Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Twins Facial Hair Face Off: Elite Eight!

By The Common Man

(Note: If you're hear to vote, Round 3 voting is now closed.  Click here to see the results and to vote on the Final Four.)

Wow, some huge surprises in the 2nd round, as both Brian Harper and Shane Mack go down. It’s becoming clear that you people don’t appreciate a properly grown mustache. Well, it’s not your fault. You just weren’t raised right. Before we get to the final tallies from round 2, if you want to relive the first two rounds, you can click here and here for all the hairy goodness.  Now, here are the final results from the latest voting:

Griffith Region:
#1 Ken Landreaux vs. #4 Alvaro Espinoza
Landreaux 84.3%
Espinoza 15.7%
Landreaux dominates like he’s in the middle of a 31 game hitting streak.

#3 Gary Ward vs. #2 Dan Ford
Ward 58.8%
Ford 41.2%
It must have been the soul patch.

Pohlad Region
#1 Gary Gaetti vs. #4 Tom Brunansky
Gaetti 52.9%
Brunansky 47.1%
In the closest race by far, The Rat sneaks by Bruno by just 3 votes.

#3 Juan Berenguer vs. #2 Jeff Reardon
Berenguer 15.7%
Jeff Reardon 84.3%
Yet again, Berenguer yields the mound to Reardon.

Worst-to-First Region
#1 Brian Harper vs. #5 Rick Aguilera
Harper 43.1%
Aguilera 56.9%
Brian Harper’s mustache is apparently just as underrated as his role on the early-90s Twins. You guys know closers are overrated, right?

#3 Jack Morris vs. #2 Shane Mack
Morris 72.5%
Mack 27.5%
Speaking of over/underrated…apparently Jon Heyman told his BBWAA buddies all about this contest, because he had it all over the suave Shane Mack. Seriously, do you know how hard it is to maintain a mustache? Morris just let his run wild. That’s like taking credit for having the tallest grass in the neighborhood. Mow the lawn every now and then, you’re driving down property values!

21st Century Region
#1 Johan Santana vs. #4 Nick Blackburn
Santana 78.4%
Blackburn 21.6%
As it should be.

#3 Eddie Guardado vs. #2 Carl Pavano
Guardado 11.8%
Pavano 88.2%
This thrashing was entirely appropriate.

Now, on to the matchups for Round 3. Please review these truly elite eight examples of Twins Facial-Hair and vote below for your favorites:

Griffith Region
#1 Ken Landreaux vs. #3 Gary Ward

Ken Landreaux wants to get high with you and listen to the Doors, man.  Gary Ward, chillin'.

Pohlad Region
#1 Gary Gaetti vs. #2 Jeff Reardon

It's the classic mustache vs. beard match-up you've all been clamoring for!  This may ultimately decide for all time which facial hair style is better.

Worst-to-First Region
#5 Rick Aguilera vs. #3 Jack Morris

Another beard versus mustach battle.  These pictures make it look like Aggy's hanging out, waiting for Morris to get tired in Game 7.

21st Century Region
#1 Johan Santana vs. #2 Carl Pavano

Lefty-righty!  Goatee-mustache!  Strikeouts-grounders!  This battle has it all!

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Thanks for voting everyone. And check back tomorrow as we narrow the field down to the Final Four of the Facial-Hair Face-Off!

1 comment:

lar said...

Well, Johan is killing, right? So it's not like we don't appreciate the well-tailored staches.

For me, at least, the problem with the Mack-stache was that the image was too small to get a good appreciation. If we had a picture like Johan's (and it's as well-made as you seem to remember), I bet the story would be different...