: Lots of good choices here. Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia, however, would probably be my picks. Adrian Gonzalez is nice, but I imagine we’ll pick up Joey Votto and others along the way. Jon Lester is the other one I’d like to have, but God, in his infinite wisdom, (forsaking safety for a jab at Tebow) decided that two players from each team was the way to go, for whatever reason.

Tim: It’s not for you to question God.

Mark: Well, then who’s is it? God’s kind of the high guy on the totem pole, so it’s not exactly anyone’s “job” to question him.

Tim: God’s the exception. He’s God, so no one needs to question him.

Mark: (pondering but deciding that there’s not a particularly good answer to the question that doesn’t involve an entirely too deep discussion on theology) I suppose. Who’s next?

Tim: Chicago, and the Cubs, I guess, because that comes before White Sox.

Mark: So the tie-breaker is the mascot, and not the league?

Tim: (losing some patience and really starting to wonder if this is the guy God really wanted him to talk to) Let’s just say yes and move on, shall we?

Mark: (remembering that Tebow is a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love and the whole mashed peas thing) I think this one is fairly easy. Starlin Castro and Matt Garza. The White Sox are a little more difficult. Alexei Ramirez is an easy choice, but picking between John Danks and Gavin Floyd is more difficult. Dank is two years younger, though, so let’s go with him.

Tim: Cincinnati?

Mark: Oof, that’s a hard one. Joey Votto has to go in there, but then you have Brandon Phillips, Mat Latos, Jay Bruce, Drew Stubbs, and Aroldis Chapman. Phillips will be 30, so let’s cut him off the list, though I don’t like the feeling of that. I guess I’ll go Latos, but lots of solid choices there.

Tim: I think Cleveland is next.

Mark: Let’s start with Carlos Santana, and I’ll take Shin-Soo Choo next. Asdrubal Cabrera is a nice choice, but we already have 3 shortstops and no Tulo or Reyes. And Justin Masterson has pitched pretty well, but I’ll guess that we’ll get enough pitchers by the end.

Tim: Choo, even with the DUI?

Mark: Doesn’t sound like cars are going to be a problem in the near future.

Tim: But do we want the future of the world coming from a guy who drove drunk?

Mark: You’re gathering a bunch of professional athletes together, and God didn’t say anything about their character. I’m guessing some of the guys I have listed and will list are capable of similar. On a somewhat related note, are you making sure to take tons of women with the rest of your allotment?

Tim: (in despair and looking off to the distance) I try not think about women very much.

Mark: Speaking of which …

Tim: (as though he’s been asked a million times) Please don’t ask. Rockies?

Mark: (starting to feel a little bad for the guy) Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez.

Tim: Detroit?

Mark: Miguel Cabrera, now you have two DUI guys, and Justin Verlander. You know this seems a little too “luck of the draw”.

Tim: What do you mean?

Mark: Well, all of this comes down to what team a player happens to be on. It’s like the All-Star Game where every team has to be represented or the playoffs where each division gets a team. You aren’t necessarily getting the best players.

Tim: I don’t think that’s necessarily God’s point.

Mark: (kind of intrigued but also skeptical) Go on.

Tim: The point is that God wants us to be ever thankful for the things we get. If he took the best players, they would feel entitled. Realizing that you’ve been sort of randomly picked makes you understand how lucky you are, and knowing that, you might play harder and better knowing it is for God. I know that now, which is why I do what I do, and now these players would know. We get a lot of things by luck, which should make us more thankful for what we have.

Mark: (kind of impressed by the line of thinking) Fair enough, I guess. Let’s see. (trying to change the subject) Who’s next? Florida? Rough. Hmm, Mike Stanton, Jose Reyes, and Hanley Ramirez would be nice choices, and Josh Johnson would have been if not for the shoulder surgery. Would Hanley move to third for God?

Tim: If that’s a serious question and you have other choices …

Mark: Okay then, Stanton and Reyes it is. Who’s next?

Tim: Houston.

Mark: Jesus Christ …

Tim: (as intimidating as he can) Ahem.

Mark: Oops, sorry. Old habits and all. He he (awkward silence). Bud Norris and Jordan Lyles are about to be really thankful.

Tim: Kansas City?

Mark: Alex Gordon can go in, but we might move him back to third because we just aren’t getting any of those. And I suppose Eric Hosmer, but we could also go Mike Moustakas. But let’s go Gordon and Hosmer, thinking Gordon could play third about as well as Moustakas. Is that legal?

Tim: (shrugs)

Mark: Next is, let’s see, K … L, so Los Angeles, and we’re going by mascot, so Angels? Dan Haren’s might be a bit over 30, but he’s really, really good. And Jered Weaver’s nearing 30, but he’s still really, really good. And then they have Pujols now, and he’s really, really good. I’d have to go with Weaver and Pujols, but it hurts me to leave Haren off. (remembering something else weird about the situation) Wait, I’m not the only one you’re talking to, am I? We never really discussed why you’re talking to me, of all people.

Tim: (unsure) Well, um, I don’t know, honestly. God told me to come to Louisville, so here I am. Maybe there’s someone else. Maybe not.

Mark: So you’re telling me I’m in control of all their destinies?

Tim: Kind of.

Mark: (getting uncomfortable even though he’s still not sure if he believes Tim or not, but why else is he here?) That’s, uh, okay, let’s try not to think about that.

Tim: Dodgers?

Mark: Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw. I guess Milwaukee’s next. Ryan Braun and Zack Greinke? Rickie Weeks might be a nice second base addition, though. Yeah, let’s do that. Braun and Weeks.

Tim: The Twins are next.

Mark: Man, beginning of 2010, this would have been easy. Denard Span and Joe Mauer? I’d like Liriano to be there, but I don’t know what happened last year. Who’s next?

Tim: Um (looking at list), Mets.

Mark: David Wright should go, but picking between Daniel Murphy and Jonathan Niese is a bit harder. I’d probably feel better going Murphy/Greinke than Weeks/Niese, but I don’t know. Nah, let’s go Wright and Niese. Weeks is a legit second baseman, and Niese is still a solid pitcher. I guess that means the Yankees are next.

Tim: Yep. Can we keep Jeter?

Mark: You heard about the gift baskets for his one-night stand, right?

Tim: Really? Hmm, okay, who then?

Mark: Three-way battle between CC, Granderson, and Cano. Cano and CC fit more with positions that we need, so let’s go with them. Going back to the women thing. Do the players get to bring their wives and kids?

Tim: The people on the original ark did, so I suppose they will as well. Might be difficult to get them to buy in otherwise.

Mark: Okay. Uh, Athletics? Well, I guess Jemile can join his brother, and Brandon McCarthy is pretty good while also seemingly like a good guy on Twitter. Who knew his foray into social media would save his life? But I suppose it didn’t help Brandon Phillips. Luck of the draw.

Tim: Phillies.

Mark: Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay are awesome, but with Shane Victorino and Cole Hamels, there are still good, young players on the team that can go instead.

Tim: Okay, Pirates are up next.

Mark: Andrew McCutchen and, for a lack of better options, Gerrit Cole. He’s only a prospect, but he’s really talented and shouldn’t take long to get to the majors anyway … Quick question, do I get saved in all this?

Tim: You know, I hadn’t really thought about it. (uncomfortable because he doesn’t exactly want to promise Mark a spot if he doesn’t have one) Let me pray real quick. (prays for a few moments) Yes.

Mark: (momentarily relieved before realizing all the people that won’t, but then he remembers that Tebow is probably nuts and isn’t one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse … or is he?) Cool. Um, Padres are next. Chase Headley and Cory Luebke fill slots pretty well. I hate to leave Maybin at home, but we already have a lot of outfielders.

Tim: Alright, Giants are up.

Mark: Gotta be Lincecum and Posey. That’s, what, five catchers, but you need lots of those. Seattle’s next. Felix Hernandez and Michael Pineda. Always need more pitchers, though I’m a little sad not to include Ackley.

Tim: Cardinals?

Mark: Adam Wainwright is coming off of surgery, but there shouldn’t be any reason he doesn’t perform well moving forward. Chris Carpenter and Matt Holliday might be a little old, with Holliday being in an unneeded position. Yadier Molina would be fun to have as another catcher, though that’s six now. Tough position, though.

Tim: Almost there. Tampa, Texas, Toronto, and Washington.

Mark: Tampa’s needs to have Longoria, and I guess I’ll go David Price, even though Matt Moore might end up better. For Texas, I’ll say Kinsler and Darvish, though we don’t necessarily know how well he’ll do. Neftali Feliz could be awesome in a starter’s spot, and Adrian Beltre is legitimately awesome but a little old. I bet Darvish didn’t know that the bid would save his life. Imagine if he had waited another year.

Tim: And Toronto and Washington.

Mark: I suppose Bautista is a must-have, and I’ll take Brandon Morrow over Ricky Romero, though not including Brett Lawrie seems like a shame. And for Washington, I’ll take Strasburg and Ryan Zimmerman just to avoid your worries about Harper and his issues, though I think it’s just maturity.

Tim: That mustache doesn’t have a place in the future, either. (laughs)

Mark: Says the man who shaved his head like a friar.

Tim: Hey, Harper’s was a choice. Mine was part of a hazing.

Mark: Well, I guess that’s it, huh?

Tim: Yeah, I guess so.

Mark: So should I, uh, meet you somewhere at some time? (laughs because he’s not exactly how sure he should be about all this; on one hand, Tim Tebow is in his mother’s basement, but on the other hand, this is insane and he’s still dressed like Leonidas from 300)

Tim: (all of this becoming quite real to Tim as well) You know, I’ll get your number, and I’ll call you to set up plans.

Mark: (jokingly but with a little pain) I’ve heard that before.

Tim: (laughs) I will definitely call you. The Big Guy won’t exactly let me not follow through on a promise like this.

Mark: Yeah, probably not. Well, I guess you need to get to work, huh? Do you know how to build a boat?

Tim: They said (breaks into this). Now, they say I can’t build a boat. I’ve proven them wrong before, and I’ll do it again.

Mark: Okay, something’s been bothering me about that. Who said you couldn’t play QB in high school or college? Weren’t you a top recruit? I’ll go along with the first-round pick and NFL stuff, but the other stuff seems like a lie.

Tim: (shifts uncomfortably) We all got a little carried away with that, but it’s more for inspiration than a biography.

Mark: Uh huh, well with the world ending pretty soon for most people, I guess we’ll let that slide.

Tim: You don’t believe me, do you? That there’s going to be a flood?

Mark: (chuckles) Not really, but I have to say this has been the weirdest day of my life, by far.

Tim says good-bye to Mark and his mother, and he leaves, heading back to Denver I guess.

Mom: Now, who was that?

Mark: Football player.

Mom: Oh, then who cares?

I imagine you probably had a hard time keeping up with the names, so here's who is in the ark.



Anonymous said...

I laughed ... heartily!

Dan McCloskey said...

Great stuff. I don't know what's funnier, this entire post or the fact that Bud Norris and Jordan Lyles are the best players on the Astros.

Mark Smith said...


Haha, yeah, I wasn't real sure where I was going to go with that. Thought about having God intercede to say we could choose two other players and forsake the Astros. Didn't seem right, though.