Profiling Saber Boy

By Mark Smith

If you didn’t see all the hubbub on Twitter last night concerning Bill, take a look here to get a look at a recap to see what got it started. Basically, Keith Law and Bill called out Randy Miller, who no longer covers baseball, for submitting a blank ballot as his vote for the Hall of Fame, and after several inane excuses, Miller called Bill “Saber boy”. As you might imagine, the baseball-Twitter-geek-blogging part of the Twitterosphere went into a category 5 hurricane of asking Bill to change his handle (I think I was first, damn it), figuring out what Bill’s super powers would be, trying to make the best photoshopped avatar, and the usual blind rage. After what seemed like an hour, the storm finally waned, and Twitter went back to trying to figure out how many ways it could make the joke that they could predict that one SEC team would lose the National Championship game last night. All in all, what began as a bad day ended up pretty good for our new super hero.

What we have to do now is figure out the story from here. What does Saber Boy fight? What powers does he have? Where does he live? And most importantly, who are the villains?

Setting: Twitter, Somewhere in Minnesota, around now.

Lair/Hideout: Bill’s Mom’s Basement (obvs)

Disguise: Avatar and Twitter Handle (@Saber_Boy)

Fights: Idiocy, Intellectual Bankruptcy, Logical Disconnects, Plagiarists, My Twitter Handle, Dolts, Bumbling Ineptitude, Dumbassery

Super Powers: Intertubes-Piercing Logic, Sharp Wit, Hashtags, Papal Infallibility, Use of Spreadsheets and Facts

Sidekicks: The Common Man, JL Beane

Super Villains: (villain: crime; special powers/moves/weapons)

- Randy Miller: Sinister laziness; throws blank ballots in a Gambit-like fashion

- John Heyman: Rumor-mongering and analytical ineptitude; creates look-alikes called “Mystery Teams” (find Scott Boras and you’ll find the real Heyman)

- Dr. Strangeglove: Using errors and fielding percentage; throws exploding baseballs inaccurately (mostly collateral damage)

- Winning Pitcher: Using win-loss records; frisbeeing old musical records (frequent elbow injuries keep him out of commission)

- Life-Saver: Acts like he’s about to save you before blowing you up; bombs (surprisingly lethal to intellect)

- Blogger Chass: Mind-blurrying nostalgia; clichés, anachronisms, stories whose truth has yet to be verified (note: can turn a group of old people against you in a hurry)

- McCarver: Too many to list; tools of ignorance

- Braves_And_Pie: betrayal caused by a few too many jabs at his Twitter handle; subtweets, blog-jeopardizing posts like this one (mostly harmless)

- Victor Van Benschoten: Prospect over-hype; insane trade ideas, erroneous visions of the future (frequently fails of his own accord, but you’ll spend a lot of time and energy worrying about him anyway)

- SABRtooth: Fredi Gonzalez in disguise promoting false sabermetrics to confuse crowd into fighting you; sacrifice bunts and intentional walks (brutal strength and can collapse sturdy-looking structures)

- Ray Kingpin: Over-emphasis on relievers; bad contracts that leave you in a bind (he’s fat and can’t hit the broad-side of a barn, but he just won’t go away)

- Megatron (Calvin Johnson): Distracting Twitter from baseball; hair-raising catches, stiff arms (could probably kill you regardless of what you do; try to avoid)

- John Lackey: Begin hideous; horrible looks (takes advantage of you looking away to stab you in the back)

- Mystique: Changes skin to blend into scenery or into other person; narratives (hard to see, but use of Intertubes-Piercing Logic should do the trick)

Obviously, this is just a start, and any suggestions in the comments would be welcome. The objective is to get someone to actually write a comic book or strip involving our hero triumphing over evil. It's already a shirt!