Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Joe Mauer = Captain America
First Base: Justin Morneau = The Mountie
He’s big and burly and from Canada. And he needs a rugged nickname to counteract the perception that he’s somehow a wuss for having a concussion. Finally, you know you’d buy a comic book that had Captain America and The Mountie facing off against The Evil Empire.
Second Base: Tsuyoshi Nishioka = Yoshi
After the adorable dinosaur that tried to ruin Super Mario games. TCM predicts better things for this Japanese import.
Third base: Danny Valencia = The Hebrew Hurricane
Shortstop: Alexi Casilla = The Question Mark
Who is he? A shortstop who was mismatched at second base? A good hitter who had terrible years? A bad hitter who got lucky? Something tells TCM that we’ll find out in 2011.
Leftfield: Delmon Young = Skates
Because he plays leftfield like he’s on roller skates, or ice skates, whichever you prefer. Young’s defense is terrible. This used to belong to Lonnie Smith, but he’s long retired. We could update it to Blades instead.
Centerfield: Denard Span = The Nard Dog
The first one to suggests “Denarded” gets kicked in the solar plexus. Hard.
Rightfield: Michael Cuddyer = The Champion of Chesapeake
Remember geographically based nicknames? The Duke of Tralee? The Reading Rifle? Yeah, that’s all TCM’s got here. He’ll accept other suggestions, however.
Outfield-DH: Jason Kubel = Jerry
As in, Kubel should always work with a partner to dull his obnoxious inability to hit lefthanders. Alas, like Jerry Lewis, he often works alone and spoils his talents.
Designated Hitter: Jim Thome = The Masher
Because JIMBO BE MASHIN SOME TATERS.
Carl Pavano = The ‘Stache
God-willing, it will make a comeback.
Scott Baker = The Kid
Because even with that fake goatee last year, Scott Baker looks like he’s 12 on the mound.
Kevin Slowey = Bullseye
Slowey doesn’t walk anybody and, frankly, TCM’s always thought that Hawkeye was an uninspiring Avenger.
Nick Blackburn = Mugsy
Because somebody’s gotta have a cool, 1940s-esque nickname.
Brian Duensing = The Dunce
Hey, TCM likes Brian Duensing and thinks he should be in the rotation in 2011. But if he didn’t want an insulting nickname, he should have changed his last name.
Closer: Joe Nathan = The Executioner
Is this taken already? Boy, TCM hopes not.
Setup: Matt Capps = State Farm
He’s the expensive insurance policy in case Joe Nathan isn’t healthy to start the year.
Setup: Jose Mijares = Lumpy
Again, not all nicknames are nice, even though TCM like Mijares a lot. And Mijares kind of has a slovenly look about him on the mound.
Setup: Pat Neshek = The Freak
Neshek can keep his nickname. Also, he’s awesome.
Backup IF: Matt Tolbert = Bump
He can’t hit, and doesn’t really field that well. Best if he just sits there like a bump on the bench and doesn’t move for nine innings.
Backup OF: Jason Repko = The Human High-Five
With Thome and Morneau back, Repko’s not going to get as much playing time this year, so he needs to work on his high-fiving skills on the bench and live up to this name.
Backup C: Drew Butera = Drew Butera
Frankly, The Common Man can’t be bothered to come up with a nickname for Drew Butera. He’s just worthless. If he just stopped coming to the ballpark, the only person who would notice is Carl Pavano.
(Update: Check the comments, as reader Taye's got a great suggestion for Drew Butera. TCM's pleased he didn't have to expend energy on that one.)