By The Common Man
This morning, Craig Calcaterra linked to a report out of Wake Forest, where Demon Deacons baseball coach Tom Walter made the incredible and selfless decision to donate one of his kidneys to freshman outfielder Kevin Jordan, “I would do anything to help any one of my players or any of my family members—anything in my power to help them have a better quality of life is something that I want to do.” Not that this was his motivation, but something tells me that Walter is going to have a much easier time recruiting going forward.
Anyway, Craig wondered on Twitter whether any Major League managers would donate a kidney to a player, concluding “I bet Ozzie would. ‘What I care? I got two. I do anything for Jon Danks.’” This set The Common Man off and running to uncover all the players, managers, executives, and owners who would donate their kidneys to needy players. Here’s what TCM discovered:
Rays manager Joe Maddon would donate a kidney. But only after talking it over with Andrew Friedman and coming to a consensus within the organization.
Yankees manager Joe Girardi would totally donate a kidney to his player. Then would be savaged by Mike Lupica for having to sit out a week to recover.
Giants GM Brian Sabean would offer up a kidney to any player at least 35 years old. The young guys haven't proven they deserve one yet.
New Braves skipper Fredi Gonzalez would donate a kidney to his player, but everyone will always say that Bobby Cox's kidney donation was better.
Dodgers boss Don Mattingly would offer to donate a kidney, but would eat a hoagie the night before the operation and they'd have to postpone it.
Manny Ramirez would probably donate a kidney to a teammate, forget he did it, and then try and sell his other one on Craig's List.
Johnny Damon would donate a kidney to a teammate, and the kidney would hold a press conference to say how honored it would be to be part of such a great body and that it's finally where it always dreamed of filtering toxins out of the bloodstream.
Scott Boras would consider donating a kidney after fielding several offers, then tell Sports Illustrated’s Jon Heyman that he’s got a great offer from a mystery patient that he’s considering.
Rangers 3B Michael Young would donate a kidney, but would demand it back so that he can give it to someone else.
Former Yankees and Nats 1B Nick Johnson would donate a kidney, but sadly that's basically all that's holding his body together at this point.
Human grit factory David Eckstein would donate a kidney, but he can't. Because he's ALL HEART!
Former Royals pitcher Gil Meche would turn down a kidney if it were offered, because he doesn't deserve it.
Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has just ordered his team’s players and staff not to donate their kidneys, as those operations and the anti-rejection medications for post-op care are too expensive.
Dodgers (half)owner Frank McCourt would donate a kidney to his player, but, due to a typo, his soon-to-be ex-wife Jamie would take half of it before it got to him.
Phillies GM Ruben Amaro would give you his kidney while you were sleeping and you'd never even know it. Because he’s a total ninja.
Bengie Molina would donate a kidney, but then his brothers would want to do it too, and you'd have a bunch of extra kidneys lying around.
Also, if Bengie did offer you his kidney, it’d take forever to get to you.
Angels owner Arte Moreno will donate his kidney, and take back your bloated unusable one for himself.
And here are some of TCM’s favorites he received from the accumulated Twitterati:
Jason Rosenberg of It’s About the Money, Stupid, pointed out that:
Yankees GM Brian Cashman would donate a kidney to his player, but not if it cost him a first round pick. However, Hank Steinbrenner would force him to have the surgery anyway.
And Derek Jeter would donate a kidney to a teammate, but the teammate would have to put it near his spleen, because Jeter's kidneys have limited range.
And JM Semiz pointed out that Tony LaRussa, while not donating his own kidney, would micromanage the surgery, ensuring “that different surgeons were used for opening, installing the kidney and closing up the patient.”
Your own additions are welcome in the comments section. And in the meantime, congratulations and best wishes to both Kevin Jordan and Tom Walter, and we hope they recover soon.
Update! More kidneys:
Chase Utley has a pristine kidney he'd like to donate, but people keep wanting Ryan Howard's instead.
Shin-Soo Choo also has an excellent kidney to donate, but nobody knows who he is or how to find him.
The Common Man don't even know why anyone would want Jeff Mathis' kidney.
Jermaine Dye's kidney is still available. You know, just in case... (and Gary Z points out that Gary Sheffield's are too.)
Colby Rasmus wanted to donate his kidney too, but Tony LaRussa made John Jay do it for some reason.
Heard this: Dominic Brown's kidney is about to be exchanged for Michael Young's and Phillies fans are going to get what they deserve.
From Kirsten Brown of K-Bro's Baseball Blog: Albert Pujols' kidney is quickly approaching the deadline for donation but the terms are still far off.
And Bill points out that "Barry Bonds claims to have offered his kidney to all 30 teams for free, but nobody remembers getting that call."