World Series Prediction: A Nickname Face-Off

Once upon a time, The Common Man committed to objectively reviewing and grading all 30 of the nicknames of baseball's 30 teams.  He got eight done.  While he is committed to finishing the list this offseason, The Common Man did happen to review the nicknames for both Texas and St. Louis, and on the basis of those reviews, he is confident he can predict the outcome of the 2011 World Series. How will it go when the Rangers meet the Cardinals?  Re-printed below are TCM's nickname reviews for each squad.  Predictions at the end.

Nickname Review: Minnesota Twins

The Common Man had planned to spend the weekend up at the cabin in delicious, internet free serenity. Even the AM station that carries the Twins games up there cuts out after sundown, as it runs off a solar powered antenna. It was supposed to give TCM the time he needed to get through a book he’s been asked to review. Alas, life and work schedules got in the way, and The Common Man instead ended up heading to the Twin Cities with The Uncommon Wife and The Boy for a quick visit with the parents.

TCM’s family was buzzing about the Twins, in particular his 93 year old grandmother. In short, they are frustrated, but they have hope. It was a refreshingly realistic perspective given how often the online Twins community overreacts both positively and negatively to the season’s twists and turns.

In honor of this remarkable display of self-awareness, The Common Man thinks it’s finally time to turn inward and do some self-examination, objectively ranking his team’s nickname.

Team Name: Minnesota
Nickname: Twins
NicknameTypography: Human
Definition: Two persons or things closely resembling one another, siblings born of the same litter.
Characteristics: Similarity, mind-reading potential, togetherness

The best thing about being a Minnesota Twin: Camraderie. The Common Man has never met twins that don’t actually get along. Indeed, most of the twins he has met have terrific relationships with one another that are somewhat distinct from a traditional sibling relationship. And indeed, the Minnesota Twins clubhouse has usually sported a positive vibe, especially without Torii Hunter around stirring the pot.
The worst thing about being a Minnesota Twin: Sameness. For the last twenty years, the Minnesota Twins have focused on one priority characteristic at a time for their players, which has occasionally been an advantage, but has often been a challenge.

Exhibit A: In 1991 the Twins brought in St. Paul native Jack Morris, without whom they probably would not have made it to the World Series, let alone won it. The lesson the team learned was not that they should go after good and undervalued players as free agents, but that bringing back hometown free agents was a potential box office draw. So in 1993, they brought in Dave Winfield on a two year deal as a DH. The team sunk further into mediocrity, and picked up Paul Molitor in 1996. Molly played for the Twins until 1998, and teamed with New Ulm native Terry Steinbach for the last two years of that. Steinbach would stay on until 1999, when the homecoming fetish finally ran its course.

Exhibit B: In the meantime, the Twins began falling in love with players specifically because they lacked power. In the middle of the greatest offensive era in 65 years, the Twins had exactly one player hit more than 20 homers in a season from 1996 through 2000. Matt Lawton in 1998 had 21. The club continuously preached hitting the ball the other way and minimizing strikeouts, messing up the swings of budding stars Marty Cordova and David Ortiz, among others.

Exhibit C: Left-handed hitters. This is less a organizational philosophy, TCM thinks, than an oddity, but the club has been lefty-heavy since 2001, when Doug Mientkiewicz, Corey Koskie, Jacque Jones, AJ Pierzynski, David Ortiz, and Matt Lawton all hit from the left side. Today, the Twins have a similar alignment, with Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Denard Span, Jim Thome, and Jason Kubel all hitting from the left.

Exhibit D: Strike-throwing righties. The Twins have had an organizational philosophy of drafting and developing right-handed starters who throw in the low-nineties and don’t walk anyone. This emphasis has wrought Brad Radke, Carlos Silva, Joe Mays, Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, and others. Lots of mid-rotation talent, but not a lot of ace potential.

Exhibit E: The Twins Way. Under farm director Jim Rantz, the Twins have been famous for the way that they indoctrinate their minor league prospects in “The Twins Way,” which include how to organize a locker, how to talk to the media, what skills to emphasize, and how to stretch before games and work out in between. Apparently, if you look at a Twins minor league locker room, it’s eerie.

More good news: Well, presumably the Twins could bat out of order and nobody would notice. Also, pitchers could probably switch jerseys with one another and confuse the hell out of opposing managers. “Wait, why is Jon Rauch throwing with his left hand??? Quick, call time and pinch hit for Ryan Howard!”

On the other hand: All that similarity makes it hard to stand out and get noticed, leading to fewer endorsement opportunities and less national exposure for non-Mauer Minnesota Twins. Also, twins tend to get royally screwed when it comes to birthdays, getting fewer presents, having to split a party and a cake, and being forced to share presents. Indeed, twins may have to share the same bedroom for their entire childhood, and split toys. With that lack of individualized attention, it would be very hard to make potential free agent signings feel special. Maybe that’s why the Twins tend to make more trades and develop talent at home, rather than dip into the free agent pool. Finally, twins are in no way intimidating, but can be kind of creepy. Think Jose and Ozzie Canseco.


Final Analysis: Since it’s hard to quantify how important (or not) chemistry has been to the success of the Minnesota Twins, The Common Man is forced to conclude that the nickname just isn’t a very strong entry. After all, unless they are twin boxers or MMA fighters or something, there’s nothing inherently intimidating or frightening about twins. Even the little girls in The Shining were more disconcerting and off-putting than actually scary. Plus, the Twins’ OCD-like need to stockpile players with similar attributes at the expense of other talented players has tended to put the team at a competitive disadvantage. This is not to say that these methods have always led to poor baseball (indeed, the recent incarnations of the Twins have all had great talent), but the roster construction is very monochromatic, which can and has hurt the team on a matchup level. Final Grade: C

Nickname Review: Texas Rangers

Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks is in a lot of trouble these days, as Maury Brown related yesterday on Forbes.com. Currently shouldering more than $525 million in debt, Hicks has left his Rangers frozen in carbonite, essentially unable to move on a player acquisition front, while awaiting the findings of a bankruptcy court judge, and an auction of the club. Since buying the club in 1998, Hicks has done a lot to besmirch the good name of the Rangers, which begs the question, just how good of a name was it to begin with? Fortunately, The Common Man is uniquely equipped to provide an objective review of the name.

Basic Stats:
Name: Texas
Nickname: Rangers
NicknameTypology: Human
Definition: Law enforcement officers for the state of Texas with broad jurisdiction over criminal investigation.
Characteristics: Chuck Norris

The best thing about being a Texas Ranger: You are forever associated with Chuck Norris, and boy is he badass.

The worst thing about being a Texas Ranger: You will never live up to the example set by Chuck Norris.

More good news: The Texas Rangers are the oldest state-wide law enforcement agency in the United States, tracing their organization back to 1823 (more than 20 years before Texas was even a state). As such, the Rangers have a strong sense of tradition that is respected around the state and country. For a team as young as the Rangers (the club moved from Washington in 1972), tapping into this tradition is important. The Rangers have also proven extremely successful over the course of their existence. Rangers were instrumental in the capture or killing of bank robbers Sam Bass, Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker, and “the meanest man alive,” John Wesley Hardin. They are, as an organization, generally beloved by many of the state’s residents, who have lionized them. Their toughness is legendary, and is underscored by their Western apparel, which they are required to wear. Supposedly, you only need one ranger to stop one riot, which is good when your team is struggling. Finally, they are legally protected (as of 1976) by the Texas Government Code from being disbanded, which means they have some excellent job security.

On the other hand: Look, TCM hates to bring this up, but the Texas Rangers’ history has not always been pleasant. Many of the Rangers left to fight for the Confederacy in the Civil War. Also, while the Rangers have been used to keep the peace along the Mexico border, it had a pretty shameful track record in the 19th and early 20th centuries regarding how they treated Hispanics in that area. In particular, they were known to summarily execute suspected bandits and torture them for information and confessions. In 1918, Rangers massacred every single male between the ages of 16 and 72 (15 in all, all Mexican-Americans) in Porvenir, Texas. A 1919 investigation by the Texas Legislature concluded that, between 1910 and 1919, somewhere between 300 and 5000 people, mostly of Mexican descent, had been killed by Rangers. Tom Hicks, it would seem, would have fit in well with the Rangers of the era. Also, you have been made into a movie starring James Van der Beek, Dylan McDermott, Usher, and Ashton Kutcher (a movie that TCM now, absolutely, needs to see).



Final Analysis: Finally, we get a nickname that refers to a specific group of people with a specific task, not some amorphous group like “Metropolitans,” “Yankees,” or “Nationals.” This specificity is a huge point in the name’s favor. Also, Texas Rangers are a much beloved institution, such that they are protected by law, and are generally respected for being all around bad-asses. While their ability to work together (one ranger, one riot) is somewhat in question, they are generally so awesome individually that we can overlook this deficiency. Aside from that pesky tendency toward racism and massacre (that TCM prays was weeded out a century ago), the Texas Rangers are a pretty awesome nickname. If you have to be associated with a particular group, this is the one TCM would want to belong to. Nothing will make you forget about Tom Hicks faster than Chuck Norris. Grade: A

By the way, TCM’s prediction on this Rangers/bankruptcy situation is that Chuck Norris will buy the Rangers just so that he can arrange a brawl with Nolan Ryan. The fight will end in a draw, when the men collide, emitting a mushroom cloud of testosterone that rains down on the population of Texas, resulting in everyone (women included) growing a manly stubble on their jaw.

Nickname Review: Washington Strasburgs...er...Nationals

Well, Happy Stras-mas everyone! The debut of Stephen Strasburg is an exciting and important event, important enough to keep The Common Man from tuning in to at least part of the Twins game tonight. His debut and yesterday’s selection of Bryce Harper in the Amateur Draft also provide a nice excuse for The Common Man to objectively assess the quality of the Nats’ nickname, so that Mrs. Strasburg and Harper know what they’re getting into.

Basic Stats:
Name: Washington
Nickname: Nationals
NicknameTypology: Human
Definition: A citizen or subject of a particular nation who is entitled to its protection (dictionary.com)
Characteristics: unremarkable, faceless, in need of protection

Best thing about being a National: You know that somebody has your back. Indeed, everyone who qualifies as a national has some government entity who is supposed to ensure that their rights are protected. Some of these government entities, such as the former Soviet Union, do a pretty poor job of it. Others, however, such as the United States and Canada, have historically done a pretty decent job of protecting the rights of their citizens, particularly when those citizens are visiting overseas. It’s reassuring to know that someone, somewhere, will have your back when you get into trouble, which the Nats have been doing for several years now.

Worst thing about being a Nat: Anonymity. In general, the rights of the country from which you hail apply to all citizens of that country. Indeed, there is nothing terribly special about a national, beyond his or her nationality. What TCM is saying is that a prototypical national is Jason Marquis, a guy no one really knows a lot about, isn’t a difference maker, and has been largely forgotten about on the disabled list. With such big time talent coming into the organization, potential stars like Harper, Strasburg, Storen, and Zimmerman will have to do something really noteworthy (like go hiking in Iran, or swimming into Burma) to get really noticed.

More good news: Nationals can have a very strong sense of belonging, which will be important if the Nats want to keep Strasburg and company around for more than the required initial six seasons. If the Nats treat them right, the team’s up and comers will remain loyal, retiring with 348 wins and 620 homers respectively 20 or so years from now. Also, some of the countries that nationals hail from are particularly awesome. TCM has already covered the Yankees, and how being from the U.S. rocks pretty hard. Canada’s also very pretty. TCM’s uncle just came back from the Dominican Republic, which he said was gorgeous. But TCM’s thinking he didn’t make it to the heart of Santo Domingo.

On the other hand: Just because you’re from somewhere awesome, doesn’t mean you yourself are awesome. For instance, Sir Sidney Ponson is from Aruba, and TCM thinks we’re all in agreement that he’s pretty much a waste of a decent right arm. Maybe he’d have been less of a lout if he wasn’t sweating gin. Anyway, it’s also worth noting that, because of the anonymity problems mentioned above (seriously, name a Nat that isn’t Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn, Storen, or Strasburg), nationals will always generate fewer product endorsements than their counterparts. Also, the lack of a real affiliation with each other (all players are nationals, but may be nationals of someplace else) could lead to a lack of team identity and team unity. Finally, the relegation of a human being to a single defining characteristic that only refers to their nation of origin is pretty dehumanizing, isn't it?

Final analysis: This is tough. It really depends on which country a person is a national of. Some countries (the Sudan, for instance, or North Korea) don’t inspire the kind of awe and reverence that you’d typically like from a national affiliation, and do a piss poor job of respecting the rights of their citizens. Indeed, without more detail, The Common Man would normally forced to give the Nationals an incomplete, and ask them to resubmit by Friday with more detail. If they are unable to provide a better account of themselves, The Common Man is going to have to give them a C-.

Nickname Review: New York Yankees

Thank God the Twins finally beat the Yankees yesterday, snapping their nine game losing streak to the bombers, and salvaging The Common Man’s weekend. Before yesterday, The Common Man was starting to think irrational thoughts about the Yankees being in the Twins’ heads and was starting to buy the notion of the Yankee mystique. Now, he feels much better about the world and the Twins’ place in it.

In honor of his return to rationality, The Common Man thought this would be an opportune time to objectively review the Yankees’ nickname. After all, TCM isn’t mad or upset anymore and feels like he can give it a fair appraisal. So what do we know?

Basic Stats:
Name: New York
Nickname: Yankees
NicknameTypology: Human
Definition: American
Characteristics: unclear, that’s pretty vague. It's a big country.

Best thing about being a Yankee: U-S-A! U-S-A! Seriously, the team is basically called the New York Americans (in fact, that’s how it was popularly referred to while they shared the city with the Giants (who were the New York Nationals). As “Yank” was a popular shortening of “American” at the turn of the century, New York papers adopted it. As an American, The Common Man assures you that it’s pretty cool.

Worst thing about being a Yankee: Arrogance. Look, the United States is basically the most remarkable country in the history of the world, and TCM is mighty glad he lives there. That said, there are many legitimate (and many illegitimate) reasons that some people don’t like it and us. One of those reasons is the extreme arrogance of America and Americans abroad. TCM isn’t saying that America doesn’t have a reason to be arrogant, but he’s also traveled in non-English speaking countries with Americans who get upset when citizens of the country they are visiting have the gall to not speak English well or at all. Likewise, The Common Man has been horribly embarrassed by Americans at other tables who complain about the food or culture of the places they are choosing to visit.

In 2008, The Common Man visited Egypt with The Uncommon Wife. Cairo is a massive city of almost 18 million people. There, the lack of enforceable building codes has led to several problems. People build homes and simply keep adding levels to them when their family outgrows the one they are on. The streets are forced to wind through old neighborhoods, and are jammed with more cars than they were designed to accommodate. City sanitation cannot pick up all of the garbage and waste, as many dwellings are erected without a permit, and do not exist on a city registry. People build apartments atop mausoleums in cemeteries. It’s a mess. But if he had a nickel for every time someone on their tour (seriously, don’t go unless you’re with a reputable tour) complained that the city was laid out poorly and that the population just needs to “get serious” or “get smarter”, The Common Man would have bought several more pashminas for The Uncommon Wife. Dudes, this city predates the concept of urban planning. It’s laid out like Boston, if Boston had been around for 1800 years before someone decided to build highways. Plus, you can’t go two feet without tripping over a landmark or an archaeological dig of immense importance. Try constructing a city around that, The Common Man dares you.

Seriously, try and find a fanbase who feels more obnoxiously entitled than the Yankees'. If they aren't in the playoffs every damn year, it's a travesty. Heads need to roll. If a pitcher has a bad game, or a hitter is slumping, scorn comes raining down from the stands. It's like they expect the team to go 162-0, and sweep through the playoffs. Plus, they openly covet other teams' players and bray about how certain players "deserve" to be Yankees. That Yankees simply are better (though it's nice to know that some of you feel differently).

More good news: Baseball is the American Pastime and, by definition, the Yankees are America’s team, in many ways they are baseball. America has the highest gross domestic product in the world, so it’s the richest country out there. Obviously, that comes in handy when free agent season rolls around. Plus, Americans have proved to be among the most industrious, ingenious, and innovative people in the history of civilization, which is mirrored in the intelligence of the club's front office and in much of the non-obnoxious wing of the team's fanbase. Americans also still boast the strongest, best trained, and most well-equipped fighting force of all time making them a formidable opponent. Indeed, that's a good group to have around, if you need to go into battle 162 times a year.


On the other hand: America may have invented Jazz, but it also has spawned Ke$ha. Karma sucks, people. Also, while the Polio vaccine rocks, the atomic bomb has proven troublesome. Finally, the concept of the "Yankee" is pretty vague. What, after all, is an American? There are more than 300 million of them, of various ethnicities, political allegiances, and socio-economic statuses. Hell, some of them don't even like baseball (what the hell is wrong with them?). So when you call a team "the Yankees," it's impossible to really divine what that refers to. It's a definition without a lot of actual substance behind it.


Final analysis:
The Common Man is inclined to give the Yankees a good grade. After all, he thinks that being an American kicks all kinds of ass. That said, you would probably get a similar answer from Russians, Germans, Indians, Japanese, South Africans, and Venezuelans; by and large, people seem predisposed to internalize nationalism. Also, the vagueness of the term is troubling. What is a Yankee? And how do we resolve that with the fact that many members of the team (Robinson Cano, Francisco Cervelli, Ramiro Pena, Chan Ho Park) are not technically Yankees. That seems like an internal contradiction. And then, of course, comes the baggage associated with being a Yankee. You are hated and reviled by many. Envied by others. You may sew a Canadian flag to your backpack, and just pretend to be a Blue Jay to avoid trouble. But ultimately, most Yankees accept this criticism, and still associate with the name proudly. After all, America is a pretty great place, warts and all, and its people deserve all the credit they can get for giving the world the light bulb, the motion picture industry, the ice cream cone, and, yes, baseball (suck it, England). A-

(Other nickname reviews are up for the Cardinals, Blue Jays, Mets, and Diamondbacks.)

Nickname Review: Arizona Diamondbacks

The Common Man is back from his Southwestern vacation. He basked in the desert sun, drove the vast empty expanse between L.A. and Phoenix twice, saw Mickey Mouse and rode roller coasters with The Boy and The Uncommon Wife, and went whale watching (but sadly missed out on watching any whales, who had all swam past on their way up north already). Along the way, if you were following his frantic tweeting, you might have noticed TCM took in a Diamondbacks game at Chase Field. It was an interesting game, as Dan Haren struggled on the mound, but managed to collect four singles in four trips to the plate. The final one came as manager AJ Hinch apparently sent Haren up to hit for himself with two outs and a runner on 1st in the 6th inning, despite being up just a single run. Haren was replaced by Juan Gutierrez to start the next inning, so it seems that Hinch simply wanted to let his starter try for his fourth hit rather than going for a pinch hitter. The move worked, but it’s hard to justify it.

Anyway, in honor of his hosts last week, The Common Man thought it would be appropriate to honor their nickname by objectively reviewing it. Let’s get started.

Basic Stats:
Name: Arizona
Nickname: Diamondback (Rattlesnake)
NicknameTypology: Snake
Color: Brown
Size: 120-150 cm (3.9-4.9 feet)
Special Abilities: sliding on belly, metabolic manipulation, rattle, poisoning your ass, swallowing large objects whole

Best thing about the Diamondback Rattlesnake: The Western Diamondback rattlesnake is freaking deadly. It is responsible for the most deaths by snakebite in Mexico and second most in the U.S. (behind the Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake). Make no mistake, you don’t want to mess with a big rattlesnake. They will totally kill you if you get near them. Their intimidation factor is high and they have no problem attacking things that are bigger and tougher looking than they are. You’d be pretty confident too, if you had fangs dripping with proteolytic venom.

Worst thing about the Diamondback Rattlesnake: While you might think the rattle is cool (after all, it gives you the warning you need to back slowly away and continue to live), it’s not so good when others can see you coming. One wonders why, exactly, a snake needs to warn you at all. Why doesn’t he just kill you and be done with it? Alas, the Diamondbacks will never sneak up on anybody.

More good news: Rattlesnakes have the ability to slow their body metabolism, allowing them to go up to two years without eating. If the Dodgers ever get their act together and start acting like a large market team, this will be important, allowing Arizona to wait out lean years in between competitive squads. All of the time snakes spend sliding around on their bellies are excellent practice for those close plays at 2B and 3B. Plus, again with the ability to kill you.

On the other hand: Nobody really likes rattlesnakes, except weirdos who keep them as pets. But these people are generally anti-social, and live alone for most of their 20s and 30s, and nobody likes them either. Alas, that probably makes them bloggers. That said, what does a rattlesnake care if you don’t like it? It’s solitary and ornery and will totally poison the hell out of you if you come near it. Not big on teamwork, the rattlesnake, but still awesome.

Addendum: Before we get to the final analysis, I wanted to point out that, while the Diamondbacks may use a snake for their nickname, their actual mascot is Baxter the Bobcat. Baxter is a cheap looking, emotionless furball, who doesn’t really do anything interesting. He is named after the team’s original name for the ballpark (Bank One Ballpark: BOB), but since that’s gone the way of all corporate sponsorships, he is pretty much disconnected from everything else the team has going for it. The Common Man gets that having a snake for a mascot might not make sense (what with its no arms and legs, and all), but putting beefy arms and legs on a snake certainly makes as much sense as letting some random bobcat become your team’s mascot, especially when that mascot seems to serve no real purpose. He’s not funny and he’s not acrobatic, and he basically just throws t-shirts during one of the inning breaks. TCM has no use for that, and neither should you.

Final Analysis: Despite the epic fail of Baxter the Bobcat, the Diamondback is actually a pretty awesome nickname. It’s bad-ass and intimidating. It takes no guff from the artful Dodgers or the prissy Metropolitans, and will totally bite their calves when they go walking in the desert in their Chuck Taylors. In that way, the Diamondback Rattlesnake is not only scary, but it does a public service. The fewer yuppies and hipsters there are, the better. And because of this awesomeness, the Diamondbacks get The Common Man’s first A. Nice job. Baxter the Bobcat, however, gets an F-.

Other nickname reviews so far: the Mets, Blue Jays, and Cardinals.

Nickname Review: New York Mets

The Common Man’s nickname review picked up an additional endorsement today with the support of friend of the blog Craig Calcaterra, of HardballTalk. Craig is concerned, however, about the long term potential of this project, writing “I'm not sure that TCM is going to get to them all -- there's scant scientific data on the traits of "metropolitans" and most varieties of "sox" -- but it should be enjoyable while it lasts.”

Oh really, Craig? That’s how it’s going to be? Fine. To put Craig at ease, TCM is going to break from his avian theme from the last few days (sorry, Baltimore), and take his friend up on his challenge. The New York Metropolitans it is.

Basic Stats:
Name: New York
Nickname: Mets (Metropolitans)
NicknameTypology: Human
Definition: “A person who has the sophistication, fashionable taste, or other habits and manners associated with those who live in a metropolis.” (dictionary.com)
Fig. 1 Metropolitans
Characteristics: refinement, sophistication, sissiness, ninnism, laziness

Best thing about the Metropolitan: The Metropolitan generally know where to go to get the best lattes, what time the gallery opens, and which symphony is in town. This is exceedingly important if you are a fan of such things. Frankly, TCM doesn’t know how this helps you if you’re a baseball player, except that someone once told The Common Man that knowledge is power.

Worst thing about Metropolitans: Metropolitans are apparently so lazy they have to shorten the name of their team to the Mets. Perhaps that’s why the team has become a haven to Oliver Perez.


More good news: Metropolitans might appreciate the game in the way that other great artists do and have. US Poet Lauriat Robert Pinsky is a devoted Red Sox fan and wrote in 1998, “There's too much high brow writing about baseball. And the idea of baseball as a bit sacred is corny, I know. But still, this splendid season reminds us that there is something about the game. Baseball combines the predictable, the ordinary, with the extraordinary in a way that more obviously exciting sports don't.” Robert Frost famously compared his profession to the game, “Poets are like baseball pitchers. Both have their moments. The intervals are the tough things.” John Updike wrote one of the greatest essays ever about baseball, in chronicling Ted Williams’ final game. Jack Kerouac privately created, maintained, and wrote about his own fantasy baseball league. Walt Whitman was a fan of the game in general, “I see great things in baseball, It will take our people out-of-doors, fill them with oxygen, give them a larger physical stoicism, tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set, repair those losses and be a blessing to us.” He also told Horace Traubel, “it's our game: that's the chief fact in connection with it: America's game: has the snap, go fling, of the American atmosphere — belongs as much to our institutions, fits into them as significantly, as our constitutions, laws: is just as important in the sum total of our historic life." Metropolitans should eat that stuff up.

On the other hand: Metropolitans tend not to be very athletic. There’s not a lot of space to run freely in the metropolis. TCM tends to imagine half of them going to work in tall office buildings, grabbing quick smokes outside every couple hours, and heading home to order take out from the Chinese place on the ground floor. The other half spends every available daylight hour in a coffee shop, then goes home to get ready to go clubbing. In other news, TCM has a bad imagination. These aren’t the same kids who were playing stickball in Little Italy in the ‘40s. Rather, the Metropolitan is a high falootin’, upper crust, snob if you ask this Common Man from the Upper Midwest. There’s a difference between hailing from a city, and being a Metropolitan.

Final Analysis: It’s hard to take Metropolitans serious as a nickname. Yes, they are likely to be impressed by the people that like baseball, but they probably would never deign to dirty their hands, let alone put on a sweaty glove or grimy helmet. And when the Metropolitans show up with their opera glasses, cigarette holders, and upright posture how can the other team even hope to be intimidated. So you’re from a city. Big deal. So is The Common Man. He doesn’t make a big deal about it. D- Deal with it yuppies and hipsters.

More nickname reviews available here and here.

Nickname Review: Toronto Blue Jay

As a companion to yesterday’s Nickname Review, which Rob Neyer linked to this morning (thanks Rob!), The Common Man is going to press on and objectively assess another member of the MLB nickname avian community: the Toronto Blue Jays.


Basic Stats:

Name: Toronto
Nickname: Blue Jays
NicknameTypology: Bird
Color: Blue, black, and white
Size: 22-30 cm (9-12 in.), 70-100 grams
Special Abilities: Flight, Speech, Teamwork, Super-intelligence, General bad-assery

Best thing about the Blue Jay: Blue Jays are tough as hell. They bully smaller birds, and can band together to fight off predatory birds, such as hawks and owls, that hunt them. They’re kind of like Voltron like that. If the Toronto club is ever going to leapfrog the big boys in the AL East again, that kind of teamwork and toughness are going to be absolutely essential.

Worst thing about the Blue Jay: They’re kind of jerks. As TCM said above, they push around other species that are smaller than they are. While that’s a positive as they try and win ballgames, they’re loud and obnoxious about it. And they’re highly aggressive at taking over other teams’ territory. Indeed, Toronto has recently become the only MLB team in Canada after successfully pushing out the Montreal Expos (or such is TCM’s interpretation of events). And not having baseball in Montreal is a bad thing.

More good news: These birds are super smart. Not only have they learned to work together to survive, but they also can learn to mimic human speech. There is some speculation that they can make and use tools to obtain hard-to-reach food. They also will patiently watch farmers and gardeners plant seeds, remember where those seeds are buried, and go dig them up. If they have a surplus, they’ve been known to save food for later. They are extremely adaptable, to the point where they can even survive the complete deforestation of their habitat, if they can find other sources of food. It helps that they’re omnivorous. Perhaps the new regime headed by Alex Anthopoulos and the Jays’ hot start in 2010 is indicative of this flexibility, intelligence, and resilience. And also, they fly. That’s awesome.

On the other hand: Because they’re intelligent, young blue jays can be easily distracted. They’ve been known to pick up shiny objects and make off with them. They’ll fly around with, say, tin foil in their beaks and play with it until they get bored and remember that they were supposed to help fight off a hawk or eat a caterpillar or something. As Toronto looks to rebuild and get younger, they will have to work hard to avoid this problem. Also, blue jays are kind of amoral.

Final Analysis: Blue Jays do have an AJ Pierzynski-esque jerkiness to them. But we should expect them to have a chip on their shoulder, having to deal with the likes of the Yankees and Red Sox. Other than that, they’re pretty awesome. When the Blue Jays replace man as Earth’s dominant species, TCM hopes they will find this post and fondly remember The Common Man as one of their truest and earliest supporters. And for that reason, they will spare his descendants from the horrible swarming and pecking death that await you all. Blue Jays are bad ass. Don’t piss them off.

Good work, Blue Jays, The Common Man gives you an A!

MLB Nickname Review: St. Louis Cardinal

This past weekend, The Common Man was inspired by an NPR story of two intrepid bloggers with a book coming out, who were handing out letter grades to animals. Jacob Lentz and Andrew Nash brilliantly decided, probably over a lot of alcohol, that the really cool animals were not getting their due, and that someone should take to objectively assessing the performance of each species. So they created Animal Review. For those wondering, pandas, Africanized killer bees, and alpacas get an F. King cobras, great white sharks, and sloths get an A. It seems fair.

The Common Man thinks it’s important that everything get objectively graded, which is why he’s beginning a series of articles grading your team’s mascots/nickname. Frankly, some of you deserve to be taken down a peg or two (I’m looking at you, Red Sox Nation!), and some of you deserve to be rewarded in the face of your great suffering (Pirates…well, not nation…Guy). So in honor of the inspiration for this new series of articles, The Common Man will begin with the only team nickname/mascot that the budding minds over at Animal Review have looked at thusfar: the Cardinals.



First, some basic stats:

Name: St. Louis
Nickname: Cardinals
NicknameTypology: Bird
Color: Red
Size: 20-23 cm, ~45 grams
Special abilities: Flight, Singing, Being Easy to Spot (males only)


Best thing about the Cardinal: The bird is fiercely territorial. According to Animal Review, it “will even attack its own reflection in a mirror.” That equals a massive homefield advantage, Cardinal fans!

Worst thing about the Cardinal: Apparently kind of dumb. It is attacking itself in a mirror, after all.

More good news: Not only are Cardinals fiercely territorial, but they are non-migratory. In fact, as Animal Review reminds us, they rarely stray far from where they were born. Also, they mate for life and are monogamous. Those tidbits are welcome information for Albert Pujols fans who would like to see Prince Albert stay in red.

Also, they have a terrific singing voice, as part of its flashy attempt to pull in a mate. Flying is never not cool. Finally, the sale of cardinals as pets is banned thanks to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918 (despite the fact that it’s non-migratory, but whatever), which means THIS BIRD CANNOT BE CAGED!

On the other hand: It’s awfully small. I mean, 45 grams isn’t a lot. And it’s not very aggressive toward non-Cardinals. Given this, TCM is surprised the Whitey Herzog clubs stole as many bases as they did. Frankly, they’re not very scary. Sure, sparrows are small too, but they divebomb the hell out of The Common Man when he rides his lawnmower, and even useless birds like pigeons and seagulls might poop on you as they fly by. The Cardinal is just kind of pretty. Also, that territorialism could lead to some clubhouse friction.

Final analysis: Cardinals are all right. They are generally beloved because they’re pretty and they sound nice. And they have some really nice qualities that baseball fans look for. They’re very loyal, after all; and that’s nice in an era of free agency. Also, cardinals are very popular. The Arizona Cardinals play in the NFL, there are lots of colleges (including Ball State!) that use them as mascots. Also, seven states have adopted them as the state bird. That said, they just aren’t very exciting as a mascot. Nobody is going to be intimidated by a cardinal, unless he’s wearing a football helmet. And even then, they’re only threatening once every 20-30 years. They simply aren’t very tough. Instead, fans of the cardinal are going to stare politely at it through binoculars and leave food out, hoping to entice them to return.
They’re nice, but not awesome. Like our new friends at Animal Review, The Common Man is forced to give the Cardinals a B- for a nice effort but meh execution.

Update: The Common Man's second nickname review, for the Toronto Blue Jays, is up here.