Thursday, July 17, 2008

This Film Has Been Rated XX

Late last night, as The Common Man stubbornly refused to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, he saw Trainspotting for the first time. As it turns out, Trainspotting is not the movie that the father of a young child should be watching just before bed. If you haven't seen it, the plot hinges on the crib-death of Baby Dawn, the daughter of a heroin addict, which is grotesque and haunting. Needless to say, The Common Man did not sleep well.

That said, it got The Common Man to thinking that it was time to make a list. So, here are the 5 movies that no man should ever have to see.

Exit to Eden - Look, there are many things in life that The Common Man hopes to never see. One of those things used to be Rosie O'Donnell in a leather dominatrix outfit. It's not that The Common Man dislikes Rosie. There was a time, believe it or not, that Rosie was pretty funny. Then she got her own show, then she went nuts, then she started ranting about 9/11 conspiracies. Sadly, in 1994, crazy 2008 Rosie traveled back in time, knocked her old self out and locked her in the closet, and decided to make a sex/buddy-cop comedy with Dan Ackroyd. Chasing diamond smugglers, Rosie and Ackroyd go undercover at a sexual retreat center run by Hector Elizando and Dana Delaney. But frankly, who cares about the plot. Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Ackroyd in leather bondage gear. No man should have to endure that.

Thelma and Louise - This is certainly a good movie. The Common Man does not dispute that. And it features Susan Sarandon at the top of her sultry Southern older woman hotness. And Geena Davis wasn't bad either in those pre-Cutthroat Island days. But it's hard to argue that any man comes across well in the buddy/road movie for female empowerment. After one man tries to rape Thelma, Louise shoots him and the women go out on the lamb. Louise's boyfriend steals her money and Thelma's husband is a controlling ass. Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt, but he's also a felon who has broken parole. Harvey Keitel may be sympathetic to their plight, but he is also part of the posse that chases them over the edge of the Grand Canyon. Not much to hang your hat on in this film, boys.

The Color Purple - Speaking of movies where men don't come off well. Stephen Spielberg's The Color Purple features a wife-beating, alcoholic, unfaithful, and uninterested male lead, Mr. ____________. The second male lead, Harpo, is a buffoon whose primary responsibilities involve getting beat up by his wife and falling through roofs for comedic effect. Celie's step-father, who she believes to be her real dad, rapes and impregnates her as a youth. And, well, that's pretty much it except for Mr.__________'s father, a cantankerous old coot who has shaped his son into the woman-beating, lazy slob he ultimately became. The book, a masterpiece by Alice Walker was underserved by the film, as it allowed the male characters to redeem themselves by the end of the novel without sacrificing the overall theme of female sexual awakening and empowerment. Do yourself a favor and skip the movie, read the book, and find the awesome Thanksgiving Dinner scene, the only truly wonderful scene in the movie, somewhere on You Tube.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - The Common Man has not seen The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It's entirely possible that it's a good movie. But the words "sisterhood", "traveling", and "pants" have somehow found the magical word combination that neutralizes the curious sections of The Common Man's brain. He simply has no desire to learn anything more than the title. He doesn't even want to know how pants travel. Or how the traveling pants somehow spawn sisterhood. At least The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood had Ashley Judd and Sandra Bullock. And James Garner, a real man's man. Not that, uh, The Common Man has, uh, seen it.

At this point, The Common Man is stuck and will solicit nominations from the peanut gallery. What movies should men never be forced to endure? What other movies should be rated XX, for gals only?


BillP said...

It's not fair to women to put "Exit to Eden" in this category. No human being should ever, ever have to see that movie. Also, I was sure it was "Akroyd," but we were both wrong, it's "Aykroyd." Crazy Canadians.

I have seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (only because of the Gilmore Girls connection, a thorougly XX-rated show, but I don't care, the dialogue is great and I'm watching the entire series all over again, just try to stop me), and that one definitely belongs, although perhaps it should be rated XX-13 (no one except girls under the age of 13).

Some others:
-The Notebook
-The English Patient (another one I don't think anyone should ever see, but it won some kind of award or something, so someone must like it)
-Anything with Orlando Bloom that they made less than three of
-Gone with the Wind (controversial, I'm sure, but I think any man who claims he can sit through four hours of that crap is just trying to come off as one of those guys who Appreciates the Classics)

Kevin (ReturnToManliess) said...

I put T&L on my top list of chick flicks that has a dash of manliness. I agree with all the others, but T&L, as you said, is a pretty good movie and has elements worthwhile. If anything, the lifted the ending straight from one of the classics, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid...