Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Update: Drowning in a Sea of Donated Kidneys (Now with more kidneys!)

By The Common Man

This morning, Craig Calcaterra linked to a report out of Wake Forest, where Demon Deacons baseball coach Tom Walter made the incredible and selfless decision to donate one of his kidneys to freshman outfielder Kevin Jordan, “I would do anything to help any one of my players or any of my family members—anything in my power to help them have a better quality of life is something that I want to do.” Not that this was his motivation, but something tells me that Walter is going to have a much easier time recruiting going forward.

Anyway, Craig wondered on Twitter whether any Major League managers would donate a kidney to a player, concluding “I bet Ozzie would. ‘What I care? I got two. I do anything for Jon Danks.’” This set The Common Man off and running to uncover all the players, managers, executives, and owners who would donate their kidneys to needy players. Here’s what TCM discovered:

Rays manager Joe Maddon would donate a kidney. But only after talking it over with Andrew Friedman and coming to a consensus within the organization.

Tigers manager Jim Leyland would offer to donate a kidney, knowing it would immediately refused. The dude looks like death already.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi would totally donate a kidney to his player. Then would be savaged by Mike Lupica for having to sit out a week to recover.

Giants GM Brian Sabean would offer up a kidney to any player at least 35 years old. The young guys haven't proven they deserve one yet.

New Braves skipper Fredi Gonzalez would donate a kidney to his player, but everyone will always say that Bobby Cox's kidney donation was better.

Dodgers boss Don Mattingly would offer to donate a kidney, but would eat a hoagie the night before the operation and they'd have to postpone it.

Manny Ramirez would probably donate a kidney to a teammate, forget he did it, and then try and sell his other one on Craig's List.

Johnny Damon would donate a kidney to a teammate, and the kidney would hold a press conference to say how honored it would be to be part of such a great body and that it's finally where it always dreamed of filtering toxins out of the bloodstream.

Scott Boras would consider donating a kidney after fielding several offers, then tell Sports Illustrated’s Jon Heyman that he’s got a great offer from a mystery patient that he’s considering.

Rangers 3B Michael Young would donate a kidney, but would demand it back so that he can give it to someone else.

Former Yankees and Nats 1B Nick Johnson would donate a kidney, but sadly that's basically all that's holding his body together at this point.

Human grit factory David Eckstein would donate a kidney, but he can't. Because he's ALL HEART!

Former Royals pitcher Gil Meche would turn down a kidney if it were offered, because he doesn't deserve it.

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has just ordered his team’s players and staff not to donate their kidneys, as those operations and the anti-rejection medications for post-op care are too expensive.

Dodgers (half)owner Frank McCourt would donate a kidney to his player, but, due to a typo, his soon-to-be ex-wife Jamie would take half of it before it got to him.

Phillies GM Ruben Amaro would give you his kidney while you were sleeping and you'd never even know it. Because he’s a total ninja.

Bengie Molina would donate a kidney, but then his brothers would want to do it too, and you'd have a bunch of extra kidneys lying around.

Also, if Bengie did offer you his kidney, it’d take forever to get to you.

Angels owner Arte Moreno will donate his kidney, and take back your bloated unusable one for himself.

And here are some of TCM’s favorites he received from the accumulated Twitterati:

Jason Rosenberg of It’s About the Money, Stupid, pointed out that:

Yankees GM Brian Cashman would donate a kidney to his player, but not if it cost him a first round pick. However, Hank Steinbrenner would force him to have the surgery anyway.

And Derek Jeter would donate a kidney to a teammate, but the teammate would have to put it near his spleen, because Jeter's kidneys have limited range.

And JM Semiz pointed out that Tony LaRussa, while not donating his own kidney, would micromanage the surgery, ensuring “that different surgeons were used for opening, installing the kidney and closing up the patient.”

Your own additions are welcome in the comments section. And in the meantime, congratulations and best wishes to both Kevin Jordan and Tom Walter, and we hope they recover soon.

Update!  More kidneys:

Chase Utley has a pristine kidney he'd like to donate, but people keep wanting Ryan Howard's instead.

Shin-Soo Choo also has an excellent kidney to donate, but nobody knows who he is or how to find him.

The Common Man don't even know why anyone would want Jeff Mathis' kidney.

Jermaine Dye's kidney is still available. You know, just in case... (and Gary Z points out that Gary Sheffield's are too.)

Colby Rasmus wanted to donate his kidney too, but Tony LaRussa made John Jay do it for some reason.

Heard this: Dominic Brown's kidney is about to be exchanged for Michael Young's and Phillies fans are going to get what they deserve.

From Kirsten Brown of K-Bro's Baseball Blog: Albert Pujols' kidney is quickly approaching the deadline for donation but the terms are still far off.

And Bill points out that "Barry Bonds claims to have offered his kidney to all 30 teams for free, but nobody remembers getting that call."


Simon said...

"something tells me that Walter is going to have a much easier time recruiting going forward"

I'm not so sure about this; after all, he only has one kidney left now.

margo said...

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire once donated a kidney to umpire Joe West during the second inning of a baseball game. Unfortunately the kidney was ejected in the top of the third.

Larry said...

LeBron James would offer his kidney to a team that already has two healthy kidneys but is missing an appendix.

Larry said...

This just in! Fred Wilpon wants to retain control of both of his kidneys. But for a few hundred million dollars, he'll name you as a minority owner of one of his kidneys, giving you the right to attend meetings where his kidneys are discussed.

Barry Gillis said...

Everyone was positive that Armando Galarraga's kidney was perfect for the transplant surgery, however Dr. Jim Joyce disagreed.

Michael Clair said...

Jack Morris wanted to donate a kidney, but his only work during big games.

Mike said...

Alex Rodriguez has a picture above his bed of himself donating a kidney. He is pictured as a centaur.

Kevin Youkilis was going to donate a kidney, but jumped off the operating table cursing and claiming that the initial incision was a half-millimeter outside.

Manny was going to donate a kidney, but then he didn't... because he got high... because he got high... because he got highhhhhhhhhhhhh. (at-bat music reference)

Curt Schilling was going to donate a kidney, but OMG CONSPIRACY, he just drew some stitches on his stomach.

Johnny Damon was going to give a kidney to his wife, but ended up getting divorced, giving it to a stripper, and then writing a book about it.

Tim Wakefield donated a kidney. The doctor waited for it to stop rolling, then he picked it up.

Tim Lincecum was going to donate a kidney, but he got carded.

Dusty Baker had the same surgeon remove kidneys for everyone on his team, his staff, the front office, and all of section 37, on the same day.

Jesse Barfield cut out his own kidney, waited a couple hours to make it close, and then threw the kidney directly into the recipient's body. Three states away.

George Steinbrenner reports that Dave Winfield, that no good sonofab1tch, hasn't ever donated a kidney.

Don Mattingly donated a kidney, and it worked amazing for four years, then just OK for six more before completely seizing up, and a bunch of people call it a Hall of Fame kidney donation.

Ben Roethlisberger generously donated his kidneys to a couple girls that didn't even want new kidneys!

The Common Man said...

Oh Mike, you were doing so great until that last one. Sexual assault humor doesn't go over well here, I'm afraid. But an A on all the rest of them.

Derek said...

Chipper Jones will donate his kidney, right after it comes off the 15 day DL.
Tony LaRussa will donate his kidney, right after the alcohol drains out of it.
Alex Rodriquez will donate his kidney, after it slaps the recipient.
James Harrison will donate his kidney, laying it softly on a pillow for the recipient.
Joba Chamberlain will donate his kidney..no he won't..yes he will..no he won't..yes he...oh the kidney's no good anymore!