Factual Statements About Dallas McPherson

by Jason Wojciechowski

Badonk!
Photo by Brule Laker

Dallas McPherson signed a minor-league contract with the White Sox today. In his honor, then, and because failed prospects fascinate me, here are 20 facts¹ about Dallas McPherson.

1. In 2005-2006, McPherson hit .250/.296/.459 for the Angels in 341 plate appearances as a 24-25-year-old.

2. This was more or less, accounting for park, a league-average performance overall, despite being quite light on avoiding making outs.

3. McPherson is listed at 6'4" and 230, or 1.05 x A.J. Pierzynski.

4. McPherson attempted six steals in 2005 despite getting on base like ten times and further despite being 1.05 x A.J. Pierzynski in size.

5. McPherson attended The Citadel.

6. Because McPherson attended The Citadel, his teammates and coaches are required to address him at all times as "Lieutenant McPherson" or "sir" or "Ell Tee."

7. McPherson's injury history on Baseball Prospectus reads like Lindsay Lohan's rap-sheet.

8. The reason for this is because McPherson is a criminal.

9. The real reason is because he has a back problem.

10. In 2009, during training camp, McPherson strained his trunk.

11. Nobody uses trunks anymore. It's all wheely suitcases and backpacks.

12. Lame.

13. Dallas McPherson was rated by Baseball America as the #12 prospect in all of baseball before 2005 after he spent 2003-2004 completely destroying the baseball, putting up full-year slugging percentages of .596 and .670.

14. In retrospect, those 169 strikeouts in 586 plate appearances at AA and AAA are pretty alarming.

15. Also in retrospect, Salt Lake was an insane place to hit. Adam Riggs slugged .633 in a full season there in 2004.

16. I've never heard of Adam Riggs.

17. Neither have you.

18. Dallas McPherson pitched at The Citadel and is in their Hall of Fame despite having shot many many fewer people than Old Hoss Radbourn.

19. McPherson has only shot three people. If you'd been to Rancho Cucamonga in 2003, you'd know why.

20. Dallas McPherson, if he plays what he calls a full season (80-110 games), will crack 800 minor-league games, 3000 minor-league at-bats, 200 minor-league doubles, 200 minor-league homers, 900 minor-league hits, 700 minor-league RBI.

Bonus fact: I will be rooting for McPherson to hit all these milestones (ok, "milestones") and more this year.

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1. Neither I nor any other T.P.A. writer stands by these facts as true and factual. Rely on them at your risk.²  ↩

2. Some of these facts are actually true. Many of them, in fact. I just like embellishing.  ↩