Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Nicknames For All! (except for Drew Butera)

By The Common Man

The Common Man is working on something else right now, but frankly this was too much fun to ignore for any longer. On Twitter today, TCM proposed a couple new nicknames for his favorite Twins today. Batgirl used to be terrific at this, but since she's no longer active and there are a lot of new faces, TCM thought it was time for some new ones.  In the spirit of that, here are TCM’s nicknames for most of the Opening Day roster:

Joe Mauer = Captain America

He’s the All-American boy and he plays like a superhero. Also, he has a mitt and padding to shield him, and he wears a mask. 

First Base: Justin Morneau = The Mountie

He’s big and burly and from Canada. And he needs a rugged nickname to counteract the perception that he’s somehow a wuss for having a concussion. Finally, you know you’d buy a comic book that had Captain America and The Mountie facing off against The Evil Empire.

Second Base: Tsuyoshi Nishioka = Yoshi

After the adorable dinosaur that tried to ruin Super Mario games.  TCM predicts better things for this Japanese import.

Third base: Danny Valencia = The Hebrew Hurricane

Valencia is Jewish and went to the University of Miami. Sometimes these write themselves.

Shortstop: Alexi Casilla = The Question Mark

Who is he? A shortstop who was mismatched at second base? A good hitter who had terrible years? A bad hitter who got lucky? Something tells TCM that we’ll find out in 2011.

Leftfield: Delmon Young = Skates

Because he plays leftfield like he’s on roller skates, or ice skates, whichever you prefer. Young’s defense is terrible. This used to belong to Lonnie Smith, but he’s long retired. We could update it to Blades instead.

Centerfield: Denard Span = The Nard Dog

The first one to suggests “Denarded” gets kicked in the solar plexus. Hard.

Rightfield: Michael Cuddyer = The Champion of Chesapeake

Remember geographically based nicknames? The Duke of Tralee? The Reading Rifle? Yeah, that’s all TCM’s got here. He’ll accept other suggestions, however.

Outfield-DH: Jason Kubel = Jerry

As in, Kubel should always work with a partner to dull his obnoxious inability to hit lefthanders. Alas, like Jerry Lewis, he often works alone and spoils his talents.

Designated Hitter: Jim Thome = The Masher


Starting pitchers:
Francisco Liriano = FranKKKKie or The Cisco Kid

Either is acceptable. Cisco is more about his youth and being a gunslinger. FranKKKKie denotes the strikeouts he rings up. TCM is happy either way.

Carl Pavano = The ‘Stache

God-willing, it will make a comeback.

Scott Baker = The Kid

Because even with that fake goatee last year, Scott Baker looks like he’s 12 on the mound.

Kevin Slowey = Bullseye

Slowey doesn’t walk anybody and, frankly, TCM’s always thought that Hawkeye was an uninspiring Avenger.

Nick Blackburn = Mugsy

Because somebody’s gotta have a cool, 1940s-esque nickname.

Brian Duensing = The Dunce

Hey, TCM likes Brian Duensing and thinks he should be in the rotation in 2011. But if he didn’t want an insulting nickname, he should have changed his last name.


Joe Nathan = The Executioner

Is this taken already? Boy, TCM hopes not.

Setup: Matt Capps = State Farm

He’s the expensive insurance policy in case Joe Nathan isn’t healthy to start the year.

Setup: Jose Mijares = Lumpy

Again, not all nicknames are nice, even though TCM like Mijares a lot. And Mijares kind of has a slovenly look about him on the mound.

Setup: Pat Neshek = The Freak

Neshek can keep his nickname. Also, he’s awesome.


IF: Matt Tolbert = Bump

He can’t hit, and doesn’t really field that well. Best if he just sits there like a bump on the bench and doesn’t move for nine innings.

Backup OF: Jason Repko = The Human High-Five

With Thome and Morneau back, Repko’s not going to get as much playing time this year, so he needs to work on his high-fiving skills on the bench and live up to this name.

Backup C: Drew Butera = Drew Butera

Frankly, The Common Man can’t be bothered to come up with a nickname for Drew Butera. He’s just worthless. If he just stopped coming to the ballpark, the only person who would notice is Carl Pavano.

(Update: Check the comments, as reader Taye's got a great suggestion for Drew Butera. TCM's pleased he didn't have to expend energy on that one.)


Dwade said...

While the Executioner is still free, Joakim Soria is known as the Mexicutioner. Tweak is still my favorite Joe Nathan nickname for, of course, the fact that he looks like he might be on uppers when he's on the mound.

Taye Povs said...

I prefer Droobe (U. Tara) for Drew. His semi-inexplicable existence "at the Major League level" deserves a nickname in my books.

Drew: "Cuddy, are they booing me?"

Cuddyer: "Uh, no, Drew. They're saying 'Drooooobe'. Droooooobe."

Drew: [to crowd] "Are you saying 'boo' or 'Droobe'?"

Crowd: [to Drew] "Boooo!!"

95-year-old version of me: [to myself] "I was saying Droobe."

Anonymous said...

The WGOM has a few good ones you might want to consider:

"Sideshow" Pat Neshek (slight circus freak)
Scott "Light Rail" Baker
Brendan [redacted] Harris (thank god he's gone)
_elmon Young (he's got no "d", although last year he found some "o")

William Tasker - Caribou, ME said...

_elmon Young was brilliant! No D. Priceless comment.

Anonymous said...

my brother and i used to call sal butera "the butt". for obvious reasons. we've been calling drew lil butt

Ian said...

It should be "Baby Face" Baker. And I prefer calling Morneau the Canuck over the Mountie.

And couldn't Blackburn be Blackie or Blackbeard over Mugsy?

Bill said...

I drop by the WGOM now and then. Good stuff. "Light Rail" is one I don't get the meaning of at all.

Nick Wilson said...

One of 'Cisco's K's should be looking away. But I don't know how to type a backwards K.

Anonymous said...

I always loved the name "Light Rail" Baker. (Because, if Walter Johnson was the Big Train, then Scott Baker....)

Luke said...

Delmon's nickname shall forever be 'First Pitch'

Bill said...

Still don't get "Light Rail," I'm afraid. How does that apply to Scott Baker better than the thousands of other MLB pitchers who have not been Walter Johnson (or Carl "Big Train" Willis)?

I'm sticking with _elm_n for Young, personally. It's brilliant, and I'm not at all convinced of either his D or his O just yet.

Adam said...

Can't use the No "D" nickname for Elmon Young... as appropriate as it might be that nickname was already used in this town by Ricky Avis of the Timberwolves a few years back.

For Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn I like to call them the Twins "In Flight Crew" or the "Stewardesses" or the "In-Flight Movie Triple Feature" ... I hope there is no explanation needed for these...

Bryz said...

I prefer Dunce (or Duens) Cap for Duensing.

How about Pops for Thome? Hints at his age and his bat.

Thrylos used to call Butera "Nepo-Drew" since he was seemingly on the roster only because his dad was a former Twin (thus nepotism).

JB (the Original) said...

Always went with "Ol' Hoss" for Nathan the way he whinnies/neighs before each pitch, and "Dudley" for Morneau.

Michael said...

Pavano: PavStache > 'Stache
Blackburn = Blackbeard
Capps = Fat Capps
Mijares = Mujeres
Nishioka = The Jap
Casilla = Sexi Lexi
Delmon = Delmonster
Thome = Jim Fuckin Thome
Baker = MOOONshot Baker
And I'm gonna miss Big Daddy Rauch

These are just names me and my roommate use when we talk about the Twins. Didn't come up with any of them on the spot.

Bill said...

Mijares is a "women" and Nishioka is an offensive racial slur? Awesome.

Anonymous said...

Common should not change his nickname for Scott Baker. It should and always will be "Moon-Shot Scott"!

cribs for twins said...

my brother and i used to call sal butera "the butt". for obvious reasons. we've been calling drew lil butt