By The Common Man
The Common Man is working on something else right now, but frankly this was too much fun to ignore for any longer. On Twitter today, TCM proposed a couple new nicknames for his favorite Twins today. Batgirl used to be terrific at this, but since she's no longer active and there are a lot of new faces, TCM thought it was time for some new ones. In the spirit of that, here are TCM’s nicknames for most of the Opening Day roster:
Joe Mauer = Captain America
He’s the All-American boy and he plays like a superhero. Also, he has a mitt and padding to shield him, and he wears a mask.
He’s big and burly and from Canada. And he needs a rugged nickname to counteract the perception that he’s somehow a wuss for having a concussion. Finally, you know you’d buy a comic book that had Captain America and The Mountie facing off against The Evil Empire.
After the adorable dinosaur that tried to ruin Super Mario games. TCM predicts better things for this Japanese import.
Third base: Danny Valencia = The Hebrew Hurricane
Valencia is Jewish and went to the University of Miami. Sometimes these write themselves.
Shortstop: Alexi Casilla = The Question Mark
Who is he? A shortstop who was mismatched at second base? A good hitter who had terrible years? A bad hitter who got lucky? Something tells TCM that we’ll find out in 2011.
Because he plays leftfield like he’s on roller skates, or ice skates, whichever you prefer. Young’s defense is terrible. This used to belong to Lonnie Smith, but he’s long retired. We could update it to Blades instead.
The first one to suggests “Denarded” gets kicked in the solar plexus. Hard.
Rightfield: Michael Cuddyer = The Champion of Chesapeake
Remember geographically based nicknames? The Duke of Tralee? The Reading Rifle? Yeah, that’s all TCM’s got here. He’ll accept other suggestions, however.
As in, Kubel should always work with a partner to dull his obnoxious inability to hit lefthanders. Alas, like Jerry Lewis, he often works alone and spoils his talents.
Because JIMBO BE MASHIN SOME TATERS.
Starting pitchers:
Either is acceptable. Cisco is more about his youth and being a gunslinger. FranKKKKie denotes the strikeouts he rings up. TCM is happy either way.
God-willing, it will make a comeback.
Because even with that fake goatee last year, Scott Baker looks like he’s 12 on the mound.
Kevin Slowey = Bullseye
Slowey doesn’t walk anybody and, frankly, TCM’s always thought that Hawkeye was an uninspiring Avenger.
Because somebody’s gotta have a cool, 1940s-esque nickname.
Brian Duensing = The Dunce
Hey, TCM likes Brian Duensing and thinks he should be in the rotation in 2011. But if he didn’t want an insulting nickname, he should have changed his last name.
Closer: Joe Nathan = The Executioner
Is this taken already? Boy, TCM hopes not.
Setup: Matt Capps = State Farm
He’s the expensive insurance policy in case Joe Nathan isn’t healthy to start the year.
Again, not all nicknames are nice, even though TCM like Mijares a lot. And Mijares kind of has a slovenly look about him on the mound.
Setup: Pat Neshek = The Freak
Neshek can keep his nickname. Also, he’s awesome.
Backup IF: Matt Tolbert = Bump
He can’t hit, and doesn’t really field that well. Best if he just sits there like a bump on the bench and doesn’t move for nine innings.
With Thome and Morneau back, Repko’s not going to get as much playing time this year, so he needs to work on his high-fiving skills on the bench and live up to this name.
Backup C: Drew Butera = Drew Butera
Frankly, The Common Man can’t be bothered to come up with a nickname for Drew Butera. He’s just worthless. If he just stopped coming to the ballpark, the only person who would notice is Carl Pavano.
(Update: Check the comments, as reader Taye's got a great suggestion for Drew Butera. TCM's pleased he didn't have to expend energy on that one.)
Catcher:
18 comments:
While the Executioner is still free, Joakim Soria is known as the Mexicutioner. Tweak is still my favorite Joe Nathan nickname for, of course, the fact that he looks like he might be on uppers when he's on the mound.
I prefer Droobe (U. Tara) for Drew. His semi-inexplicable existence "at the Major League level" deserves a nickname in my books.
Drew: "Cuddy, are they booing me?"
Cuddyer: "Uh, no, Drew. They're saying 'Drooooobe'. Droooooobe."
Drew: [to crowd] "Are you saying 'boo' or 'Droobe'?"
Crowd: [to Drew] "Boooo!!"
95-year-old version of me: [to myself] "I was saying Droobe."
The WGOM has a few good ones you might want to consider:
"Sideshow" Pat Neshek (slight circus freak)
Scott "Light Rail" Baker
Brendan [redacted] Harris (thank god he's gone)
_elmon Young (he's got no "d", although last year he found some "o")
_elmon Young was brilliant! No D. Priceless comment.
my brother and i used to call sal butera "the butt". for obvious reasons. we've been calling drew lil butt
It should be "Baby Face" Baker. And I prefer calling Morneau the Canuck over the Mountie.
And couldn't Blackburn be Blackie or Blackbeard over Mugsy?
I drop by the WGOM now and then. Good stuff. "Light Rail" is one I don't get the meaning of at all.
One of 'Cisco's K's should be looking away. But I don't know how to type a backwards K.
I always loved the name "Light Rail" Baker. (Because, if Walter Johnson was the Big Train, then Scott Baker....)
Delmon's nickname shall forever be 'First Pitch'
Still don't get "Light Rail," I'm afraid. How does that apply to Scott Baker better than the thousands of other MLB pitchers who have not been Walter Johnson (or Carl "Big Train" Willis)?
I'm sticking with _elm_n for Young, personally. It's brilliant, and I'm not at all convinced of either his D or his O just yet.
Can't use the No "D" nickname for Elmon Young... as appropriate as it might be that nickname was already used in this town by Ricky Avis of the Timberwolves a few years back.
For Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn I like to call them the Twins "In Flight Crew" or the "Stewardesses" or the "In-Flight Movie Triple Feature" ... I hope there is no explanation needed for these...
I prefer Dunce (or Duens) Cap for Duensing.
How about Pops for Thome? Hints at his age and his bat.
Thrylos used to call Butera "Nepo-Drew" since he was seemingly on the roster only because his dad was a former Twin (thus nepotism).
Always went with "Ol' Hoss" for Nathan the way he whinnies/neighs before each pitch, and "Dudley" for Morneau.
Pavano: PavStache > 'Stache
Blackburn = Blackbeard
Capps = Fat Capps
Mijares = Mujeres
Nishioka = The Jap
Casilla = Sexi Lexi
Delmon = Delmonster
Thome = Jim Fuckin Thome
Baker = MOOONshot Baker
And I'm gonna miss Big Daddy Rauch
These are just names me and my roommate use when we talk about the Twins. Didn't come up with any of them on the spot.
Mijares is a "women" and Nishioka is an offensive racial slur? Awesome.
Common should not change his nickname for Scott Baker. It should and always will be "Moon-Shot Scott"!
my brother and i used to call sal butera "the butt". for obvious reasons. we've been calling drew lil butt
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