Opening the Wallet

What slumping economy? As the American financial system grinds to a halt and crumbles, the New York Yankees are doing their best to imitate a small country. In the spirit of giving (and 'tis the season), the Yanks have committed to giving out $423.5 million in salary to Mark Texeira (8 years, $180 million), CC Sabathia (7 years, $161 million), and AJ Burnett (5 years, $82.5 million). Like a drunk Paris Hilton at the Mall of America, the Yankees have bought up every high-ticket item on the market this year, and now have the four highest per-season salaries in the game (ARod, Jeter, Sabathia, and Texeira). Indeed, perhaps this is some kind of largesse, a ballplayer bailout, designed to get the economy moving again.

The Yankees have spent the last 15 years outspending their competitors to remain competitive. They have no world championships to show for it since 2000. While their spending has helped them remain competitive, they have been unable to get another elusive championship...much to the chagrine of the Steinbrenners. The difference between the last few attempts to buy a championship and this one, however, is that this year the Yanks are clearly targeting the best players in free agency, those players conform almost exactly to the Yankees' needs on the field, and they are signing them at the right point in their career. Rather than spending another bucket of cash on a broken down Carl Pavano or a past-his-prime Roger Clemens or Randy Johnson, the Yankees have targeted young players with strong track records, and have been willing to overpay for them.



Now, The Common Man has no love of the Yankees. He finds their strategy to fix previous mistakes by throwing money at the problem both inefficient and graceless. They keep building a bigger and more expensive mousetrap to capture the World Series, even though the simpler mousetraps still work fine. Sure, the Yankees may catch the "mouse" eventually, but their method is flawed.

That said, The Common Man is kind of excited that the Yankees have raised the stakes like this. After getting outplayed by the Red Sox since 2004, the Yankees have thrown down and have signaled to the Sox, the AL East, and the rest of the league that they are the team to beat in 2009 and beyond. Their moves have made the rivalry with the Sox more intense (which is great for attracting more casual fans to the game) and up the overall level of Yankee-hating to a new high (which is good for any team playing the Yankees, as more fans will come to the ballpark, and listen and watch more games to watch their hometown 9 beat the vaunted Bronx Bombers). And that kind of buzz and excitement can only be good for the game, particularly since the Yankees aren't likely to win every year no matter how much they spend. And perhaps given how much money they have siphoned and scammed from the public coffers in order to get their ballpart built, they owe it to their fans to make a splash and go for it all.

Travel Travails

After getting up at 3:30 to get to the airport at 6:00 for a flight that left at 7:00, The Common Man did not have the energy to blog yesterday. He hopes you all understand and can forgive him for not being quite as dedicated as Mike Wilson, who live-blogged his own plane crash using Twitter (The Common Man's favorite line: "You have your wits scared out of you, drag your butt out of a flaming ball of wreckage and you can't even get a vodka-tonic.")

And frankly, the day didn't lend itself to putting The Common Man in the best blogging mood anyway. There was the lack of sleep the night before, which weighed heavily on his overall mood. Then, on the first flight, The Boy was acting more rambunctious than usual. Eventually, he peed through his diaper and into The Common Man's lap, meaning that your friendly, neighborhood The Common Man was soaked in urine for the rest of the day. At the second airport of the trip, things went from bad to worse. The plane was delayed for an hour because one of the flight attendants wasn't there yet (she was coming in on another flight, which was itself running late), and FAA regulations state that there must be 6 men and women on board to serve The Common Man drinks and sell him a $4 bag of mini-oreos, not 5.


Then, as the crowd grew ever more impatient and the moment of boarding came ever closer, the gate agent began playing a fun game. "When we begin boarding the plane," she said, "we will begin with passengers traveling in first class, then elite members, then we will be boarding from the back of the plane." Like any impatient mob, the fliers began pushing forward, sure that the boarding process was about to begin. "Thank you for being patient, ladies and gentlemen. What I said was, 'when we begin boarding the plane...'. We are not ready to board yet, and will not be for another 15 minutes. Please step back from the gate area."

Oh, Siren, you had tricked The Common Man and his fellow travelers, luring them in with your sweet promises of boarding and safe passage, only to rebuff them at the last moment and take from them their hope (The Common Man just finished listening to an audiobook of The Odyssey.), but he will not be fooled again. Twenty minutes later, the temptress and gatekeeper returned to the PA system and announced that first class passengers could begin boarding, rows 1-3. After giving them sufficient time to take their golden chariots and slave-driven litters down the gateway, she announced, "Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen, we will now be boarding all rows (long, heavy pause, in which the crowd surges forward once more like a tsunami upon the beach) in first class, rows 1-6." And the crowd receded from her, angry and resentful, muttering and threatening to surge forward again like so many waves upon the shore. Oh, how she had tricked The Common Man again, for he did not know that first class was 6 rows deep!

After dispatching the opulant first class passengers, she called forth the elite fliers and allowed them to board. Then she began the process of boarding the rest of the embittered crowd from the back of the plane. "Rows 36-41," she announced, again thanking the crowd for its patience, as though there were some other choice. After 4-5 minutes to allow the first group of plebs a headstart down the jetbridge, she came back to her podium, protected from the sweaty, grumbling, growingly hostile mass of (by now) semi-humanity in front of her. She spoke, "Now boarding all rows and all passengers on this flight."

The crowd sat stunned, as did The Common Man. He looked at The Uncommon Wife for confirmation. Had she abandoned the plan after 3 minutes? And what was to happen next? "Hold on!" yelled The Common Man, as 300 weary and desperate travelers rushed forward. Swept up in the momentum, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife held tight to The Boy's stroller and were lifted to the top of this throng, riding it like a boogie-board on top of the wave, praying that it would deliver them safely down the jetbridge, and not send them spiralling off toward the rocks (glass windows) on either side of the door. And so it did.

And 3 hours later, The Common Man and his family made it safely to the American desert, where it was warm and sunny and gate agents are never useless teases whose only desire is to dash whatever slim hopes of happy travels that people have onto sharp rocks of despair. And so, The Common Man is in a much better mood today, eating his grandmother's chocolate chip cookies (mmm...the perfect food), drinking beer, and typing unmolested while The Boy's grandparents take him to Cosco. The next few days should be good and The Common Man looks foward to sharing them with you. In the meantime, just to irk Bikemonkey, here are The Muppets singing "Silent Night" with John Denver:

Around the Horn

Over at The Mantuary, The Founding Father has featured perhaps the manliest product The Common Man has seen in a long time. It's small, powerful, practical, and affordable. It is, ladies and gentlemen, the pocket chainsaw. Just how it works is a mystery to The Common Man, as The Founding Father was a little light on the details. However, he claims that it allowed him to fell his own Christmas tree in 58 seconds flat (impressive, indeed). It also is small enough to fit in your pocket, making it ideal to take on camping trips or for any other occasions you think you might need to pull a chainsaw out of your pocket (which happens to The Common Man at least once a day. And at just $22 on Amazon, The Common Man challenges any real man to not get one. How can anyone with testosterone possibly resist?


The Art of Manliness is always abundant with advice and information for the manly man, but was particularly impressive this week, as they explained both how to be a good party guest and how to dress appropriately for a job interview. Given that The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife really enjoy entertaining, he appreciated the party guest advice, and hopes some of his future guests were paying attention. And he hopes that no one spills a gravy boat of orange sauce on the floor, and grinds pink frosting into the carpet without telling anyone at future parties. That cost The Common Man a security deposit once. Also, buried deep in the comments of the interview post, one man's sad secret is revealed, that he has no idea how to tie a tie. The mind reels at the thought.

Shysterball has spent a lot of words going over just how hypocritical and corrupt the New York Yankess and the New York City government have been over the construction of the new Yankee Stadium that is scheduled to open next spring. And now, he has proof in the form of emails. According to Juan Gonzalez of the Daily News, "In March 2006, the city's chief tax assessor put the market value for the stadium site at $27 million, far lower than the Yankees wanted. A Finance Department official ordered him to redo the report. Within hours, he jacked up it up to $204 million." This allowed the Yankees to qualify for almost a $1 billion in tax-exempt bonds. As Shysterball says, "New Yankee Stadium is built on a foundation of graft." In tough economic times, this particular pickpocketing of the public coffers is tough to take, especially since the Major League Baseball in general, and the Yankees in particular, are flush with cash. Their financial outlook is entirely different from the Big Three automakers and big banks, whose bailout The Common Man tends to support.


The Common Man may be out of touch tomorrow. But he'll try to check back in tomorrow night. If he can't, he'll see you beautiful people on Mondahy. A manly day of football to you all. Go Vikings!

Blowing In the Breeze

The Common Man grew up in and around snow. He enjoys snow. He has enjoyed taking The Boy out into the snow and teaching him about snow angels and snow balls. When the snow is wet enough, he will enjoy teaching The Boy about snow men. He even enjoys shoveling, as it's good exercise. But today, as The Common Man spent more than an hour and a half shoveling a foot of snow off his driveway and sidewalk, he almost made a run for it. Fortunately, The Common Man has a manly amount of patience and warm weather seems far, far away. So he stayed put.


As a result of the shoveling, tonight The Common Man is sore and tired. His arms and legs ache, and he has a cramping feeling in the small of his back (though it's not nearly as painful as realizing his self-imposed moratorium on political blogging means he won't be talking about the trolls in California who want to nullify those same-sex marriages already on the books). It's enough to make The Common Man reconsider The Uncommon Wife's suggestion to buy a snowblower.

Sure, The Common Man would get less exercise, but as he watched his neighbors, one-by-one, breeze through their driveways, The Common Man was forced to reconsider his position. Think of the time saved! Think of the fun of pushing around an awesome and loud piece of equipment, seeing the snow fly in a high arc off the driveway and into the yard.

The Common Man, however, has dedicated himself to being as manly and awesome as he can be. So this raises the question, is it manlier to shovel or to snowblow? On the one hand, physical activity is entirely manly. Even in the snow, it's possible to work up a good sweat. And though your muscles burn and back aches as you return the shovel to the garage, you have the manly satisfaction of knowing you have done good work. On the other, guys love their toys. A big, powerful snowblower would totally be manly, wouldn't it?

The Common Man solicits your opinions in the comments below. Shovel or snowplow? And feel free to vote in the new poll on the right.

Decisions, Decisions

The Common Man's self-imposed ban on politics means that he will not weigh in on Barack Obama's decision to invite Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at his inauguration (except to say that, while it's a nice gesture to the right about inclusiveness, he considers it a bad message to send to the LGBT community who has supported the President-Elect so strongly). But other strange decisions have caught The Common Man's attention today:

--For instance, on Tuesday, police in Douglasville, GA arrested a Muslim woman who refused to remove her hijab, for violating a judge's order that no one in the courthouse may wear headgear. Now, The Common Man's grandmother always used to scold him (and still does) whenever he wore a hat indoors, as she considered it impolite. That said, this is a very different situation, where a hijab is an essential part of this woman's religious beliefs. And if she cannot wear her hijab in court, she feels that she cannot enter the court. And if she (and other Muslim women, or Jews wearing yamakas, or Mennonites wearing bonnets) cannot enter the court, they cannot expect to receive justice. The judge, not sympathetic to the idea of religious freedom, sentenced the woman to 10 days in jail, though she has since been released.

The Georgia Attorney General's office points out that the issue is left to the discretion of the judge, and that there are no regulations on whether such headgear is allowed. But the reasons for the judge's ban are unclear. If the issue here is safety, it would presumably be acceptable for her to remove the hijab in the presence of a female officer, thereby resolving any concern that there was a bazooka under her scarf. But if this is about some cultural difference that the judge feels compelled to take a stand on, then there is really no reason for him to continue to be a judge. If something as silly as a hijab offends his sensibilities and renders him incapable of fairly adjudicating, he should be removed.

-- In New Jersey, last week, a ShopRite grocery store inexplicably refused to decorate a three-year old's birthday cake. Sadly, poor little Adolf Hitler Campbell couldn't have the marble sheetcake with vanilla frosting, decorated with Elmo that he wanted. The parents, understandably, were upset with the store's decision. After all, their son is only 3, not likely to grow up to murder millions (regardless of how messed up his family is), and Hitler totally died, like, 60 years ago. So get over it, grocery store, and write Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler on the damn cake already.


OK, that's as much B.S. as The Common Man is capable of writing in a single lifetime. Seriously, at issue here is not the store's decision to refuse to write a patently offensive phrase on a cake they bake, and put in a box with their store's label on it. At issue is yet another set of parents who view their children as commodities, as a way to make a statement. Like the idiot who named his daughter Sarah McCain Palin a month or two back, these parents have no more regard for their children than as vehicles for them to express a fucked up agenda at the expense of years of future therapy and resentment. These parents have set their boy (and their daughters, The Common Man shits you not, little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler) up for failure. C'mon, middle school and high school are hard enough.

Also shameful in this debacle is the parents' refusal to take responsibility for their actions, denying that they harbored any racism when they named their children. According to the Associated Press, "Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because 'no one else in the world would have that name.'" Please, Mr. Campbell. If you're going to be proud enough of your beliefs to name your kids after the heroes of the neo-Nazi movement, you should at least be man enough to tell the world about it. Don't hide behind some doe-eyed desire for the boy to be unique.

-- Finally, the Big Three automakers have all announced their decision to shut down production this January, extending the normal holiday work stoppage to keep costs down and avoid flooding the market with cars no one will buy. While The Common Man understands this decision may be necessary to a certain degree, he thinks this stoppage might have a more devious goal.


In addition to shutting down their production lines, GM is halting construction of a new plant where they are planning to make the engines for the new, electric Chevy Volt. With high oil prices still fresh in Americans' minds, and energy independence and security high on the incoming President's agenda, the Volt is perhaps the best way for Chevy to come back from this hit. Slowing production on what could be the savior of the company is either a desperate move, or a calculated one. This could be, The Common Man fears, an all-in bluff by the auto industry to show Congress and its workers what the future could look like without some form of government bailout. And it will undoubtedly be scary for millions of Americans, including Congress, to see this stoppage. And while The Common Man will defer to smarter minds on whether a bailout is a good idea, he is disappointed at what looks like an underhanded power play by the Big Three, on the backs of their own workers, to get what they want for Christmas.

Science Faction

Good news typically does not come out of Cleveland, so today is an auspicious day. According to CNN.com, two week ago an eight-surgeon team performed 22-hours of surgery to transplant the face of a deceased woman onto a woman with a severe deformity in her face. Since the surgery, the recipient has been recovering slowly but comfortably, and has not yet seen her face.

Once upon a time, John Travolta, Nic Cage, and John Woo had a dream that their fantastic (in all senses of the word) film Face/Off would lead to revolutions in face-transplanting technology. Their ridiculous action movie made the case that facial transplants were not just possible, but were easy and totally awesome. Now, just 11 short years later, those days are finally here!

Of course, it's not easy yet. The Cleveland patient has six months of rehab ahead of her, and must relearn how to smile, how to regain her facial motions, and must take an extensive battery of immunosuppressants for the rest of her life. That said, this is wonderful news for a lot of people in the United States. All joking aside, The Common Man hopes that this woman's life is vastly improved by the surgery. It sounds as though her life was both physically and psychicly painful before this, with no right eye, no upper jaw, no sense of smell or taste, and having been called names on the street whenever she ventured out of her home.

That there are people who are against the possibility for this surgery is baffling. One such opponent, Peter Clarke of the Institute of Catholic Bioethics argues that the potential risks and side-effects are unacceptable for a surgery that is not life-or-death. But given the magnitude of the deformities in question, and that this surgery is considered a last resort, and that patients are carefully screened in advance, The Common Man is confident that the surgery is the only viable option for some Americans in order to go on. As Arthur Caplan, the head of the University of Pennsylvania's Medical Ethics Department, points out, "have a huge suicide rate" and their quality of life tends to be poor. And it's not like anyone is going to the surgeon and asking for their face to be taken off so they can get a George Clooney, neither the donors nor the patients have any idea what the other looks like, so they don't get to pick their face. Like with birth, it's the luck of the draw.

The Common Man hopes that medical breakthroughs like this continue, and that these options are available to suffering men and women around the world. Medicine has advanced so far so quickly that the things doctors can do today are practically miracles.

Welcome One and All

The Common Man has been fortunate enough to be blogrolled by the lovely and delightful Dr. Isis today, and he wishes to welcome any and all of you who visit here from her divine site. If you want a better sense of what the site is about, I'd look here for The Common Man's extended exchange with BikeMonkey on the nature of religion and atheism, here for The Common Man's recommendation of Firefly, the single greatest show ever, and here for The Common Man's treatise on spanking and what he will do to the first teacher who ever lays a hand on The Boy (The Common Man's two-year old son). Or feel free to browse on your own. The Common Man also reviews film, books, and beer, and talks extensively about politics and popular culture. And about being a man, a father, and a son. And, in honor of your visit, here are some fireworks:



And an idiot sticking his hand in an alligator's mouth: