By Mark Smith
At this point, I hope you understand Wins Above Replacement. If not, I’ll direct you to FanGraphs or some such site that can give you a better explanation. If you don’t understand the exact differences between fWAR and rWAR (or bWAR; I understand that they’re the same thing and what the “r” stands for, but which is the “right” one?), that’s okay. I don’t really either. All I really know is that they’re just a good way to compare players, and you can’t cross-compare (3 fWAR does not equal 3 rWAR). I suppose that I understand the components and the general differences, but once you get technical, I’m pretty lost. Anyway, because I love the logic behind WAR for baseball, I wondered if it would work in everyday life. I’ve come up with a few suggestions for how to use it elsewhere, but I use it in the BPro sense (no not just because of our new association, though I’m not above brown-nosing) because it’s more fun to say WARC than cWAR. I’m all about aesthetics, really.
WARA (Wins Above Replacement Accents): Some accents are more pleasing to the ear than others. The Boston-New England is worth 1 WARA because it’s there and mostly irritating. Classy Southern accents grade out to 5 WARA, but redneck Southern accents grade out to -1 WARA because they’re just atrocious. Best grade probably goes to whatever Adriana Lima was using on last night’s Super Bowl commercials show.
WARB (WAR Broadcasters): When I watch Braves games, I really, really miss Boog Sciambi (7 WARB) because Chip Caray (2 WARB - he’s sometimes entertaining) and Joe Simpson (0 WARB - I can’t think of a good thing about him). Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver grade out to like -4 WARB because that’s about as low as my arbitrary rankings are willing to go.
WARC (WAR Cookies): M&M = 9 WARC. No-bake = -1 WARC. If you’re not going to bake the cookie, then it’s just not a cookie, and shame on you for being lazy. Besides, no-bake cookies are gross. Now, give me an M&M Doozie from the American Cookie Company, and the system will break from the sheer awesomeness.
WARD (WAR Desserts): Chip Buck is still under the belief that cake is better than pie, but according to my highly scientific system, pie gets 7
WARC WARD while pie cake comes in at 2 WARC WARD. It’s
science. What can I say?
WARF (WAR … who cares, I just want a metric that sounds like him)
WARG (WAR GameofThronesCharacters): This is my post, so I get to use whatever rules I want to, okay? Plus, there are “wargs” in the book, so there. Tyrion Lannister gets 12 WARG. Lisa Tully is like a -1 WARG because she’s a #$%^&. Ned probably gets a 3 WARG because he’s got principles but is too stupid to see the long-game. I could talk about this one all day, and we should have it out in the comments.
WARJ (WAR Julius): Orange Julius equals 2 WARJ because I just don’t get the hype. Julius Caesar was like a 5 WARJ, but his career ended early due to repeated stabbings. Julius Erving is worth like 7 or 8 WARJ because he’s just a bada$$.
WARK (WAR Keebler): Chips Deluxe only rates at 2 WARK because they’re perfectly average, but with the rainbow chips, they’re like 4 WARK. EL Fudge is like 3 WARK. Cinnamon Grahams are like 3 or 4 WARK, but the rest are like 1 or 2 WARK. Club crackers = 8 WARK.
WARL (WAR Lunch): Cold pizza = 3 WARL. Sandwich = 1 WARL. Chick-fil-a = +∞ WARL.
WARM (WAR Muffins): Banana nut muffins and zucchini bread muffins come in at a cool 6 WARM. Blueberry is like 2 WARM. Bran muffins don’t even get a number because they’re just gross. Yes, I’m hungry while writing this post. Why do you ask?
WARN (WAR Nintendo): I once tried to play Zelda. A roommate brought it to the apartment to beat it again, and after he had, I tried. Once I learned what the hell Z-targeting was, I got better. But it became an event for several of my friends to watch, really just heckle, me while I played. I became so self-conscious that I refused to even attempt the Water Temple, and the idea of the game still sparks a slight spike in blood pressure because of the anxiety.
WARO (WAR Ocean): Atlantic = 2 WARO. Pacific = 4 WARO. Eleven = 5 WARO. Twelve = 1 WARO. Thirteen = 3 WARO.
WARP (WAR Posts): This one = 0 WARP.
WARQ (WAR Quarterback): Aaron Rodgas = 8 WARQ. Drew Breeze = 7 WARQ. Peyton Manning = 8 WARQ. Tim Tebow = 140 WARQ. Again, this is science.
WARR (WAR Rascals): Who’s your favorite little rascal, Alfalfa or Spanky?
WART (WAR Twins): I was gonna go with something else, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay to talk about 80085 on here or not. Nick Punto gets whatever the highest score is.
WARV (WAR Vampires): GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!
WARZ (WAR Z-words): “Zanzibar” gets like 4 WARZ because it’s really fun to say. “Zephyr” gets 3 WARZ for basically the same thing, but I refuse to look up what it means. “Zesty” gets 6 WARZ because it makes me feel that way when I say it. And any words that end in “z” that shouldn’t (ie. kidz) get -2 WARZ because that’s just stupid.
Several letters were left out, but I’ll let you use your imagination instead of expecting me to do everything for you.