Thursday, January 12, 2012

30 teams, 30 reasons to hate

by Jason Wojciechowski
Following up on my last post, here is one thing for each team (almost each team) that I hold against that team's fans. I hate all of you.
Yankees -- Jeffrey Maier. I don't care how long ago it was. Jeffrey Maier
Red Sox -- pink hats, dogg. Pink hats.
Rays -- your very existence confounds me. If you're a Floridian who was desperate for a baseball team of your own, how did you not end up with the Marlins? I mean, be a fan of who you want, I don't care. I just don't get it.
Blue Jays -- if your country didn't exist, hockey probably wouldn't either. I don't know if you invented it (you probably didn't), but you are surely perpetuating it.
Orioles -- Earl Weaver is still alive, ain't he? Why have you not stormed the Orioles' offices and demanded that he be made manager?
White Sox -- you should be a Cubs fan. Why aren't you a Cubs fan? Are you bearist? You literally root for laundry. Go be a Cubs fan.
Twins -- Look, I'm not trying to get fired. I know what's good for me
Tigers -- your great grandparents probably rooted for Ty Cobb, didn't they?
Royals -- I went to Arthur Bryant's once and they threw sauce all over my shirt and pants. My favorite shirt and pants. Those were Royals fans who did that.
Indians -- Chief Wahoo
A's -- you're a Raiders fan too, aren't you? Yeah.
Mariners -- you've got the most awesome lookalike in the entire league, a flat dead ringer for Ichiro, and he discredits you all by leaning over the rail and touching a live ball! You must take responsibility for teaching your lookalikes better
Rangers -- GWB
Angels -- Arte Moreno tried to claim Los Angeles for himself and y'all just go along with it? Have some pride in your county, Orange
Astros -- one of your own, by managing to successfully run on the field, has only emboldened an entire generation of loser copy-cats who will take away from the product we've all paid to see
Brewers -- stop glorifying sausage!
Cardinals -- I am not in favor of booing, but it is incumbent on you to boo your manager when he changes pitchers three times in one inning. Your failure to do so reflects poorly on you
Cubs -- put a shirt on!
Reds -- I've had your chili, man, and that ain't food
Pirates -- I've got something on everybody but I've got nothing on Pittsburgh or its fans. I like Michael Chabon, "yinz" is kind of charming, I'm Polish, and I still feel bad for you about Pat Meares. I'm sorry
Mets -- I was in an un-air-conditioned 7 train car to a game once. I'm putting this on the entire city.
Phillies -- J.D. Drew and Santa Claus? (I know that was the Eagles, but it counts)
Marlins -- you're just letting this fish tank behind home plate happen? This calls for Occupation
Braves -- the tomahawk chop. (Most of this post is just fun, but I'm kind of serious about this one.)
Nationals -- you stole the Expos and you don't even care
Giants -- you're not A's fans
Dodgers -- the Dodger Dog isn't even a thing. It's just a hot dog. Stop it
Padres -- Tony Gwynn is in the Hall of Fame but Tim Raines isn't. I don't know why this is your fault, but it is
Diamondbacks -- get your children out of that damn pool
Rockies -- Rocky Mountain Oysters. Look, just ... don't even start with me

(Having learned that some people don't realize when things aren't entirely serious, let me just note that I'm kidding. I love all of you.)
((Most of you.))


Dan McCloskey said...

You were really asking your readers to come up with reasons to hate Twins fans, right? ;) Is the fact they put up with the Metrodome for so long good enough? Not only was it a terrible stadium for baseball, the one time I went there they had troughs (instead of urinals) and mango hand soap in the bathroom. Now that's a mixed message if I ever heard one.

I love folks from Pittsburgh as much as the next guy, but I'm not so sure "yinz" is charming.

Mark Smith said...

The damn Twins cheat to win World Series. That's what's wrong with them. Never Forget!

-- Anonymous

Bill said...