Thursday, February 2, 2012

Using WAR in Everyday Life

By Mark Smith

At this point, I hope you understand Wins Above Replacement. If not, I’ll direct you to FanGraphs or some such site that can give you a better explanation. If you don’t understand the exact differences between fWAR and rWAR (or bWAR; I understand that they’re the same thing and what the “r” stands for, but which is the “right” one?), that’s okay. I don’t really either. All I really know is that they’re just a good way to compare players, and you can’t cross-compare (3 fWAR does not equal 3 rWAR). I suppose that I understand the components and the general differences, but once you get technical, I’m pretty lost. Anyway, because I love the logic behind WAR for baseball, I wondered if it would work in everyday life. I’ve come up with a few suggestions for how to use it elsewhere, but I use it in the BPro sense (no not just because of our new association, though I’m not above brown-nosing) because it’s more fun to say WARC than cWAR. I’m all about aesthetics, really.

WARA (Wins Above Replacement Accents): Some accents are more pleasing to the ear than others. The Boston-New England is worth 1 WARA because it’s there and mostly irritating. Classy Southern accents grade out to 5 WARA, but redneck Southern accents grade out to -1 WARA because they’re just atrocious. Best grade probably goes to whatever Adriana Lima was using on last night’s Super Bowl commercials show.

WARB (WAR Broadcasters): When I watch Braves games, I really, really miss Boog Sciambi (7 WARB) because Chip Caray (2 WARB - he’s sometimes entertaining) and Joe Simpson (0 WARB - I can’t think of a good thing about him). Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver grade out to like -4 WARB because that’s about as low as my arbitrary rankings are willing to go.

WARC (WAR Cookies): M&M = 9 WARC. No-bake = -1 WARC. If you’re not going to bake the cookie, then it’s just not a cookie, and shame on you for being lazy. Besides, no-bake cookies are gross. Now, give me an M&M Doozie from the American Cookie Company, and the system will break from the sheer awesomeness.

WARD (WAR Desserts): Chip Buck is still under the belief that cake is better than pie, but according to my highly scientific system, pie gets 7 WARC WARD while pie cake comes in at 2 WARC WARD. It’s science. What can I say?

WARF (WAR … who cares, I just want a metric that sounds like him)

WARG (WAR GameofThronesCharacters): This is my post, so I get to use whatever rules I want to, okay? Plus, there are “wargs” in the book, so there. Tyrion Lannister gets 12 WARG. Lisa Tully is like a -1 WARG because she’s a #$%^&. Ned probably gets a 3 WARG because he’s got principles but is too stupid to see the long-game. I could talk about this one all day, and we should have it out in the comments.

WARJ (WAR Julius): Orange Julius equals 2 WARJ because I just don’t get the hype. Julius Caesar was like a 5 WARJ, but his career ended early due to repeated stabbings. Julius Erving is worth like 7 or 8 WARJ because he’s just a bada$$.

WARK (WAR Keebler): Chips Deluxe only rates at 2 WARK because they’re perfectly average, but with the rainbow chips, they’re like 4 WARK. EL Fudge is like 3 WARK. Cinnamon Grahams are like 3 or 4 WARK, but the rest are like 1 or 2 WARK. Club crackers = 8 WARK.

WARL (WAR Lunch): Cold pizza = 3 WARL. Sandwich = 1 WARL. Chick-fil-a = +∞ WARL.

WARM (WAR Muffins): Banana nut muffins and zucchini bread muffins come in at a cool 6 WARM. Blueberry is like 2 WARM. Bran muffins don’t even get a number because they’re just gross. Yes, I’m hungry while writing this post. Why do you ask?

WARN (WAR Nintendo): I once tried to play Zelda. A roommate brought it to the apartment to beat it again, and after he had, I tried. Once I learned what the hell Z-targeting was, I got better. But it became an event for several of my friends to watch, really just heckle, me while I played. I became so self-conscious that I refused to even attempt the Water Temple, and the idea of the game still sparks a slight spike in blood pressure because of the anxiety.

WARO (WAR Ocean): Atlantic = 2 WARO. Pacific = 4 WARO. Eleven = 5 WARO. Twelve = 1 WARO. Thirteen = 3 WARO.

WARP (WAR Posts): This one = 0 WARP.

WARQ (WAR Quarterback): Aaron Rodgas = 8 WARQ. Drew Breeze = 7 WARQ. Peyton Manning = 8 WARQ. Tim Tebow = 140 WARQ. Again, this is science.

WARR (WAR Rascals): Who’s your favorite little rascal, Alfalfa or Spanky?

WART (WAR Twins): I was gonna go with something else, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay to talk about 80085 on here or not. Nick Punto gets whatever the highest score is.


WARZ (WAR Z-words): “Zanzibar” gets like 4 WARZ because it’s really fun to say. “Zephyr” gets 3 WARZ for basically the same thing, but I refuse to look up what it means. “Zesty” gets 6 WARZ because it makes me feel that way when I say it. And any words that end in “z” that shouldn’t (ie. kidz) get -2 WARZ because that’s just stupid.

Several letters were left out, but I’ll let you use your imagination instead of expecting me to do everything for you.


Dan McCloskey said...

Really funny post. I'd give it a 4 or 5 6 WARP, so I think you sell yourself way short.

William Tasker - Caribou, ME said...

One of the most enjoyable reads in a very long time. Loved it. Some comments:

On WARK - Vienna Fingers were like a 7 WARK before Keebler took them over. Now they are a 2 WARK.

Any person with an Irish or Scottish accent is a 7 WARA. My New Jersey accent is gone, thank goodness, because it was a -1 WARA

OMG! We so agree on no bake cookies!

O.J. Simpson has the lowest WARJ in history.

WARR - Spanky was a +2 WARR. Alfalfa was a -5.

The WARP on this post is definitely a 7. So I'm slightly higher than Dan.

Matt Collins said...

This was really awesome. Nice work Mark.

Bill said...

I would very much like my own War Vampire.

TCM and I had a blog ages ago where we used a similar concept for movies. I think it was before WAR was really a thing, I think it was RCAA-based, value over replacement movie, and we'd just assign an arbitrary number above or below zero according to how we thought it compared to the average movie. Because we're giant losers.

Bill said...

On the Game of Thrones characters, this is where the various systems are going to differ wildly. Mine has Daenerys as about 11.5 WARG, a sliver behind Tyrion, but others have her in the very low single digits.

The Common Man said...

The Common Man will fight anyone who doesn't love Dany. Although he hasn't read Dance With Dragons yet. John Snow = 8 WARG; Stannis = -4 WARG

Mark Smith said...

I have Dany somewhere around 9 or 10 WARG. She's pretty badass and getting better, but Tyrion has the entire skill set - funny, smart, midget, courage.

John Snow would be pretty high on the list, but he's definitely behind Dany and Tyrion.

I'm actually not that down on Stannis. He's pretty much an idiot, but he's principled and generally sticks to it. He's dumber than Ned, though, so he's like a 1 or 2 WARG (worth having but not necessary for my enjoyment).

Jason Wojciechowski said...

As long as we all agree that Arya and Daenerys are neck and neck.

Jason Wojciechowski said...

Oh, and Texas accents are like 8.3 WARA.

Mark Smith said...

Arya is pretty awesome, but Dany is the mother of goddamn dragons. SHE WALKS THROUGH FIRE AND FLIES ON DRAGONS. Plus Dany is hottttt.

Jason Wojciechowski said...

Dude, she's like 13.

Mark Smith said...

I ... uh ... that girl in the HBO series is not 13.

Erik Pinkerman said...

i second that emotion on the nobake cookies. they are absolutely disgusting. anyone who tries to pass those off as "baking" should be sentenced to an afterlife of watching St. Louis Browns games.