Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stupid Man Tricks

Unlike most of you, he assumes, The Common Man has never understood the male infatuation with guns. He remembers the first time he shot a handgun, his Uncle Bob (shouldn't every man have an Uncle Bob?) took The Common Man and The Common Man's brother, The Dentist, out into the Arizona desert for a night of camping and shooting at targets. First, he brought out the 9 mm automatic, a rather light gun with little recoil. Very easy to use. He followed that up by showing off his .357 Magnum, a massive revolver that you always should use in conjunction with earplugs. Uncle Bob, however, had forgotten all about the earplugs in his pocket, and neglected to warn The Common Man ahead of time that, the concussive boom of the .357 would render the world mute for a full two minutes while The Common Man's ears rang like the bells of St. Mary's on Sunday.

It would have been nice to have that warning, as the disorientation and ringing prompted The Common Man to put down the firearm on a nearby rock and back away to a safe distance. So ended The Common Man's real interest in shooting things. Grocery stores seem far more practical for The Common Man's carnivorous needs and there is less chance of permanent hearing damage. Plus, how manly is it really to shoot something? Isn't it far more manly simply to pummel your opponent (be they human, animal, vegitable, or mineral) into submission with your powerful fists of fury? It's what Chuck Norris would do, isn't it?

And anyway, it's not like the advocates of gun safety are likely to be able to teach The Common Man much to change his mind:

The Common Man agrees whole-heartedly with the girl who kindly asks officer doofus to put away the assault rifle, since he had just proven he can't be trusted to remember the one in the chamber. The Common Man does support your right to own and operate a firearm, just please don't do it anywhere near him or his son. At least not without earplugs.

Anyway, this brings us to our poll question of the week. Is it manly to use guns (aside from the two you have attached to your shoulders, of course, fellas)? Let the voting begin.

* Yes, The Common Man knows he's blatantly ripping off the "Is it manly..." poll question idea directly from Artofmanliness.com. But plagiarism is the ultimate form of flattery.

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