The TPA Personality Test

By Mark Smith

My roommate and I were sitting around a week ago or so, and he asked, “If you were in the majors, what type of player would you be?” He didn’t mean it in a Road to the Show way in which you can choose your position, change your attributes, and cover your weaknesses. He meant it as a mental exercise in which you considered your physical and mental abilities and applied it to baseball. It was a fun exercise, but I didn’t really have anything to go off of because I didn’t have a list of what each position would need. Because I know you’ve definitely had this problem, I’ve put together the list for you. You can thank me later. On to the list … 

Catcher: You’re a quirky individual. For the most part, you’re a great leader and very intelligent, but your insistence on calling the shots leads some to believe you’re a little stubborn. You’re also somewhat of a masochist and have a penchant for wearing costumes. This leads some to wonder about you, but they are willing to ignore it because of your importance to the team and the funny sayings you have that don’t make sense but kind of do once you think about it for a little bit. Physically, you’re about 6 feet tall and a little pudgy, and you have or will have chronic knee problems.

First Base: You’re a social butterfly and always willing to talk around the watercooler. While there’s really only one thing you’re good at, you’re really good at it, and you are handsomely paid to do it because that skill is really important to the company. Despite your large stature, you’re quite nimble and constantly surprise people with your dance skills.

Second Base: You’re short and scrappy, and you have a slight chip on your shoulder from all the naysayers. Because you’ve always been told that you can’t do something, you’re a little wreckless, and you chose an occupation that puts you in a little danger every so often. You are also an excellent dancer with a patented spin move.

Third Base: You’re constantly underrated. People expect you to be something, but you don’t quite fit in. This leads to a misunderstanding of what makes you special and valuable. Despite all this, you’re willing to put yourself into tense situations, but your quick reactions often benefit your company, though again they don’t appreciate you enough. Fittingly, you come in all shapes and sizes.

Shortstop: You’re a great leader, and you have a wide range of abilities and talents. You’re well-rounded, and people have a tendency to covet your skills. Despite all this, your inability to do what the company really needs, or at least believes it needs, keeps you from the highest management positions. It’s okay, though, because you’re classically handsome/beautiful, and that frequently helps get you what you want.

Left Field: You’re kind of a loner and have poor communication skills, and people often think you’re not paying attention. Unfortunately, your job is being taken over by people who have a slightly different skill set. That being said, you still tend to be a key contributor in important projects, and you’re still well-paid for your efforts. You tend to be rather unathletic.

Center Field: You’re classically good-looking, and you were probably a popular kid while growing up. People tend to idolize you, usually for good reason. You’re valuable to your team, a leader, athletic, and fun to have at parties. Your only problem is a lack of ambition that would get you to the very highest management positions, but you’re okay with that because of everything else you have going for you.

Right Field: You’re a bit of a loner, but you pack a heavy punch with your actions and your words. You’re well-respected, and people do not usually try to take from you. You’re not real athletic, but you’re muscular and have a somewhat-intimidating appearance.

Starting Pitcher: You were the prom king, captain quarterback on the football team, and dated the best looking girls. You’re good-looking and athletic, and this covers up for your lack of intelligence and the fact that you’ve gotten to where you are simply by executing other people’s orders, though you did do it pretty well. You have a tendency to flame-out when people discover your secret. Sometimes, however, the Starting Pitcher is actually a really good guy, intelligent, and really is the bee’s knees. It’s a rarity, but it happens.

Middle Reliever: There’s nothing really special about you, but you have that one special talent that makes you a specialist. Because you are a specialist, people tend to overrate your value to the team, but every company needs a few of you, which keeps you gainfully employed. You probably walked in the Starting Pitcher’s shadow, and while you had many of his characteristics, your fall from grace was more rapid when people realized you were only associated with him and weren’t as good at what you do.

Set-Up Man: You’re a lot like the Middle Reliever, but you’re just better at your job. You tend to be vastly overpaid, but at the same time, you tend to not get the same amount of credit as your supervisor, even though you essentially do as much work. But it’s his/her name on the cover sheet, and people don’t think you can handle more responsibility, even though you’ve essentially been doing the boss’ job for years but have never been given a chance to prove you could do it with a title and pay bump.

Closer: You’re emotional, and while that helps with what you do, it’s also makes your work a little volatile. You’re mid-level management, but your title has given you an inflated ego. You refuse to do any background work, preferring instead to be the one to put the finishing touches on the project, and you’re paranoid that the Set-Up Man is out to steal your job. But people like you, nonetheless.

 .....................................................

Thinking about myself, I’ll call myself a catcher, though it might overstate my leadership skills, but I’m definitely weird, hilarious, and a genius. If I had to guess (which I do), TCM is a second baseman because talking in the third person kind of screams Napoleon Complex, am I right? He’s probably a good dancer, too. Bill’s probably a third baseman, underappreciated because TCM’s name takes all the spotlight. Actually, now that I think of it, maybe they’re the Set-Up Man/Closer dynamic because of TCM’s title/inflated ego and Bill being just as good regardless. Ah hell, I don’t know. Why did we do this again? These damn things are confusing.